Just another rant about god

Silentwar

Registrant
So it seems like I’m in that low part of my life where I’m ready to quit. Again. And this is where I usually start reflecting on my 50 years of life and what a sad waste of time it has been. The abuse started around the age of 5, and I can’t help feel that my life has gotten worse from those moments onwards.

so I’m now at a place where I feel cheated of a lifetime, my abusers dead, I’d desecrate his grave if I knew where he was buried. I try to believe in the greater good but it’s quite evident that god is currently out of office.

I’ve had no justice, no help, I’m not in a good place in my life and on top of that, it seems as though I’ll be forced to have something put in me against my will which I find extremely triggering. I keep praying for a miracle but all I receive is silence. I heard a story yesterday of a man who was in hospital at the age of 17 and didn’t even believe in god but still had an angelic being sit with him and protect him.

so it appears that gods love is a lottery. If that does indeed exist.

I have so much quiet anger, compressed and seething. I get god or whoever didn’t intervene when I was being raped, but where is he/it now?
 

Dan99

Registrant
I've wrestled with this, too.

There are a lot of people throwing his name around down here pretty loosely. You'd think he'd take an interest, ;)
 

ODAT

Registrant
Hi-I’m really sorry you’ve had to go through all those difficult times. I recently spoke with a religious member asking what my life would have been like if I hadn’t been abused. He told me to try to remember that this life is like the blink of an eye but that we have all eternity to be with God. I try to hold onto that as I believe there’s a lot more than what we experience on earth. If He takes you to it, He’ll get you through it…
Take care of yourself and be gentle on the little boy, you, who did the best he could under incredibly difficult circumstances.
 
@Silentwar I am sorry that things are tough. Can I ask you why your anger is compressed and seething. After two hours of praying with two friends they encouraged me to talk to Jesus. I exploded in rage and told him to F off. It was perhaps the most honest prayer I have ever prayed. If you are angry at God let him have it.
 

Silentwar

Registrant
@Silentwar I am sorry that things are tough. Can I ask you why your anger is compressed and seething. After two hours of praying with two friends they encouraged me to talk to Jesus. I exploded in rage and told him to F off. It was perhaps the most honest prayer I have ever prayed. If you are angry at God let him have it.
I’m mostly angry at god all of the time. Nothing really changes so I see that as being ignored which comes as no surprise.

I compress my anger because if I didn’t I’d be in prison.
 
Honestly, that last time I prayed was during sex that I didn‘t want to be having, I was pressured into it and like an idiot I gave in, I told Him that I hated Him…
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
Are you open to an experience? (You don't have to answer this).

I believe Angels protect us. I had an experience last year that I'm sure was nothing but the sort, of course there was a small lesson I learned afterwards. I think that the lot of us here are protected by a higher power and guided to do things that are for our benefit. I'm not positive but I've started to pay attention to those things. What we go through isn't easy, its beyond hard and most of the time we are struggling at best. What if you tried doing what you can for you? Try to take care of your needs right now, if you can. I've often left God alone because I felt like an orphan my whole life (this isn't true).

Anyway, I hate sounding preachy. It's hard to be sincere on the internet because context is lost. I do agree with Dan, get mad and angry--let that shit out in a constructive way. Holding onto that won't help you in the long run.

Silentwar, I know its really hard right now, you have gotten this far in life. I hope you can see that. Take care, the best way you know how.
 

Samson360

Registrant
Those words could have come straight from me. I totally relate to you. I was molested between the ages of nine and 11 years old and then was diagnosed with a neuromuscular disease and at 12 years old lost most of my vision and had to attend a blind school. My entire life nobody tried to teach me about God and I didn't go to church very often. My life has been a very difficult but at times good life. But right now today I fear that I have indeed given up. For the past 20 years I've been trying anything and everything to gain God's approval and to somehow grow closer to him. That included church every Sunday and teaching Sunday school and bringing my nephew into the church when his dad got locked up. I had three properties that I had to take care of, take care of my parents and helped raise my nephew and just anything that I just knew God would somehow acknowledge. I prayed up to three times a day for the one thing that I wanted more than anything, that was to just have peace and joy in me. But those prayers remained unanswered and I did begin to hate God very much. It's been over the past five years that I've been trying to get back closer to God and leave all that other stuff in the past. I'm going to church now which I love and I volunteer at a local ministry helping others and of course on top of that therapy as well. I think about suicide every day, that I just want these feelings inside of self-hatred and worthlessness and such to just go away. I am tired of life, very very tired and in all of this I to wonder where in the hell is God. I reckon that I am too much of a coward to end it all but I don't know what I'm living for anyway, I haven't been volunteering for over a month now because of a lack of a way to get there and so I sit here in my home alone, as I screwed up any attempt at having a family so I'm going to die alone and why the hell am I sticking around for anyway, I have no purpose except to get up every morning just to sit in my recliner with one of the good things in my life, my dog. I wish I could encourage you in some way. I will tell you the one thing that has kept me from ending it is I have this allusion or maybe hope that things are going to get better right around the corner. So be good my friend and I wish all the best for you. And above all don't be hard on yourself like I am always
 
I was abused in the basement of a church multiple times. And yes, I prayed for the abusers to stop, and I hoped for some "angel" to come and rescue me. Guess how many times that happened.
A big confusion comes when people try to make the equivalent between "God" (or whatever legendary creature) with the emergent goodness and good will of humans.
Blaming "God" or "The Devil" for my abuse or for not protecting me has led me into wasting a colossal amount of time with a love-hate relationship with my past. Sometimes I could call "angels" to people who just happened to be in the correct place and with the intention to help. That doesn't mean there was an interdimensional portal from the "divine realm" to send an ethereal human-shaped being just to tell me "watch your step" so that I don't fall in a hole in the ground... Am I right? The same goes for the people who abused me and their actions. I see those people as very sick human beings who had to endure their pain and desperation by causing pain on others. But they were not interdimensional beings, just flesh and bone with advantage and power beyond mine and A LOT of unresolved issues.
I no longer believe or listen to people who tell me that "all that pain was to teach me a lesson". I came to conclude and to understand that I was not strong because of the abuse, I became strong because I decided to accept and to live beyond my abuse.
If any "god" exists, it makes no difference in the way I interact with reality. My definition of "god" has to do mainly with circumstances that I have few or no control. So saying that "god" controls the weather is correct... But I don't expect that "praying" will make a sunny day.
Cheers!
 

Silentwar

Registrant
I remember reading about someone’s religious abuse experience, where the abuser said ‘where is your god now?’ I’ve never been able to get that line out of my head, and I’ve never read or heard or experienced anything that overwrites that question.

I understand that others around me have had a reason to trust god, but until I get solid proof of god in my life then it’s just stories. It’s all stories and fables. Like Father Christmas and the tooth fairy.

On a more serious note, Deism makes sense to me, what ever created this, was here but has disappeared a long time ago, hence the evil getting away with it for what seems forever.
 
I sense those of us most angry with God grew up with some form of religion as part of our family's life. Why talk about God at all? Anger and disappointment suggests we want to believe in a God and more important want a God to be present in our lives to make them better. It is a bit like getting pissed at the Tooth Fairy when our teeth start falling out. Where is she when we need her?

Bad shit happened to us and for reasons we can't explain, don't understand... no one protected us or came to our aid after the bad events happened. It is understood in literature about trauma, that if the child is able to tell his or her parents about what happened, AND the parents believe the child, soothe the child and take action on behalf of protecting the child... the child will not carry the residue of trauma that grips most of us here. Perhaps our parents were the perpetrators, or perhaps they were simply lousy parents who had no idea how to nourish a child or protect him. And so were fucked from the beginning. I describe my life as a hell realm. That said, therapy, twelve step work, extensive reading, sharing on Male Survivor is helping me. Yes, it would be easy to regret the past because there has been a great deal of pain, both for me and for those close to me. But all that shit was rooted in trauma. I did the best I could and some of my life was rewarding, satisfying. Some people love me for what is good about me. I'm kind. I'm generous. I listen well. And, when old friends come to visit I want to run away into porn, alcohol and food. I'm still a work in progress at EIGHTY years of age.

They say "my arms too short to box with God." I say, since he doesn't exist... so what?
 
I did the best I could and some of my life was rewarding, satisfying
@Visitor I can totally relate to this. It seems that, the deeper the traumas, the lower the expectations about divinity and supernatural beings.
From the way I see it, the notion about "God" is an emergent belief that's born from agreements inside communities. Most of the time, the "gods" have to do with the things the community fears of or feels gratitude to: the rain, the land, the rivers, the Sun, the Moon, animals, etc. And the powers attributed to those elements. Abrahamic religions go a step further and promote devotion to a "God" who is not in the physical realm, but inhabits the "spiritual realm". Coincidentally, the cult to the Abrahamic God was founded by nomad tribes who had to survive in the desert and live for the day feeding on whatever they found at hand (I know this can be controversial and may not be historically accurate but you may understand the general idea). There was no point or time to adore clouds, rivers, plants, celestial bodies, etc. Before becoming sedentary by finding "The Promised Land" they could be attacked anytime by a rival tribe. I think this is why Abrahamic religions (specially Christians) have been so successful. They were forged in the fires of uncertainty, when hope meets spirituality and there's no guarantee that there will be life to see another day. That is when people discover "faith" and feels grateful with "The Highest Powers" which could also be called "The Natural Order" or just "Probability(?)".
Modern humans in crowded cities can barely relate to the feelings described above. Even with all the difficulties and in the worst conditions, homeless people can survive in a city (I'm not talking about quality of life... just living another day). Those "Highest Powers" are replaced by some human institution (government, corporation, family, church, charity, gang, cartel, mafia) who provides in a gentle or violent way. This "Apotheosis" of human institutions is, from the way I think, the source of modern humans' loss of faith. Gratitude has been replaced by financial transactions or other kinds of currency like temporary entertainment, sexual activities or even "favors". The "Natural Order" has been downgraded under "Economic Indices". This elevation of human institutions to a divine grade is making human beings look every day more like disposable commodities. Professional expectations and competition are rising to absurd levels forcing those same institutions to become corrupted to keep standards and prices high. The same applies to "Families" and religious institutions. Parents want "perfect" children who can keep up with quality standards and be good in the "Eyes of God" even if that means willingly take their children to be abused in "The House of God" as happened to me.
Modern humans are craving to reconnect with those "Highest Powers" but there's a lot of noise, specially coming from mass media who offers CGI-made visual miracles and perfect bodies and drama and comedy and VR goggles and smartphones and everything imaginable. It seems we're stuck in a big question: do humans need institutions more than institutions need humans?
I don't think this is the first time human race faces this kind of dilemmas but globalization and modern technologies add new ingredients to this situation. That was too much philosophy for me... let me know what you think.
Remember... don't feel sorry for a fellow survivor but, instead, celebrate their strength.
Cheers!
 

Sawyer49

Registrant
I can only testify that I believe in Him. That He knows me, and I know Him, I pray and accepted Him in my heart at 18. He knows all of it, and He understands our anger, He knows abuse, He knows rejection, for He became man was abused tortured rejected for each of us. We live in a fallen world full of evil. It becomes very confusing why evils are allowed to exist. It is part of the free will given to us by Him. He never wanted what happened to us to happen.
He loves you, and He knows everything about us and will accept you just as you are.
 
I can only testify that I believe in Him. That He knows me, and I know Him, I pray and accepted Him in my heart at 18. He knows all of it, and He understands our anger, He knows abuse, He knows rejection, for He became man was abused tortured rejected for each of us. We live in a fallen world full of evil. It becomes very confusing why evils are allowed to exist. It is part of the free will given to us by Him. He never wanted what happened to us to happen.
He loves you, and He knows everything about us and will accept you just as you are.
I appreciate your words and I respect your decision to have faith in whoever "Him" is. But I'd also appreciate if you could avoid trying to be the spokesman of "Him" and writing as if my abuse was just cured and nullified because "He" was also abused and tortured.
I was part of religious communities in my early years and I know that they can create really good things. But I also suffered the counterpart when they tried to destroy my individuality through indoctrination and fanaticism.
Again, please, if you talk about someone else's difficulties show some respect and empathy by avoiding talking in plural. Everyone's process is different, we're all humans trying our best to survive and thrive. And when we stop trying to "destroy evil in the world" and, instead, start respecting each other and "loving our neighbor as we love ourselves" then "God" starts to make some sense.
Cheers!
 

Sawyer49

Registrant
I in no way was proposing that your abuse was cured or nullified. I apologize that you interpreted my words that way. I did not mean to show you disrespect in any way either.
I respect each individual here.
Telling someone that someone else was abused does not discount or disrespect a person. If you believe that it does then I apologize that is how you interpreted the words I wrote.
Here on this site and in the spiritual topic many of us share stories no one is claiming that one story of abuse cancels, cures, or detracts from another's story. The sharing of each story actually allows one to relate more to each other. As far as plural I will keep that in mind and sorry that it offended you and please accept my apology since you felt disrespected. That was not my intent.
 
@Sawyer49 it's ok. :)
Just keep in mind that the speech you're used to give sometimes can have an undesired effect on others. I hope you find a religious community that helps you heal and become a constructive individual.
Cheers!
 
I remember reading about someone’s religious abuse experience, where the abuser said ‘where is your god now?’ I’ve never been able to get that line out of my head, and I’ve never read or heard or experienced anything that overwrites that question.

I understand that others around me have had a reason to trust god, but until I get solid proof of god in my life then it’s just stories. It’s all stories and fables. Like Father Christmas and the tooth fairy.

On a more serious note, Deism makes sense to me, what ever created this, was here but has disappeared a long time ago, hence the evil getting away with it for what seems forever.
I'm sorry @Silentwar
I got too caught up with my own religious dilemmas that I forgot this is your thread :oops:
How are you today?
I just remembered a phrase that helped me some days before when I still believed in miracles
"Trust God, but tie your camel"
Also, there's a stoic principle called amor fati, which means I should accept that results may not be what I expected even if I did my best, just love the result.
When I feel aggressive and need to shake the stress out, I follow a class of body combat. There's one in YouTube in the channel "Les Mills" which is really nice and helped me a lot to take out anger without hurting others.
I hope some of this helps you
Cheers!
 

Harry

Registrant
amor fati ...
I like it. Whatever happens, love it. The toothfairy's failure to exist pissed me off a good deal, but I've outgrown the anger. Stoicism grows when faith dwindles. For me anyway.
 

Silentwar

Registrant
I think what I want is proof. Physical proof. That god cares. No stories, no anecdotes, no quotes from a bible that has been used as a weapon to advance European dominance over the whole world. Just simple proof. No hippie Italian Jesus, no mega church bullshit, no being a wretched sinner, just proof.

I remember one summer standing in a friends back garden, hearing the sounds of him being raped by the next door neighbour. I mostly have these type of memories that show me how much god is indifferent. Maybe that’s my proof, that god doesn’t really care or he picks and chooses who he ‘blesses’.
 
Last edited:
I think what I want is proof. Physical proof. That god cares. No stories, no anecdotes, no quotes from a bible that has been used as a weapon to advance European dominance over the whole world. Just simple proof. No hippie Italian Jesus, no mega church bullshit, no being a wretched sinner, just proof.

I remember one summer standing in a friends back garden, hearing the sounds of him being raped by the next door neighbour. I mostly have these type of memories that show me how much god is indifferent. Maybe that’s my proof, that god doesn’t really care or he picks and chooses who he ‘blesses’.
I've been in that situation and spent a long time "challenging God to prove He's real". I eventually understood that the universe has no moral compass and it doesn't give a sh*t about what expectations I have. Life is what it is and I paid a very expensive price to realize an obvious truth: that those "evidences" are on my side and that it is in my power to change my attitude. The CSA-related pain is in the past, decades away, and it is my decision to bring it back or leave it behind where it belongs. I'm not invulnerable and many times I get triggered and the ghosts invade my thoughts but, at least, being conscious about the events help me stay focused in the present and leave memories where they belong, taking only what may have given me a lesson.
Sometimes it helps me to feel blessed by appreciating some taken-for-granted things like electricity, Internet, water, food and also, freedom. There's people in jail or refugee camps who don't have half the things we do so, at least, I can appreciate that :) I wouldn't be writing this post if I didn't have at least those things.
And yes, some of the people who abused me have a luxurious life. Some others who have wronged me are wealthy. It's my freedom to choose how much I let envy and thirst of "justice" (vengeance) affect me. If I want something they have, I'll have to pay a price to achieve it. One way or another, if those people have what they have, they've paid a price. Even if they were born in wealthy families, some of them are surrounded by people who won't hesitate to make them fall and they have to save the face every day.
So I try to keep that balance between taking care of myself and not trying to be a hero and not damaging others... and not expecting divine justice because... maybe "God" is too busy to play superhero/avenger this year :confused: ... and I try not to mess with people or other creatures that may result dangerous
But that's my case. I cannot talk for any other person. Each one of us have their resources, expectations and desires and all of them are valid but not all of them will help us live the life we want
 
Top