Judgement?

[Leosha]

Does anyone else here ever feel that they are constantly under judgement of others? Maybe it is only me? Maybe I am so used to having people judge me, I see it where it is not. I feel constantly I am on watch of what I am doing, because I think people will see me very wrong. My girlfriend and I, in the time since I have been home from hospital, we have been having the 'up and downs'. I ask her yesterday, so, are you going to drop me now? She look at me like I am crazy. She tell me, yes, you are being a dork, you have been a dork since I meet you. It is nothing new. I hear that and feel some better, but then wonder how to not do wrong with her at all. I can not imagine anything in my life, any time in my life, when I am not doing something wrong. People see me, know me, think they know me, and still I think, what if they really knew me? Would they run away? Even the people who think they know me best, there is things they do not know. What would the judging be like then? I am probably worried of nothing, and being stupid. But as I am feeling better physically, I am feeling worse and more confused mentally. Why it has to be that way, I do not know.

Leosha

 

[The Dean]

It doesn't have to be that way. We too often allow other people to determine how we will see ourselves. We are who we are. We may have flaws that need fixing, and we may not be as virtuous as we can be. So those are things we work on. We can't be what every person wants us to be or we would be changing all the time and never be ourselves.

We ourselves, with help from some very close and reliable friends--which includes the insights of our therapists--and any mentor or guide we might have in life, can come to know who our authentic self really is. That self will have strengths and weaknesses that we develop and work on all our life. But it is ourself that we are, not some thing like a weather vane that changes everytime the wind blows.

In the end, we are the judges of ourselves that counts most. We have to be that judge after honest self reflection and input from those who love us most. But we really are the most important judges. If you believe in God, then of course God's judgement is also important. But you don't know that on this side.

Humans are humans because we are self-determining. We can determine who we will be and what we will do for the most part. We are the only animal that can do that--others can only be trained to do their masters will. We determine ourselves--at least that is my belief.

You are a terrific person as you are in my eyes. Room to improve, well maybe so but that does not negate the good that is genuinely there in you.

Bob

 

[outis]

Leosha,

That sounds a lot like something I wrote. I feel that I must have some "purpose," must "accomplish" something, or I am of no value to others. Value to myself, or the kind of instrinsic value that I see in others, does not apply to me.

It's a wrong belief. It comes upon me, maybe as an old, bad habit, without my thinking about it. I must be useful; I must not err. When I fail to meet that standard, I feel worthless. That is wrong. It will take work, but I am learning that people do not judge me against that standard of perfection. Not everyone is looking to see what "use" I have for them.

FWIW, I feel that people would reject me if they knew "the real me" but some people know me better than I realized, and still they do not reject me. If I figure that one out, I'll get back to you.

Thanks,

Joe

 

[Bill_1965]

The only person's judgement that matters is your own. But, don't be to hard on yourself. Nobody is perfect, nor close.

If they don't like you, it is their loss. They aren't worth your time. And definately not your effort.

Be you. Be true.

Take care,
Bill

 

[Archnut]

Trust my judgement. Thats a tough one

I start out with the right intentions but seem to loose it somewhere.

Does that sound right?

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

 

[LupinIII]

Leosha....first of all glad to see that your recovery is coming along.

Secondly, if you can, try not to project the negative tapes inserted by some sick f---s on to other people. Yes people will judge you, yes you will need to learn to let unhealthy criticism roll off your chin, but you do not need to drive yourself crazy thinking your girlfriend is going to leave you if there are no signs or conversations about that happening.

Some people will run away. In the past year I have had two close friends just turn their back on me with know warning or explanation. It does hurt, but life goes on and frankly why would you want people like thatin your life anyway?

You are a good man (in dire need of a big screen television..oh wait now I am projecting on you)and to hell with anyone who will just judge you because of things that are out of your control.