just a story about my life

[mikeg]

I spend my early childhood, basically with a absent father, who would rather spend time at work than at home, been brought up in a typical christian family, youngest of 3, only boy, my whole life was safe and trouble free, had a couple of friends,
in our suburb all the children would play with each other and have sleep overs, I can still think about our care free days spending playing and swimming. just being children.

there was trouble with our neighbor and my mom organized that I must go to school with a friend of us, the friend decided that she will asked 1 of the older guys to take us to school, the guy was in the police force, so we (I) trusted him, wow how cool can that be,

but soon did i realize it was a mistake, every morning he asked if i wanted to go with him to drop off other kids, and on the way to school he would stop and ask me about masturbation, if i do it or do i know how good it feels, and the more I refused the more he will carry on,eventually he was rubbing himself and asked me if i want to touch it,its all fine because all male friends does it together, and it will be our secret.

how it happened i cant recall, but i know that he would walk naked in front of me, playing with himself and showing how big he was, must admit it did feel great having a grown up man, showing interest in me, being there for me, he would tell me that if i will tell what we did he will lock me up, because no 1 will believe me,

this went on for a while, and I tried to get away but he will call me and masturbate over the phone until he was done,luckily we moved and we lost touch, yeah i thought I am free.but I was never free of all of what happend.
in high school I had a very close friend who became my" wank buddy" never in my life had i feel close to another person like with him, but we grew up, and thought it was only a fase we were going through.after grade 12 we never saw one another again.

so was it then did not have friends, not even a gf, but i was fine with me, as long as I can be alone, I am happy, years past nothing happened and never trusted anyone in my life who would be able to hurt me,
in that time I used to watch porn and fantasize, but found myself watching the men in the porn,which was a turn on for me,

then I met the most wonderful person who I love and wanted to spend the rest of my life with, we got married in Oct 2000, was the best thing that happened in my life, but the dark monster being attracted to men came out of hiding and I surf the net, found a couple of sites but, I cant get myself doing anything with them, rather chat and see how far I can go, so it happened that my wife caught me 3 times exchanging mail and bbm messages
every time i will tell myself it was the last time, but my trigger is a hairy man and every time I see a pic or something I forget about my promise, and start looking for a release

I feel guilty about it, and even writing this I feel a kind of release,just to know i shared this part of me with someone, i know its a lot but once i started it felt good, sorry for all the mistakes and long story

Mike

 

[Jay1946]

Mike:

You're not alone, and you're not the only one. I'm also married to a woman that I love dearly, and wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Yet, I can't shake the attraction of same sex internet porn.

Since I don't want to ruin my marriage I've tried to control the urges from two different angles. One is by following a 12 Step Spiritual process with other men in a telephonic group, and another by trying to find the roots of the attraction through therapy. The 12 step process has helped me a lot in controlling the behavior. The therapy has given me some insight as to the root of the attraction, but has not helped in reducing that attraction. So...it's a continuing battle. But, being proactive about it shows my wife that I do love her, and it has strengthened our marriage.

 

[Rustam]

Hi Mike,
Welcome to the site, glad you found us and as Jay said you are not alone, what you describe is pretty regular stuff here, we can understand.
Welcome again

 

[sorryson]

I have always had feelings for men who remind me of my abuser, tall with piercing eyes and wavy dark hair--I hate this part of me. My counselor and doctors say this is quite common to fantasize about the abuser and what he did. They told me that part of me found comfort with the abuser and felt love. I am still struggling with the thoughts of any part of me liking my abuser. They said some victims seek out and try to recreate what the abuser did so they could feel that closeness once again. They said this does not make one gay and that part of the mind is stuck in the abuse and does not know how to get unstuck. I get scared when I hear this from the counselor and doctors. They try to explain what happens to the brain when we are young and something like this happens. I get confused and reading what people wrote makes me feel sane.

 

[Nothing Man]

Hi Mike,

Isn't it strange that some of us survivors are drawn to same-sex porn. I don't understand it myself; while I know I would never want to have sex with another guy, why would I look at gay porn? This must be one of the legacies of our abuse when we were younger. It does not make us either gay or straight, but it does cause us to question our sexuality. You are most certainly not alone. I've been there too and understand it.

Interestingly enough, my urge to look at any porn at all went away (for the most part) once I started therapy. My therapist is an amazing fellow who specializes in male CSA survivors and his guidance seems to be changing my whole outlook toward life.

I wish you lots of peace, recovery and happiness.

 

[Bluedogone]

Hi Mike,

Welcome. I hope you find, as I have, some of the resources here that are helpful in dealing with the results of CSA (not the least of which is an unexplained SSA). Unfortunately, I have to add a "me too" as my reply. My marriage has been quite a bit longer than yours, but same symptoms, same attractions, same interest in internet porn sites. We have been able to deal with it in part because of a very understanding and loving wife and part because I was determined to have a victory over it. After all these years when I think this attraction is over and done with it seems to sneak back in when I least expect it, so it continues to be something I have to be continually aware of.

Sorry I don't have any quick easy one size fits all answer, but as you said, you've made important first steps. Good luck.

CJ

 

[alone01]

mike,

you are not alone.

bill

 

[pete1973]

Mike,
You are not alone, I share a lot of similarities but the big difference and I feel so alone because of it, both of my abusers were strangers to me but held a sense of power over me because the first was like a boss being a paperboy and he, well his mother, my customer and the second wanted to hire me at a gas bar but the interview led to me doing sexual things to him.
So I trigger differently when I see a man resembling both of my abusers, that being hairy penises, it makes me so mad and I keep myself well shaved to avoid seeing this and as much as I get aroused watching men in porn, not so much gay porn but seeing penises and even more so, ejaculation, if the guy is hairy I fast forward or lose my erection.