Just cried again

Just cried again
S

Sylvester_Stone

Registrant
I was reading another thread where someone said something about how they used to think of suicide.

It was at that moment that I first admitted to myself that I had done so as well. A couple times I really really wanted to - and might have if there had been a gun around - but the whole time I was also convincing myself that I wasn't really thinking what I was thinking.

So there was that moment when I first admitted it to myself, that that is what I really had been doing. To suddenly realize that I was really hurting that badly but not allowing myself to believe it... well... It was almost as if I had just met myself for the first time, or something.

It was like I was saying to myself "It's nice to finally get to know you a bit." But all that came out was a cry. It felt good. It always does.
 
SS,

It is always a heavy experience to acknowledge that we considered suicide at some time or another. I thought of it several times when I was being abused.

Now what I try to do is turn that memory into something positive. How? I tell myself this was a step I contemplated when I was a defenseless kid who had no options. But now I am an adult. I DO have options. I can talk about these and see I am not defenseless like I was years ago.

The past is the past. It cannot hurt me now, unless I allow it to do so.

Much love,
Larry
 
It was almost as if I had just met myself for the first time, or something.

It was like I was saying to myself "It's nice to finally get to know you a bit."
Click to expand...
I can't help but remark that this was a taste of Self-knowledge. In Eastern spirituality, it is the final goal of sadhana. (spiritual practice) What begins with an inquiry into the nature of the self ends by finding the Divine within.

Jesse
 
Wow. That's pretty deep.

I know that some of the Easterns find value in hardship as being part of the path to enlightenment. Some of them, if my memory serves me, even go out of the way to impose hardhips upon themselves. If I remember, they refer to the hardship as the initiation of the process, the cleansing of the soul, or some such thing.

So this would mean that I (we) didn't have to go out and find any hardships like the Easterns do. I got mine sorta for free. A silver lining, perhaps?
 
Sylvester, what you experienced was similar to Eckhart Tolle's and Ramana Maharshi's awakenings. Tolle was at the brink of suicide when he said that he couldn't live with himself anymore. A question then dawned on him: If I can't live with myself, am I one or two persons? Who can't live with whom? He realized that his true Self had been replaced by a false self, the ego. He immediately became filled with tears and was enlightened shortly thereafter. Ramana had a similar experience.

So you didn't get it for free. You got it because your previous suicidal state forced you to inquire whether you were the self (the ego) or not. You said: I wasn't really thinking what I was thinking. Who was thinking and who wasn't? That sort of inquiry is pure Vedantic meditation.

I'm no teacher but I have studied Eastern philosophy and spirituality most of my life and in college and I am almost certain that you had a satori experience. Satori is only a glimpse of enlightenment. You can have bigger, deeper, and longer satoris.

These experiences you can purposely bring about through meditation and other practices. You mentioned hardships. These are called tapas in yoga and they aren't meant to hurt yourself. If you do them with the wrong attitude they only hinder instead of help. They are specifically used to help you become aware that you are not the body nor the mind. What you are is much more special--you are nothing less than the spark of God. To actually experience that while being fully conscious is the goal of Eastern spirituality.

May you find the Divine within you.

Jesse
 
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