Just got back from filing a report *Triggers*
Like the subject says, I filed a report at the local police station yesterday documenting the abuse that I was subjected to as a five year old boy. The person who committed these acts was a male teenage neighbor who was babysitting my brother and me. I learned from the sex crimes detective that he was 16 at the time. Anyway, I filled out the statement yesterday in as much detail as I could at the time. It was kind of a snap decision to actually go file but the idea was in my head for quite a while. I got in my car and went before I could convince myself to not actually go through with it. Today the detective called me to discuss my statement. We talked about if I would like to prosecute or have my statement documented and choose not to prosecute. He explained that since approximately 27 years had passed and there was no remaining physical evidence, essentially it would come down to my word versus his in court. Even though I know my word is true, I chose to have my statement documented and not pursue prosecution. Even when signing the agreement that read just that, I still experienced a moment of hesitation. Initially, my goal was to have his name and actions on record so that he would be on the radar of people who monitor these sorts of things and be better able to protect any innocent children from him. While discussing my case with the detective, I learned that he is now 41 and has a fairly substantial arrest record including indecent exposure, and lewd and lascivious, and domestic abuse. The detective also showed me his drivers license picture for identification purposes. I had to look harder and longer than I would have thought but it was him. The giveaway was around his cheeks. It was such a surreal feeling, one that I have experienced many times but now better understand. After reading other survivor's stories, I feel I can best describe it as disassociation - like everything around me stops and I get this ringing in my ears and I become almost dizzy for a couple seconds. I don't know if that quite captures it but it's close. The officer and I ended our meeting by him telling me that he would certainly be watching, which was my goal from the outset. So from that perspective it was a success. As we parted in the lobby, I told him to keep up the good work and gave him a thumbs up. He said thanks and was sincere when he said it. Our interaction during that those brief seconds made it all worth it for me. To know there are people out there looking out for the safety and well-being of kids and that by talking about it helps remove the shame and stigma that this thing imprints. I've always had a bit of a anti-authority streak so to actually enlist a police officer's help is a really huge step for me. To see us working towards the same goal rather than at odds and in conflict can maybe help me learn to trust a little more. I hope that is one outcome to all of this.
I had tears in my eyes by the time I made it out to the parking lot. In my walk back to the car I just kept thinking this has to stop. We have to stop it. I don't fully know what I'm feeling now that it's over. I felt something almost like pity for the person who abused me as a child. Pity that he never got the help he needed. Pity for the part of him who is a victim as well. These are all new feelings and emotions so I may not be explaining it well but there is a sadness for him, along with anger and rage for what he did to me. Wondering what my life cold have been if I never had to endure all of this, if I hadn't been robbed of a chance to experience a childhood free from abuse. That's another realization I came to on the drive home - every child deserves to experience a childhood free from abuse. It doesn't sound like a major conclusion but to be a part of a world where children are able to grow without the fear that comes from this thing, to live free from this constant shame. That's a world that I want to be apart of. It seems almost impossible but I can see the tiniest glimmer of what can be, how things can be if we stop this thing.
I hope this does not come across as too rambling. Clearly it's my first post. Hopefully I didn't violate any of the forum rules. I f I did, I apologize, it wasn't my intention.
Normally I would discuss these sorts of things with my mom. She was the first person I told my story to around 5 years ago, and I usually discuss my major steps with her when I take them. But, and this is a huge but, one that I am barely even beginning to process, there was a time when I was around 14 -16 sleeping in my bed when I awoke to her kissing my back in a really weird way. I kind of was just frozen for a minute, like I knew something was happening but my brain just couldn't process what it was, maybe I was too afraid to move or I was just completely confused as to what was happening. I still can't remember a time when our physical contact went beyond a hug which was why this was so utterly bizarre to me. When I rolled over and looked at her like what the fuck are you doing? she recovered and passed it off by saying "it's been a long time since I kissed you huh?" Like of all the things to say. This was not the kiss of a mother to a son. This was something completely different. I haven't told anyone about this. I have no idea how far it was going to go. I hesitate to even think about it. I have no idea how to categorize the experience. I know it felt wrong and it still does but I don't know what to call it. I'm currently seeing a therapist and I plan on telling her that story and hopefully gaining her insight. So that is why I can't talk with my mom about my latest steps because everything I believed our relationship to be is disoriented. She never treated me well as a child, I would go as far to say that she subjected me to physical abuse as well as emotional and verbal abuse. She always tried to make me be quiet in really hurtful ways. Her most common saying in times like these was to say I had diarrhea of the mouth. I just cannot for the life of me understand how you can say that to a little kid who is just trying to figure out things around him, a kid who already had his world shattered by abuse and was desperately trying to piece at back together without the proper tools. Still, to treat any kid the way she treated me growing up was extremely hurtful to say the least. And then you add into it that kissing thing and I don't know where I come out.
Again I apologize if this is incoherent and rambling or if it's too long. I just felt like I needed to get it out there and this seemed like the best place to do it.
For anyone who reads to this point, I really appreciated it and I thank you.
I had tears in my eyes by the time I made it out to the parking lot. In my walk back to the car I just kept thinking this has to stop. We have to stop it. I don't fully know what I'm feeling now that it's over. I felt something almost like pity for the person who abused me as a child. Pity that he never got the help he needed. Pity for the part of him who is a victim as well. These are all new feelings and emotions so I may not be explaining it well but there is a sadness for him, along with anger and rage for what he did to me. Wondering what my life cold have been if I never had to endure all of this, if I hadn't been robbed of a chance to experience a childhood free from abuse. That's another realization I came to on the drive home - every child deserves to experience a childhood free from abuse. It doesn't sound like a major conclusion but to be a part of a world where children are able to grow without the fear that comes from this thing, to live free from this constant shame. That's a world that I want to be apart of. It seems almost impossible but I can see the tiniest glimmer of what can be, how things can be if we stop this thing.
I hope this does not come across as too rambling. Clearly it's my first post. Hopefully I didn't violate any of the forum rules. I f I did, I apologize, it wasn't my intention.
Normally I would discuss these sorts of things with my mom. She was the first person I told my story to around 5 years ago, and I usually discuss my major steps with her when I take them. But, and this is a huge but, one that I am barely even beginning to process, there was a time when I was around 14 -16 sleeping in my bed when I awoke to her kissing my back in a really weird way. I kind of was just frozen for a minute, like I knew something was happening but my brain just couldn't process what it was, maybe I was too afraid to move or I was just completely confused as to what was happening. I still can't remember a time when our physical contact went beyond a hug which was why this was so utterly bizarre to me. When I rolled over and looked at her like what the fuck are you doing? she recovered and passed it off by saying "it's been a long time since I kissed you huh?" Like of all the things to say. This was not the kiss of a mother to a son. This was something completely different. I haven't told anyone about this. I have no idea how far it was going to go. I hesitate to even think about it. I have no idea how to categorize the experience. I know it felt wrong and it still does but I don't know what to call it. I'm currently seeing a therapist and I plan on telling her that story and hopefully gaining her insight. So that is why I can't talk with my mom about my latest steps because everything I believed our relationship to be is disoriented. She never treated me well as a child, I would go as far to say that she subjected me to physical abuse as well as emotional and verbal abuse. She always tried to make me be quiet in really hurtful ways. Her most common saying in times like these was to say I had diarrhea of the mouth. I just cannot for the life of me understand how you can say that to a little kid who is just trying to figure out things around him, a kid who already had his world shattered by abuse and was desperately trying to piece at back together without the proper tools. Still, to treat any kid the way she treated me growing up was extremely hurtful to say the least. And then you add into it that kissing thing and I don't know where I come out.
Again I apologize if this is incoherent and rambling or if it's too long. I just felt like I needed to get it out there and this seemed like the best place to do it.
For anyone who reads to this point, I really appreciated it and I thank you.
