Just finally realizing what happened..

Just finally realizing what happened..
B

biz

Registrant
Before I post I would like to thank you all for whatever positive and kind words you may give me.

I grew up without a father and a step father who was nowhere near being a father. When I was in middle school, I met a man who turned out to almost be a father to me, I gave him my trust and even called him dad. But every once in a while we'd go out to dinner and he'd say ready to have your stomach rubbed. I didn't really think much of it but sometimes his hands would slip below my pants and touch me in my area just for a brief second, or he'd say, "lets see how everything is going down there". I was young and didn't think anything of it. Now I think I was just abused by someone I gave my trust to. It does hurt me, I don't know what to do, I don't know how to move on or to even forget about it. I am 19 years old and don't want to live with this thought for the rest of my life. Even though this only happened a handful of times I do feel violated and don't know what exactly to call it..

Thank you.
 
biz,
one of the most difficult things i had to try to come to terms with was what was the definition of csa. there are many things that happened to me that seemed so innocent at the time, but they made me uncomfortable at the time at i did not feel safe enough to stop it. whenever that happens, then it is abuse. i still struggle with what was done to me, many things i cannot easily face...but the bottom line is that anytime an adult presents a child with a sexual situation, no matter how "innocent", and the adult does it on purpose and the child feels unsafe/uncomfortable, then abuse occured. abuse is anything that is done to you against your will or your consent. a child can have no conception of what such overtures mean, only that they are in a really bad spot and don't know how to respond. we are here. feel free to pm me if i can help.
 
Hey Biz - Glad you posted...you've kept that garbage inside for too long!!! Yes, I believe that guy abused you! No one has any right, privilege, permission nor earned rights to touch you in private places! Not father, stepfather, "friend" ...not no one! Not no how!! Most of us needed a man to give us attention. Someone who we can trust...I am so angry that he stole that trust, betrayed you and took advantage of a boy who justed wanted to feel cared about.

This is a fine place to post questions, give and share advice, read significant articles about sexual abuse...this is a fine place to get it all out. You'll find support here! The guys are really sincere and great!!

By the way (BTW), AO, about 1/3rd of childhood sexual abuse is hands on. Much of it is psychological, emotional and other than physical.

Keep posting guy!! We're here!!

Howard
 
Yes, that was abuse. And yes, it doesn't have to affect you negatively for the rest of your life.

I think the worst of what I experienced was the betrayal of trust. That's been the biggest hump for me to get over--to start trusting other people, especially guys, but since I got started it gets better and better.

I struggled with seeing what I experienced as abuse for a long time. But since I have I have been making real and steady progress.

I see a therapist and draw on the support here a lot. My life is improving pretty much every day and I am starting to imagine being in the world in such a way that what I experienced is in no way such an influential factor.

I am older but then I got started much later than you. Its good you are here. I think you'll find that the guys here can really help with guidance and support.
 
Hi Biz,

Words to describe your experience would be: betrayal of trust, violation of your physical boundaries, abuse of his power as a "caring" adult.

You were not at fault in the least and could hardly have imagined that he would get to the point where he was touching you in a really bad way.

If it helps, keep posting here about how you are feeling about this and how you see it has affected your life.
One time was too many. In grade schools and middle schools the term often used is that no one has the right to touch you on that part of your body that is covered by your swimming suit. But, that is rather limiting. If you don't want someone to touch you on your shoulder etc. you have a right to tell him to not do it and he had better not do it again.

I am sorry that this adult took advantage of your need for a caring male to harm you. But, you have done the most important part of healing---you have broken the silence about it.

Bob
 
Biz
Yes, it was abuse.

And there is no league table of 'badness' - it doesn't matter if someone suffers years of violent sexual abuse or is exposed to pornography by an adult - it's abuse.

The element of sex is for so many of us far less important than the abuse of power that the adult commits.
They abused our trust in them, and that's the bit that hurts and does the damage.

In the group therapy I go to the most affected guy there was touched once as a 7yo boy by an adult he adored. He's 35ish now and doing well, but he's been to hell and back before getting to where he is today.

Very few Survivors bear physical scars from what they did to us, but the mental scars are deep.

Stick around and use the help, support and friendship here. It's a good place to start healing.

Dave
 
Thank you all, I really really do appreciate this.

Now that I think about it, it kind of makes sense. I've spent a good part of last year questioning my sexuality, and even though I have always been attracted to women and have always loved women, I always had this fear of being homosexual. The day that I realized what had really happened, it ran through my head. Now that i've been touched, maybe i'm gay.
This is something hard to deal with, and I would like to get as much help as possible. I haven't told my family members just another close friend. Not a day goes by that this horrible reminder runs through my head of a man touching me. My mom always asked me if he had ever touched me and I would say no because I didn't think anything of it, now I see it all. I know I can't be 100% normal, but I would appreciate being damn near close to that.
The man who did this to me, he makes me sick now that I think about him. He was mentioned today in a conversation and I just wanted to run away and not hear his name. I hate this man..
 
Biz,

Its hard to say what is normal when this has happened to so many (millions) of men. I understand that you don't feel normal. I don't either.

As I get better and better at understanding and accepting that what happened was not my fault and that the pain and doubts that have resulted from it are not my fault, I feel more and more normal. As awful as it feels sometimes, its getting better.

One of the things abuse often does is shake our confidence in who we are sexually. Abuse, however, doesn't alter sexual orientation. You can trust your attraction to women. Being touched by a male perp doesn't turn straight guys gay just as being touched by a female perp doesn't turn gay guys straight.

Its true that you can't erase what happened to you but with help you can, in fact, feel good about yourself again. Once I saw how I was not at all alone in having been abused my personal "normalcy" rating shot up.

I had another flashback as I sat in my therapist's waiting room last night. It was really awful, probably worse in a way than anything I have remembered so far. It made a huge difference that I was able to talk about it right away with an understanding and emphathic person.

When the flashbacks started I thought I was doomed, would never be able to function as a normal person. As my work with my therapist has continued and as I have shared with and been helped by guys here, I have become more and more confident about handling this stuff.

Brett
 
Last night, after I made my post, I felt so down and the only one I was able to talk to was my girlfriend, so I broke the silence and eased it in. She said she would have never guessed, quite funny actually. I felt better talking to her about it, and I feel better knowing that I am not alone, thank you all once again. And once I can be able to deal with my issues, I will be more than glad to work from my knowledge of dealing with this to help others.
 
Biz,

I'm glad you were able to find the help and support you need here.

The sad truth is that what this man abused most was his position of authority over you, and your need of him. It hurts when someone you think cares about you does that.

It's also funny how so many of us who were abused were led into it because we needed "father figures." My father was an emotionally abusive prick when I was growing up, and that set me up for a middle school guidance counselor who abused me terribly. What hurts me the most now was that I was so f**king starved for affection that I was willing to put up with the abuse for what I believed was love. When it turned really bad, I felt I had no choice but to go on with it.

That someone did this to you, well, it makes me angry. You didn't deserve that, nor the baggage that came with it. You deserved better, and I think you will get the respectful treatment that you need from your support system and the guys right here.

Like the other brothers, I'm glad you're here. And I always tell the guys here, I love you bro. No strings attached.

Peace,

Scot
 
Biz - just to add to what eveyone else here has said: Yes you were abused - the bloke wasn't exactly looking for moths was he?

Put the blame squarely with him, that's where it belongs.

Cheers RIk
 
Welcome here, I hope you find help and answers here. I can relate some to what you say, although I did not have step father, my father was not so much of one, and when I had other 'father person' in my life, he was one who abused me.

maybe trigger:


my mom, she would do similar to what you say in your post. She would always touch me down there, and would say she make sure I 'grow right'. Sometime she would do more then just touch. Even though what she done was not painful or terrible to me, like some of other things, I think it hurt me very much more then I would think. Because she was my mom, so it is more betrayal. I think that will be true, that it hurts much more that someone you trusted is one who harmed you.

Again, I hope you find the support and understanding that this site has to offer to you. Please know I wish you good luck.

leosha
 
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