journey insights requested
theo
Registrant
gentlemen,
i do a lot of research on my own, but i think we all know that there are times when finding one's own answers will not suffice. i am 35, survivor, dealing with it on my own for the last year. i did have a therapist who was a godsend till february when i relocated. the memories started flooding back after a session involving image work. i was seeking therapy for the divorce that was still pending at the time. i have since learned that the incest started at three years old. there was much that i have learned from that initial flood last november, but the gist is the emerging memories of what we are all already familiar with. i have tried to find a suitable forum to learn from others and to tell my own story to help others in turn. i will tell more in time, but the current issue i have is one that i really need to come to terms with at this point in time of my journey.
i have been blessed with a woman whose love and understanding is truly unconditional. she has been with me from the beginning of the memory recall and has held me through the times i would leave or zone out. when my first marriage ended with the betrayal and abandonment of the one i thought was my soul mate i truly lost it for a long time. at that point, i had no clue of my own past. i went the route of alcohol abuse and became quite adept at managing to work while still recovering from the previous night's binge. one other thing i did was to surf for images. i had a very large collection. at times i would feel so filthy for having the collection i would delete it all, only to go back and rebuild it. after i was blessed with my real soul mate i was able to let it go (the collection) for good, till two months ago. that was when i was starting to get caught back up with the whole cycle again. it lasted for two weeks because it finally came out in the open and we have been dealing with it ever since. i never want to hurt her like i did when i told what i was doing. her pain will haunt me the rest of my life. in our relationship, there was no need for me to search out the stuff on the net because we have the best intimacy that a couple can be graced with, so the question arises, why did i do what i did? the answer was tied into my childhood abuse and the hell i went through right after the seperation. it was the anniversaries of the ex's betrayal, the loss of the son that was never mine that i desperately wanted (part of her betrayal, but i still loved the boy), the divorce being finalized and the finalizing of the loss of the son i called my own. all of these anniversaries were going on, and still are. this did not justify my betrayal of the woman i love now, but it was what was going on my soul at the time and now.
the question i have is simply this, with the real love that i have for my soul mate, why did i betray her as i did? it feels like a copout to say i was under the emotional influence of the anniversaries. am i twisted? am i like those who have hurt us as children? this is what i struggle with. my greatest fear is that in some way i am just like those who did this to us. intellectually, i know that my remorse is a sign that i am not like them, but in my heart and soul i cannot convince myself of it. i have not done anymore surfing, and will never do so again so long as i am in my right mind, but the question remains, am i some how like them?????
sorry for the long first post. i wanted to give the background so any who reply would have the info.
i do a lot of research on my own, but i think we all know that there are times when finding one's own answers will not suffice. i am 35, survivor, dealing with it on my own for the last year. i did have a therapist who was a godsend till february when i relocated. the memories started flooding back after a session involving image work. i was seeking therapy for the divorce that was still pending at the time. i have since learned that the incest started at three years old. there was much that i have learned from that initial flood last november, but the gist is the emerging memories of what we are all already familiar with. i have tried to find a suitable forum to learn from others and to tell my own story to help others in turn. i will tell more in time, but the current issue i have is one that i really need to come to terms with at this point in time of my journey.
i have been blessed with a woman whose love and understanding is truly unconditional. she has been with me from the beginning of the memory recall and has held me through the times i would leave or zone out. when my first marriage ended with the betrayal and abandonment of the one i thought was my soul mate i truly lost it for a long time. at that point, i had no clue of my own past. i went the route of alcohol abuse and became quite adept at managing to work while still recovering from the previous night's binge. one other thing i did was to surf for images. i had a very large collection. at times i would feel so filthy for having the collection i would delete it all, only to go back and rebuild it. after i was blessed with my real soul mate i was able to let it go (the collection) for good, till two months ago. that was when i was starting to get caught back up with the whole cycle again. it lasted for two weeks because it finally came out in the open and we have been dealing with it ever since. i never want to hurt her like i did when i told what i was doing. her pain will haunt me the rest of my life. in our relationship, there was no need for me to search out the stuff on the net because we have the best intimacy that a couple can be graced with, so the question arises, why did i do what i did? the answer was tied into my childhood abuse and the hell i went through right after the seperation. it was the anniversaries of the ex's betrayal, the loss of the son that was never mine that i desperately wanted (part of her betrayal, but i still loved the boy), the divorce being finalized and the finalizing of the loss of the son i called my own. all of these anniversaries were going on, and still are. this did not justify my betrayal of the woman i love now, but it was what was going on my soul at the time and now.
the question i have is simply this, with the real love that i have for my soul mate, why did i betray her as i did? it feels like a copout to say i was under the emotional influence of the anniversaries. am i twisted? am i like those who have hurt us as children? this is what i struggle with. my greatest fear is that in some way i am just like those who did this to us. intellectually, i know that my remorse is a sign that i am not like them, but in my heart and soul i cannot convince myself of it. i have not done anymore surfing, and will never do so again so long as i am in my right mind, but the question remains, am i some how like them?????
sorry for the long first post. i wanted to give the background so any who reply would have the info.
