Jus me thinkin
reality2k4
Registrant
Lord, I sought you when I was a little boy.
Even when I thought you never listened to his plight, he prayed to the Holy Spirit to ask you for guidance in his life.
Was it you who picked me up? Or, was it the strength you seemed to give me then. I will not know in this life.
You gave me, a certain strength in life, not in brawn or muscle, but one of understanding and empathy for my fellow men.
In my soul, I am still that frightened little boy who would beg you in chapel, and then scurry off home to cry, before anybody saw his tears on his walk home.
I remember my fixation with mirrors, and how it came about, and yes, it is like the ugly duckling who tries to turn into a swan, but you let me know that it was not my mind that was ugly, but the ugliness that brought me to you.
Maybe those mirrors constantly reflected the hurt of my soul, or maybe they just reflected someone I did not really get to know.
All of my abusers surely pay for what they did to me, but you always tell me to forgive, and so I do, and then take the blame for their guilt in this life, which I don't think is so fair, but yes, I can forgive so much, because I have already done that.
Should I forgive my abusive brother who the family is siding with, as he vents venom for really no reason, or do I fight him, and up to now I have ignored him, and told him to not ever speak to me again.
Should I make his Christmas really good by sending him a letter to let him know just how much he mentally abused me, and also my father and siblings with his out of control anger?
He vents this anger to me, and then comes around the next day to try and talk, and yes, there is talking to be done, but only about his still abusive nature, which is alien to me, because sometimes he is all so friendly to me also.
I know that he is like this because he was first born, and sexual abuse that happened to me, meant that he was fiercely jealous that I became a favoured son of my parents, and he really whacked me for it.
He disowned me as a young boy, even when I begged him to not hurt me, he did it in front of everyone who knew me, including his own “friends”.
It is a fact that an overprotective parent can cause so much damage to the kid, as the parent starts to look after the damaged child while neglecting his other siblings, or so they feel.
I hated the overprotection of my dad, it made me just feel so different from my own brothers and sister, but yes, I was different, and I did not need this overprotectivness, but I did not know any better than what I was offered.
It just leads to feeling different to other kids, and I guess I just decided to break free from my family life.
I only understand this by listening to the things that go on today, with the younger members, who sadly are not visiting here any more.
I am sorry for the rant, but I never feel grounded at Christmas, as I use the feast to celebrate to spiritually be part of the real meaning, and that of the birth of a new born baby, and one who was special to the World, but denied his faith in humanity.
I guess it is just me, feeling so down sometimes on how society is today, and how vulnerable he can be, and just how may people will snipe at me for being vulnerable, so I mask it so well.
I have to do it, just to survive in a hostile World, but I am always conscious of it throughout life, which I suppose is wrong, but I real wish that my dreams come true, and I can get above these things,
Take care,
ste
Even when I thought you never listened to his plight, he prayed to the Holy Spirit to ask you for guidance in his life.
Was it you who picked me up? Or, was it the strength you seemed to give me then. I will not know in this life.
You gave me, a certain strength in life, not in brawn or muscle, but one of understanding and empathy for my fellow men.
In my soul, I am still that frightened little boy who would beg you in chapel, and then scurry off home to cry, before anybody saw his tears on his walk home.
I remember my fixation with mirrors, and how it came about, and yes, it is like the ugly duckling who tries to turn into a swan, but you let me know that it was not my mind that was ugly, but the ugliness that brought me to you.
Maybe those mirrors constantly reflected the hurt of my soul, or maybe they just reflected someone I did not really get to know.
All of my abusers surely pay for what they did to me, but you always tell me to forgive, and so I do, and then take the blame for their guilt in this life, which I don't think is so fair, but yes, I can forgive so much, because I have already done that.
Should I forgive my abusive brother who the family is siding with, as he vents venom for really no reason, or do I fight him, and up to now I have ignored him, and told him to not ever speak to me again.
Should I make his Christmas really good by sending him a letter to let him know just how much he mentally abused me, and also my father and siblings with his out of control anger?
He vents this anger to me, and then comes around the next day to try and talk, and yes, there is talking to be done, but only about his still abusive nature, which is alien to me, because sometimes he is all so friendly to me also.
I know that he is like this because he was first born, and sexual abuse that happened to me, meant that he was fiercely jealous that I became a favoured son of my parents, and he really whacked me for it.
He disowned me as a young boy, even when I begged him to not hurt me, he did it in front of everyone who knew me, including his own “friends”.
It is a fact that an overprotective parent can cause so much damage to the kid, as the parent starts to look after the damaged child while neglecting his other siblings, or so they feel.
I hated the overprotection of my dad, it made me just feel so different from my own brothers and sister, but yes, I was different, and I did not need this overprotectivness, but I did not know any better than what I was offered.
It just leads to feeling different to other kids, and I guess I just decided to break free from my family life.
I only understand this by listening to the things that go on today, with the younger members, who sadly are not visiting here any more.
I am sorry for the rant, but I never feel grounded at Christmas, as I use the feast to celebrate to spiritually be part of the real meaning, and that of the birth of a new born baby, and one who was special to the World, but denied his faith in humanity.
I guess it is just me, feeling so down sometimes on how society is today, and how vulnerable he can be, and just how may people will snipe at me for being vulnerable, so I mask it so well.
I have to do it, just to survive in a hostile World, but I am always conscious of it throughout life, which I suppose is wrong, but I real wish that my dreams come true, and I can get above these things,
Take care,
ste