Just another rant about god

Silentwar

Registrant
So it seems like I’m in that low part of my life where I’m ready to quit. Again. And this is where I usually start reflecting on my 50 years of life and what a sad waste of time it has been. The abuse started around the age of 5, and I can’t help feel that my life has gotten worse from those moments onwards.

so I’m now at a place where I feel cheated of a lifetime, my abusers dead, I’d desecrate his grave if I knew where he was buried. I try to believe in the greater good but it’s quite evident that god is currently out of office.

I’ve had no justice, no help, I’m not in a good place in my life and on top of that, it seems as though I’ll be forced to have something put in me against my will which I find extremely triggering. I keep praying for a miracle but all I receive is silence. I heard a story yesterday of a man who was in hospital at the age of 17 and didn’t even believe in god but still had an angelic being sit with him and protect him.

so it appears that gods love is a lottery. If that does indeed exist.

I have so much quiet anger, compressed and seething. I get god or whoever didn’t intervene when I was being raped, but where is he/it now?
 

Dan99

Registrant
I've wrestled with this, too.

There are a lot of people throwing his name around down here pretty loosely. You'd think he'd take an interest, ;)
 

ODAT

Registrant
Hi-I’m really sorry you’ve had to go through all those difficult times. I recently spoke with a religious member asking what my life would have been like if I hadn’t been abused. He told me to try to remember that this life is like the blink of an eye but that we have all eternity to be with God. I try to hold onto that as I believe there’s a lot more than what we experience on earth. If He takes you to it, He’ll get you through it…
Take care of yourself and be gentle on the little boy, you, who did the best he could under incredibly difficult circumstances.
 
@Silentwar I am sorry that things are tough. Can I ask you why your anger is compressed and seething. After two hours of praying with two friends they encouraged me to talk to Jesus. I exploded in rage and told him to F off. It was perhaps the most honest prayer I have ever prayed. If you are angry at God let him have it.
 

Silentwar

Registrant
@Silentwar I am sorry that things are tough. Can I ask you why your anger is compressed and seething. After two hours of praying with two friends they encouraged me to talk to Jesus. I exploded in rage and told him to F off. It was perhaps the most honest prayer I have ever prayed. If you are angry at God let him have it.
I’m mostly angry at god all of the time. Nothing really changes so I see that as being ignored which comes as no surprise.

I compress my anger because if I didn’t I’d be in prison.
 
Honestly, that last time I prayed was during sex that I didn‘t want to be having, I was pressured into it and like an idiot I gave in, I told Him that I hated Him…
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
Are you open to an experience? (You don't have to answer this).

I believe Angels protect us. I had an experience last year that I'm sure was nothing but the sort, of course there was a small lesson I learned afterwards. I think that the lot of us here are protected by a higher power and guided to do things that are for our benefit. I'm not positive but I've started to pay attention to those things. What we go through isn't easy, its beyond hard and most of the time we are struggling at best. What if you tried doing what you can for you? Try to take care of your needs right now, if you can. I've often left God alone because I felt like an orphan my whole life (this isn't true).

Anyway, I hate sounding preachy. It's hard to be sincere on the internet because context is lost. I do agree with Dan, get mad and angry--let that shit out in a constructive way. Holding onto that won't help you in the long run.

Silentwar, I know its really hard right now, you have gotten this far in life. I hope you can see that. Take care, the best way you know how.
 

Samson360

Registrant
Those words could have come straight from me. I totally relate to you. I was molested between the ages of nine and 11 years old and then was diagnosed with a neuromuscular disease and at 12 years old lost most of my vision and had to attend a blind school. My entire life nobody tried to teach me about God and I didn't go to church very often. My life has been a very difficult but at times good life. But right now today I fear that I have indeed given up. For the past 20 years I've been trying anything and everything to gain God's approval and to somehow grow closer to him. That included church every Sunday and teaching Sunday school and bringing my nephew into the church when his dad got locked up. I had three properties that I had to take care of, take care of my parents and helped raise my nephew and just anything that I just knew God would somehow acknowledge. I prayed up to three times a day for the one thing that I wanted more than anything, that was to just have peace and joy in me. But those prayers remained unanswered and I did begin to hate God very much. It's been over the past five years that I've been trying to get back closer to God and leave all that other stuff in the past. I'm going to church now which I love and I volunteer at a local ministry helping others and of course on top of that therapy as well. I think about suicide every day, that I just want these feelings inside of self-hatred and worthlessness and such to just go away. I am tired of life, very very tired and in all of this I to wonder where in the hell is God. I reckon that I am too much of a coward to end it all but I don't know what I'm living for anyway, I haven't been volunteering for over a month now because of a lack of a way to get there and so I sit here in my home alone, as I screwed up any attempt at having a family so I'm going to die alone and why the hell am I sticking around for anyway, I have no purpose except to get up every morning just to sit in my recliner with one of the good things in my life, my dog. I wish I could encourage you in some way. I will tell you the one thing that has kept me from ending it is I have this allusion or maybe hope that things are going to get better right around the corner. So be good my friend and I wish all the best for you. And above all don't be hard on yourself like I am always
 
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