Just another rant about god

ODAT

Registrant
I spoke to a clergyman recently and mused to him that I wonder what my life would have been like had I not been abused. He reminded me that this life on earth is but a vapor in time in relation to eternity. I choose to believe in God and that there is more than this earthly (and sometimes miserable) existence. I also believe that the people who abused us will be held accountable in their actions if not in this life than in the one to come. That’s just my belief but it comforts me in trying to be the best person I can be while I’m on earth. It’s not all about me but what I do to help others too while I am here…
 
it comforts me in trying to be the best person I can be while I’m on earth. It’s not all about me but what I do to help others too while I am here…
That's the important part: to do the best with what we have here despite any postmortem promises or any ideas about the "afterlife". Thank you for reminding me of that.
 
First, @Silentwar , I am coming late to this conversation and hope things have gotten a little better for you. I can't tell you how many times I have asked God, Jesus or the Holy Spirit to speak directly and audibly to me. I know I have really believed in Him since I was 14. During that time I became an alcoholic and quit at age 24. I am 62 now. I cut my self terribly. The first time I was with my wife and she really felt my arms I had to tell her how much cutting I did. My arms are all scarred from top to bottom from it. When I stopped drinking, I spent every night (in addition to sleeping and going to AA) walking and talking to God (sometimes not so nicely). I was extremely depressed and wanted to drink a lot of the time, but no audible answer. I got married and then, though I thought it was over, after about six or seven years, my same sex attraction returned. Can't tell you how much it has screwed up my marriage. I know Gog saved my son's life when science could not. I went through various health issues, but I am still here. My favorite thought then was "Isn't it wonderful that God doesn't send lightening bolts every time we say something bad to Him. I'd be a crispy critter now."

My point is I am still here. Somehow it seems that God always does something to bail me out. Can I prove that it is Him? I have chosen to believe that it is Him. I do not believe in coincidences. If everything were based on pure chance or some secular set of rules, I would be divorced and my youngest son would be dead.

Don't get me wrong. My life has been hell, but it has been better than most people in this world. I have no reason for that, because I have screwed up enough to have spent a long time in jail for drunk driving. It is a mystery to me.

I better stop. I don't know all of your struggles and circumstances, but I can guess how you feel. I have gone on the warpath against God too many times to count and He just won't let me go. I hope somehow you can find some peace with him. I have by trying to be grateful and help others. Getting outside of myself helps.

I heard a preacher recently say that it is extremely hard for us survivors to trust God when we have been so beaten up by life. It can happen and I wish you well my friend.
 

Silentwar

Registrant
Evil is winning now and it triggers me so much. Let me explain, when I hear they’re planning to go door to door to inject people, that puts me right back in the moment when the child rapist would knock on our door and take me to his empty house. What I’m trying to say is, I wasn’t protected then and I’m not protected now, there’s no god or cavalry coming to to save us blah blah blah.

Suicide isn’t an option because that’s not a guaranteed get out clause, so what’s left? Just waiting it out till I expire in this fucking godforsaken place. I’m so tired, I’m not happy and wish I had enough money to withdraw and isolate instead of having to pretend.

This life, this fucking prison sentence, we can’t even travel without having the fucking government in your your fucking bloodstream, fuck this place and all who created it and all who fucking run it. Fuck it all.
 
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That's an interesting perspective, @Silentwar. I haven't heard about the government planning to go door to door to inoculate us - probably because it's not true. Even if the government was able to do such a thing, and they're not, entire states in this country refuse to be vaccinated ... and unsurprisingly, covid is killing those people. If people want to be killed by covid, that's not my problem, but it is nice that most of them are staying far away from me and my kid who is still too young to be vaccinated for covid.
 

Silentwar

Registrant
I think my dilemma is: I’m upset because I want to die and I haven’t yet, but I’m also upset because I want to live a full life and now it seems that’s it’s too late for that. I just want to spend 6 months in isolation away from all things just so I can heal and not experience any people whatsoever.

Sometimes I spin out, and sometimes I reflect on thoughts like ‘how could my own father hand me over to a paedophile’

I think for the most part, people see god as they see their own father, so for me that means cold and distant. I’ve been watching a lot of NDE videos as a way of trying to comprehend what is on the other side. I’m just so tired. So tired of the tension in my ass hole and my neck. Tired of the sadness that sits in my forehead. And the memories of the the smell.

I have no ballast and I’m just killing time till the next crisis. This is how I’ve lived.
 
It's never too late to heal, @Silentwar. We have men here on these boards in their 70s and perhaps even 80s who are healing and are much happier for it.

I understand how you feel. It sucks, and you are correct, it's not much of a life to just live from crisis to crisis. Is there anything you can do this moment to make yourself feel a little better?

There are some questions that no one has answers to. I wish I could tell you why your father did evil things. I cannot. These unanswered questions do make life difficult. But we can move on and away and live for our present selves, not our pasts.

Do you have anyone IRL to talk to?
 

Silentwar

Registrant
It's never too late to heal, @Silentwar. We have men here on these boards in their 70s and perhaps even 80s who are healing and are much happier for it.

I understand how you feel. It sucks, and you are correct, it's not much of a life to just live from crisis to crisis. Is there anything you can do this moment to make yourself feel a little better?

There are some questions that no one has answers to. I wish I could tell you why your father did evil things. I cannot. These unanswered questions do make life difficult. But we can move on and away and live for our present selves, not our pasts.

Do you have anyone IRL to talk to?
No. I have no one to talk to.
 
I think my dilemma is: I’m upset because I want to die and I haven’t yet, but I’m also upset because I want to live a full life and now it seems that’s it’s too late for that. I just want to spend 6 months in isolation away from all things just so I can heal and not experience any people whatsoever.

No. I have no one to talk to.
@Silentwar. I am sorry. I am so, so sorry. And my words are not pity. They are heartfelt empathy for you.

I am sorry for the emptiness of hope you feel, and for the isolation you feel that is so desolate. I / we can't physically be there for you. We just can't. But we will be here for you in this space called MaleSurvivor. We will hope, when you can't hope. And we will long for that full life you want - for you - when you feel exhausted and absent an ability to keep trying.

There is a biblical concept called intercession. The easiest intercessory picture to understand is that of Jesus at the right hand of god, asking god on our behalves, for whatever we need. He knows we can run out of the strength to even ask for what we need. And he is not only able to ask on our behalves, but he is also willing to and wanting to ask for us. And... the cool thing is... it isn't just Jesus who can intercede for us! We are told to intercede for each other. I told someone else this last week and am telling you too: please don't hear, "We, the healthy and superior ones, will intercede for you, the helpless, sick and needy one." That is not the case at all. None of us are healthy. And you are definitely not helpless. Rather, we are all sick and needy. And intercession is something we do, friend to friend, for one another. We do it out of love (not out of superiority).

So can I ask you why, "... it seems that it's too late for that (a full life)?"

Also - what can we do to help you @Silentwar? What outside of interceding in thoughts, words, and prayers? Please let us know.
 

Silentwar

Registrant
I’m 50 now. And it feels like I was raped yesterday.

I’m trying to make things work but I’m pretty sure I’m cursed. Like for real. My dad was into black magic. I found my name cut out of the newspaper on the kitchen floor. But it was old, like decades old. I think it was in his shoe as some sort of spell.

I mention this because this is what fries my mind.

I was unknowingly placed in a pit of fucking snakes that were planning against me from the start.

To me, rape is the inverse of a miracle. Unless I witness a miracle soon, I reckon I’ll call it quits.

I could say fuck god etc but he/it doesn’t care or isn’t listening so that’s pointless.

The only reason I haven’t ended it is because I haven’t gotten rid of all my possessions. Admin, basically.
 

Silentwar

Registrant
Also, I don’t think there’s anything that can help. And I’m not just saying that to be self indulgent.

Im so angry that I didn’t get away from where all the abuse happened.
 
I'm glad you're telling us all this my friend. Yes, it feels impossible that anything can change and living in a hell realm is exactly that. But men here understand. What happened to you is horrific... there is no doubt about that. My mother didn't give me to pedophiles but she did sexually abuse me as an infant and I was so frightened of her that I thought kids in the family next door would make great playmates. It turned out the family that lived on three sides of my home, was immersed in pedophilia. Grandfather, sons, grandsons were all playing sexual games with one another and giving me my formal education in sex. As you can imagine, it didn't turn out too well... failed marriages, sexual acting out all over the place. I'm 80 years old and still coming to terms with what happened in the past. Life is easier, but it has been very hard work getting here. Of course, I didn't have Male Survivor in my life until thirty some months ago. It makes all the difference to me simply because I know I can tell the truth here. I'm not alone with all this shit. You're not alone either... whether you believe in God or not, you are welcome to tell the truth, ask for support and do your healing work... right here.

You may have noted that many of the fellows working here now are in their fifties. That was when I encountered the first memories of having been raped when I was 7. I spent a couple of years fragmented over those memories and the damage I'd done as a result of my own brokenness. Stick with us SilentWar. We'll share the journey with you.
 
I have so much quiet anger, compressed and seething. I get god or whoever didn’t intervene when I was being raped, but where is he/it now?
Hello Silentwar: In your last post you wrote: "I’m 50 now. And it feels like I was raped yesterday." I am 69 now and I have often felt like I was just raped this morning. Literally, my anus hurts to the point where I sought medical care repeatedly only to be told there was nothing wrong. The most horrific rape I experienced was when I was 5 years old. I cried for days. My mother's friend brought me to the man who raped me. My parent's remained friends with her. I used to be frozen in terror when I saw her. In addition, I was used by my mother to give her orgasms throughout my young childhood plus I was raped by another friend of the family in my own bed because I was so special. So I have experienced rage and hatred so intense that I did not even know a human being was capable of such hate. Often that hate is turned inward - i.e. I have hated myself... Nothing anyone says can make any of this go away or turn our true stories of having our bodies treated as objects into stories that are in any way nice or uplifting. I once was told that God was there weeping with me but I was kind of numb to what that meant... I have spent much of my life numb to many things. I have often wanted to die and had fantasized about driving off a bridge - or jumping off a bridge and that eventually turned to just earnestly desiring to die because the pain of living was too great. Realizing that no one cared about the little boy who was me, I think, was the true source of my pain and still is.
So, to answer your question, I do believe that God was there when you were raped, He is with you now and will continue to be with you. He is your awareness, He is the reason you are still here, He is the reason you are "reaching out" by posting on this website - he is reality and you are a vital part of reality. Those who perpetrated evil upon you will come to an awareness of the grave harm they caused you and they will have to give an account in eternity for what the did here in time - and each of us will have to do the same.
You do matter, you are loved, your testimony of truth matters, you are not alone. The reality is that those who harmed you were so broken that they used the body of a little boy to gratify themselves and they are to be pitied most especially if they never acknowledged the evil they did and never tried to make it right - and the reality is that it cannot be made right by any person here in time - but it will be made right in eternity. Don't let evil win, keep fighting to live even when you don't feel like it. You are worth it. You are loved. Even if you don't feel it, even if you don't believe it - it is true. I pray you can see it and I extend to you an invitation to accept the peace that comes with understanding that despite your thoughts, God does love you.
 

Silentwar

Registrant
Thank you for the responses, they are well thought out and insightful. I think there is a reason that I’m on a forum instead of in the morgue. It’s probably that there might be a grain of hope in this all. If I make it to the new year I’ll be surprised but I guess stranger things have happened. But all of your replies have helped a lot with dealing with these feelings.
 
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You've doubtless heard the line... The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. That you see a grain of hope can be such a beginning for you. Yes, there is work to be done and healing takes time. Stay close to this website and keep sharing what you're experiencing. We'll be here to support you along the way.
 
Thank you for the responses, they are well thought out and insightful. I think there is a reason that I’m on a forum instead of in the morgue. It’s probably that there might be a grain of hope in this all. If I make it to the new year I’ll be surprised but I guess stranger things have happened. But all of your replies have helped a lot with dealing with these feelings.

While you may feel alone in your corner of the world you are not alone in this world, right here on this site are so many brothers who have and are walking in your shoes, understand just about everything you are going through and do care about you.

As for where was/is God in all this? If he even exists... For me the proof of God is all the good & beauty I see. #1 is love and I mean real love. I can't see a sunrise or sunset, an untouched landscape, the ocean, a baby, even a baby animal and not see all the hope & promise and even the hand of God in all that. On the opposite side of the spectrum is all the evil in the world and around us, and this is where I think satan screwed up in that his proof of himself (to me) has only reinforced my belief & trust in God. But why me or others are being/were hurt? Free will, free will (from what I've come to understand it) is what God gave to us to choose to walk with him (or not), to be a friend, to be our perfect Heavenly Father for mutual love & enjoyment. Other people's free will does effect us just as our free will for good or for bad effects other people. I believe God loves us and wants us to love and trust him, in & with him we can find healing & inner peace. As for the big bang theory, grab all the stuff inside and outside your house, tumble it all together and throw it high in the air and see the world that is born of that mess and then try to explain to me how there was no intelligent design/God. As much as God loves me & you, satan all the while has been trying to destroy all of us, blind us & lie to us, and I've come to understand that he's pretty good at what he does. I've come to trust God's will & plan for us and this world he created, even the stuff I don't like about it (such as satan & evil) and don't understand his reasoning for. He's a gentleman though and doesn't force himself on us, he leaves the decision of a relationship up to us.

Myself I got saved at 12, I was grasping at anything to save me. Believe me, I had a lot of reasons to not believe and to even curse & hate God as a child, for one my mother dying when I was 5, the hell of a broken childhood & family many times over, the ongoing sexual abuse and all that it brought. If it wasn't for my own peace with trusting and walking with the Lord, and believe me I'm far from perfect and no angel, that I wouldn't have been able to both forgive myself and even my abuser. I had this/my basic of understanding of God and my relationship of God/us before I had kids but it didn't really hit home until I had my first child what real love was, how forgiving & loving God is for us, how he grieves with us. When you consider God's realm is outside of time as we know it and when eternity is his time and can be for us that the hurt in this lifetime will be just a blip, but his love will endure forever and I find comfort & hope in this.
 
While you may feel alone in your corner of the world you are not alone in this world, right here on this site are so many brothers who have and are walking in your shoes, understand just about everything you are going through and do care about you.

As for where was/is God in all this? If he even exists... For me the proof of God is all the good & beauty I see. #1 is love and I mean real love. I can't see a sunrise or sunset, an untouched landscape, the ocean, a baby, even a baby animal and not see all the hope & promise and even the hand of God in all that. On the opposite side of the spectrum is all the evil in the world and around us, and this is where I think satan screwed up in that his proof of himself (to me) has only reinforced my belief & trust in God. But why me or others are being/were hurt? Free will, free will (from what I've come to understand it) is what God gave to us to choose to walk with him (or not), to be a friend, to be our perfect Heavenly Father for mutual love & enjoyment. Other people's free will does effect us just as our free will for good or for bad effects other people. I believe God loves us and wants us to love and trust him, in & with him we can find healing & inner peace. As for the big bang theory, grab all the stuff inside and outside your house, tumble it all together and throw it high in the air and see the world that is born of that mess and then try to explain to me how there was no intelligent design/God. As much as God loves me & you, satan all the while has been trying to destroy all of us, blind us & lie to us, and I've come to understand that he's pretty good at what he does. I've come to trust God's will & plan for us and this world he created, even the stuff I don't like about it (such as satan & evil) and don't understand his reasoning for. He's a gentleman though and doesn't force himself on us, he leaves the decision of a relationship up to us.

Myself I got saved at 12, I was grasping at anything to save me. Believe me, I had a lot of reasons to not believe and to even curse & hate God as a child, for one my mother dying when I was 5, the hell of a broken childhood & family many times over, the ongoing sexual abuse and all that it brought. If it wasn't for my own peace with trusting and walking with the Lord, and believe me I'm far from perfect and no angel, that I wouldn't have been able to both forgive myself and even my abuser. I had this/my basic of understanding of God and my relationship of God/us before I had kids but it didn't really hit home until I had my first child what real love was, how forgiving & loving God is for us, how he grieves with us. When you consider God's realm is outside of time as we know it and when eternity is his time and can be for us that the hurt in this lifetime will be just a blip, but his love will endure forever and I find comfort & hope in this.
George: Every word you wrote in this post is faith filled and inspiring. So very well said. Eloquent. Thank you so much and God Bless you!
 
I clicked this thread after reading a quote from the bible on a journal at a store yesterday. “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” I thought, too bad thats not me.

I’ve been reading the comments here, I just wish I had local friends to be around like you guys…
 

Silentwar

Registrant
So I wanted to wait a while before my next reply seeing as I found some of what was said interesting but also triggering regarding gods ‘love’.

The truth is, I’m having the saddest time of my life. Everything gets slightly harder everyday, when I wake up I have so many regrets, unanswered questions while thinking about my experiences and also thinking about my mother’s death in 2018.

It’s seems there’s no such thing as karma, I’m sick to death of reading or hearing about that concept when I can reel off a list of names of people who are pretty comfortable after being fucking disgusting to me and others. Just happily getting on with their lives.

I go to work, smile and laugh but secretly I just want to isolate myself away from humanity.
I hate being in public seeing as I suffer with BDD,
I can’t see any reason for planning for a future that now seems to be something written by George Orwell.

There’s a church that I sit in once in a while, mainly because the architecture is great, but even then when I sit there I don’t feel as if anyone really cares or is listening. Also it doesn’t help that none of the religious imagery doesn’t look like me racially. Just like everything else.

So you’re telling me, after my bullshit life, if I don’t apologise, I go to hell? This is hell. I follow groups on telegram that deal with speaking out against satanic child abuse networks and some of those testimonies will stop you in your tracks. And it just reminds that this is indeed a hell realm and there is no one coming to save anyone, or so it feels. No came to the rescue during slavery or the gas chambers. So why would I hold my breath thinking I’m special?

We can do a test, a week or two, to see if anything changes after praying. But let me guess, god doesn’t work that way. I know I’m being an ungrateful asshole and I don’t fucking care anymore. I’ve been quite amicable considering my circumstances. While watching cuntish people live their lives to the full.

Everyday is more bad news. So what’s the point? No one can prove that there’s something good ‘just around the corner’. So again what the point?
Financially I’m fucked, I’ve ended up being 50 living with family. Working a part time job on benefits. I can’t even afford therapy.

I think I was meant to be dead a long time ago, I can’t see any reason for being here other than suffering which I try to forget about by thinking about travelling but even that’s fucked now.

So in conclusion, god exists but only for other people, I’ll believe god is listening when I see justice. As for gods plan, the jury is still out on that for me. As for me, I guess I’m just some idiot who was unlucky enough to grow up within close proximity to a child rapist and have a toxic narcissistic ‘father’ with paedophilic tendencies.

So why am I even typing this? In the off chance that miracles happen, but as we all know, that’s highly unlikely.
 

kmac

Registrant
Instead of ranting about God, rant about Satan....and praise God. When bad things happen to us one of the first things we do is blame God and not lay anything on the cause of the problem, Satan. Satan caused the person who violated us, to act as he/she did.
 
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