I feel for you Michael. It’s good to hear that you have some support. Have you considered keeping a writing journal? I had periods of time in my life where it helped me out tremendously. Just trying to brainstorm. It’s sounds that you have a good understanding of the emotions you are feeling and why they are happening. A lot of people find that hard and don’t do it. It seems that intellectually you know what has to happen but on some level your emotions won’t let you. I’m like that in a sense that I know things but my emotions respond the other way. Give yourself credit. You’re doing a great job.
My therapist is suggesting that I get some hypnotherapy, so I called one yesterday. I expect to have a short initial consultation with her today.
I'm just so confused, and scared. As I mentioned, when this last happened in 2008 I spent two years in bed, went to a psychiatric hospital for a month, had to quit a very good job.
And now it's happening again, the same sliding into depression, the same ruminating and wondering what's happened, the same sense that my sexuality is completely destroyed, weeks of little sleep and food.
I go into PTSD shock when I see someone who looks like her, or see her picture in the contacts of my phone, or see a woman about her height, or someone wearing a jacket like hers, or a woman who is simply wearing the same sneakers she wears. Any little detail, and there can be many, many of them if you think about it. Blonde hair, sneakers, jacket, eye color....all are tigers now and it scuks. My knees start to buckle, heart pound and ears ring as the blood pressure suddenly spikes.
Somehow, the csa trauma gets 'transferred' onto her and her image and thoughts of her. And like I said, if we had not ever been sexual, none of this would be happening. Sure, I might be sad or confused or something, but definitely not these intrusive thoughts, these PTSD reactions, the continuing extreme high stress, sleeplessness, inability to eat.
I want to talk to her to somehow clear this up, somehow make sense of it, but that scares me too because I don't think she would be kind and I run the risk of getting berated and called 'shitty' and 'horrible' again, or perhaps worse she might treat me with indifference. I"m stuck in this middle zone where I hope that she'll email or text with an apology and acknowledgement of how hurtful it must have been to be ditched over Christmas, snapped at with sarcasm and disdain in front of her family, called horrible names and set up to miss the eye surgery. Something that acknowledges what she's done, acknowledges that I"m a good person and worthy of love. I don't think that's coming,