Just a bit of truth
Samson360
Registrant
Here is some truth. Today and all of last week have been very difficult for me. For about a week my two sisters have given me so much hell and for the most part they would bitch at me about past things and a lot of things I really didn't know what they were talking about. They just have such a tendency to come together and come against me when I'm I commit the littlest infraction. Which my older sister has just had it in bed that she was supposed to take care of me when my mother died, not that I couldn't take care of myself. Ever since I school I've had an interesting but at times a very difficult life. Getting on drugs and fighting the addiction most of my life on and off of them because I was trying my best to self medicate and perhaps even, no actually for a fact cover up my feelings of guilt, shame, zero self-worth and complete self-hatred. And it has all followed me all my life to this day. I will tell you that want my father put me through with his verbal abuse, convincing me as a little boy that I would not amount to anything, that I was just in the way and that I should never have been born. I can say that did more damage to my mentality than those things that my cousin did with me. At times I feel so angry because I will tell myself at my age how is it that my father's words can me even today? About five years ago I was in a very dark place until I finally reached out and started being involved in volunteering at the hand of hope ministry and meeting my now pastor Glenn invited me to church and I have also been going to a really good therapist, even though sometimes there are things she doesn't really understand and I have kept the molestation to myself. But what I'm saying is that I once had such a strong connection with God and I knew for a fact that he was with me every day. But that was then when I had got off the drugs and it was the happiest time of my life living in Kansas. But after I moved back to my hometown because I had to help take care of my parents and little did I know my brother moved away and he was the one that did everything around our property that needed being done so I had to take over, which I had to learn a lot about how to do things like fix cars or appliances or anything that need work. Then out of the blue my brother-in-law went to prison so I found that I had to take over as my nephews male role model. I began taking him to different churches until we found one that had really good people there. Also that is where I teached adult Sunday school. I pray to God every day, oh yes denying all this idea get back on drugs because I really believed I needed to keep up with all these things, I had absolutely no peace in my heart and was dealing with some very hard depression. I prayed to God every day for probably 10 years and after obviously realizing that for whatever reason he was paying me no attention so I began to resent God and to hate him. Both my parents died and I was left to live in the home and I was devastated because, and also just graduated so he didn't really need me as much. I realized I did not have a purpose anymore and that was hard to deal with. I mean I enjoyed and always have when people actually made me and depended on me but a bit so I felt lost. I was using drugs every day but I started going to Narcotics Anonymous hoping that would help but taking drugs and going to those meetings really makes well. So I thought that when I finally reached out and started volunteering, and the one good thing is when I was at the hand of hope I was able to get out of myself, out of my negative thinking because it was just so when I became concerned in helping others. And then being involved in a very loving church family and we did many things together and on top of that what I thought was right, which was to start therapy, I believed and I guess it was foolish to have believed it but I thought had the urge to use drugs would dissipate, I guess I thought God would somehow finally intervene. But he never did. So I was doing some really good things for others but at the same time condemning myself still having those feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred and sorts. On July 7 after I didn't think I could take it any longer I checked myself into someone of rehab plus it was a mental ward for 12 days because I couldn't take lying by omission to my church family and making them think that I really had it all together when I didn't. So for 12 days, a very interesting 12 days I didn't use any drugs. I was using Vicodin but really not much more than prescribed but also the first was I was taking Adderall which if you don't know is just a legal prescription for amphetamines. The day I came home, and I guess I already decided to, I took to Adderall and then started using them both for the next couple of weeks. But one day after I couldn't stand the guilt of my sabotaging myself as I have always did, I flushed the Adderall down the toilet. I actually went almost in without them for about 15 years that was the longest I ever went without an Adderall. It was rough to begin with because the opposite effect would be extreme fatigue and zero motivation and some more severe depression. And in a way I really food myself into believing that finally I would be able to live without the Adderall and I was beginning to feel somewhat better mentally and physically even though still very weak. One thing you got to understand is I am slowly losing my ability to stand and especially walk because of the CMT. The number one symptom of CMT is extreme fatigue and I and have had too many times where I have fallen on my ass or just into the doors because I can't balance good and the Adderall helped me with that so much. But the negative effects of the Adderall are just much handle. After as long as I have been using them I'm surprised, and they do cause it, but I haven't fell into psychosis but sometimes I feel maybe I'm inching towards that. After about a month without them I so foolishly decided to get another prescription and usually my sister has always held onto my medication so that I could take them right. This time I held onto the Adderall and have taken way too many since I got the field. So now I'm in a very bad depression feeling so very disgusted with myself and feeling a lot of anger towards my sabotaging when something good starts happening in my life and to be honest anger is really not something that happens with me, I just don't get angry, I am more of a passive person and pacemaker and I still have this thing that I go out of my way to not other people's feelings but I can be so brutal to myself and I don't fully understand that except when I continue to make the wrong choices that are bad for me. So I still have that worthless feeling and self-hatred but have become very good at causing the people in my church to think that I have it all together and that apparently they believe will say to me that I am a good person. I will do anything that my pastor Glenn asked me to do because he has done so much for me I totally feel obligated. The hardest thing I had to do in early July, though I had already emailed pastor Glenn and had once met with him in his office and I totally let it all out about everything that I was dealing with and I remember losing control and I began crying very hard, it actually was something that I had wanted to do for a long time, to cry and somehow it some of this mess in my mind go. So in July after I had fooled him into thinking I had stopped taking the pills, I can clean with him and his wife about everything and I really hated it because I didn't want to disappoint them or make them think of me differently. But they haven't me differently and all they have given me is support. But there is only so much one person can do for another. Right now after failing once again I've taken on this mindset, and I don't like it, but I don't think I care anymore about changing my ways or getting off the drugs yet again. I was just really rather ended all but I'm too much of a coward to take my own life even though I want to so much. I have really had enough and for my sister's knowing somewhat what I'm going through, for them to both comment me so incredibly mean words day after day for the past week really blows my mind because they have to know that it only enforced my belief that I am no good and that I must be some sort of a bad person after all. And in ending, there was a sexual molestation when I was nine years old, but I didn't mention much about it this time intentionally. Just wanted to get these things off my chest that I'm dealing with even to today. If you were able to read at all that I think you all. And again, as I'm trying to always say, always be good to yourself, which happens to be something I really need to work on.
