Journal 1 (triggers?)

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Journal 1 (triggers?)
Originally posted by glaukos:
Journal 4 – Grabbing at Life
(dedicated to Jake & Donnie)

When I'm back screaming in my corner as if nothing changed I think the real Kevin died pinned down & sobbing in the dark a long time ago, & this is just the wreckage of what he could have been. But that's a cop-out. That's the dark saying yr not done with me yet. If there was no real Kevin left why do I love poetry & music & going fishing just to be in a beautiful place and listen to the water bubbling over the rocks? Why do I love my family? Why do I worry about a baby animal?

The truth is that once you make the first true grab to get back yr life yr not liberated, you discover how much you need help.
Click to expand...
Rembr the good things u lern tonite in chat. Wat carin for the calf means ;) Theres very real Kevin, he loves playin blues guitar, ritin poetry, being a good football player, he has a carin heart n took good care of calf that needed his help. Abuse hurt us but it not take away everthin, u love beauty, ur family , n carin for calf cuz ur a good person that cares. Abuse was never ur fault. Dont let the abuser win Kevin, keep figtin bak n be strong.think of the good things , it help push out the bad. beleve in urself, ur a good person. i beleve in u kevin , ur gonna be ok, n ya ;) it take time ;) , u kno i hate those words :) but it tru, give urself a break lil bro, from ur big bro jake
 
That for me was one of the most moving things i have read. I confronted one of my abusers last wekk but I have to say that you writing and handing that letter to your father took a great deal of courage and trust more so than my confrontation.

You have taken the hardest step, now its time to start healing ... ... and you will.

Take it slow, there is no race in recovery.

My best wishes to you

Kirk
 
Hiya Kirk,

Thnx 4 yr post. I read about u confronting that guy - the one who got out of jail yeah? I remember seeing him laughing & saying jail was cool & so what all the kids he hurt. I think its cool u got in his face :) . I could never have done that.

Kev
 
Journal 5 – Skytop

Actually, I am really mixed up about what to put in my journal today. A lot of things happened in the last few days I reckon. I learned a lot about myself and how Im dealing with bein a survivor I guess. Im learning maybe I shouldn't hate being Kevin, & maybe grownups arent to blame for everything. Mainly Im like hammered by the idea a girl actually likes me. Not as a friend. As a boy. I dunno.

So Journal, Im thinkin what should I put in you today? Somehow today I don't feel like I have to say anything with a lot of anger & stuff. I know I have a lot of that. This wasn't supposed to happen to me. Im supposed to be happy & innocent like Mike & Brian & Tommy & Billy. Im not supposed to know what its like 2 be a whore at the age of 12. But guess what. I shouted & argued up & down this site & like in the cleverest way I knew how I wanted the guys to see I know better – my abuser lied & lied & lied to me & I just took it – but now Im fightin back. Grownups r to blame. Its yr world. You were supposed to keep a place that's safe 4 kids. Listen to me!!!! Then I feel all the guys closin around me – Kev its ok. No its not ok – I dare you 2 fucking hate me as bad as I hate myself! Kev its okay, thanks for sharing. Get off me! Then I go to the poetry section & I see all the guys with poems I could never write – all the pain, all the horror, all the betrayal -- & kindness? A lot of sharing & stuff. I felt like a moron. I don't deserve to live. I look for my Dad.

Im at Skytop. Everybody in real Pennsylvania knows about it. You come up the road & around the top of the mountain & woooosh! Its amazing. The mountain just drops away & you can see for like miles & miles – all the mountains & valleys & everybodys farm & stuff. The villages are tiny & cars on the roads are dots moving like really slow. Dad calls it a panorama – im savin that word for when I bring Rebecca here. I know Dad likes this place & we came here to talk cos he can see Im kinda strung out & stuff. We stop & get out – crispy cold but its sunny today. I got the backpack with our dinner stuff & we head into the woods. I follow Dad – theres like no path at all but he knows where to go. Whats he gonna ask me? My boots crunch & smash in the old twigs & leaves & a deer freezes & checks us out. Dad isnt makin any sound at all – I cant figure out how he does that. We find a great place to eat – it's a rock sticking out & you can see forever from here. As usual I dare him to build a fire with no paper & one match & he does it – its blazing & soon were warm again. We talk about blues & which slide I like & is glass better than metal, & songs about Jackson Mississipi, Shannon Street & the bluebird & all that. I tell him about how like people want to save the Summers Hotel it was really big in the civil rights movement & even Aretha Franklin & BB King stayed there. Then Rebecca – yeah I like her but were not doin anything & today I taught her how to moonwalk. Cool. Hes funny – doesn't know what moonwalkin is. We talk about cool feedback on an electic guitar & which rocks – a Strat or a Les Paul. Our potatoes are almost cooked in the coals so we start with our hot dogs. Whats he gonna ask me? I forgot to bring ketchup. Wow he remembers Uncle Eddie playin mandolin ages ago. Heres a roll. He still hasnt asked me anything. Im really full & he says course yr full you scarfed all the hot dogs. Cool, I would have needed swear words 4 that. The fire is dying, my sweatshirt is smokey, & the sun is goin fast. I warm my hands on my hot chocolate. Hey play this one okay? Its open D. I tune up & wait 4 Dad. The whole valley is turning purple in front of me. My feet are hangin off the rock & over my boots the lights are twinkling in the mist. Dads arm is around me & im feelin heavy & droopy. Its just about us. I can hear the fire being put out & Dad gathering our stuff – Im so warm & sleepy. Back down the hill in the dark – Dads got me, how does he see? Car on the road & bouncing around. Were home & im makin my legs work on the stairs. My bed tells me hurry up & I totally dive in & its so warm. He didn't ask me anything. I was just an ordinary kid on Skytop. Maybe not ordinary. A safe ordinary kid.
 
Hiya kev,

yep just the ordinary kid, thats just who you are, hey, I am jealous, your dad, is so cool, your best mate and someone who you can be just be with.

You should be writing books, because you certainly have some way with writing in your journal, hey, the fire, and the way it so much brings so much into your life, and things you always remember, about your dad holding you close.

I hope you make something of your relationship with rebecca, you deserve it kev, hey, your journal is really an eye opener for me,

stay strong kev,

ste
 
that sound like a cool time with ur dad, ya kev, lot times u jus wantd to be jus kevin n u dad show u that u r , glad u had that time at that plaec, ur bro jake
 
Journal 6 – Hurt
(dedicated to ste)


Today after school I came home as usual kinda tense & trembly, like it was all okay & stuff, but Im always scared what will happen there. Like will I get in another fight or start crying in a class or see stuff again or what. Does anybody know, are they laughin behind my back whatever. Will I get called to a teacher again & them askin 4 the hundreth time whats wrong.

Then I got on line & say this post about hurt – what child abuse is all about & it's the worst crime. It was by a friend like he has done so much for me & somehow kept me going him & some guys here I dunno. He let it all out & just said it. Maybe that's what u have to do sometimes. It made me realize Im scared to say how bad I hurt, cos maybe it will sound like im just whining & whatever. So I guess this is just me getting a running start on a scary topic.

Hurt. Cut yr thumb. That's hurt. Its ok. Im at Terrys house, games, laughing, lot of fun. Its so cool we got allowed for me to sleep over so close to Christmas. Throwin pillows, chips & coke & popcorn all over. Shit, he spilled my CDs. Breathless – layin on the floor lookin at each other. Im so lucky to have a great friend like this. Were gonna be best friends forever. He needs a shower & hes off to the bathroom. Im down on the floor lookin for CDs & stuff. Shoes. I look up, its Mr M. Hiya! We were just…. Take off those jeans, ok? Huh? He sits on the bed & smiles. I smile back. Cool. Hes nice. Take off those jeans. Okay, like Im goin to bed soon as Terry gets back anyway. Hes touchin me & I don't get it. The rest is a fog. Grabbed, crying, alone, so alone, gagging, so scared, please stop, alone, I don't want to, fear, alone. It happens & im sick. I run downstairs into the dark. Blind terror. I wonder whats wrong with me Im shaking like a leaf. The new Kevin. He comes down & drags me out – its our secret, don't tell, threats, no one will believe me.

Should I do it. Theres nothin to live for. Everything about me is a lie. Im the filthiest kid in the world, a monster. Im gasping for breath in my room, hes babysitting for us again. Wondering will he come in this time, Im sweating & trembling. Door opens, yeah guess who. I let him come and go, just get it over with I guess. He tells me I like it & I believe him. Im too scared of my bed to stay there after he goes, back in the corner again. Trembling & sobbing. I cant stop. Open my eyes & its morning. Mom, Dad, my brothers, breakfast, sunny day, chores, weather good for the corn, did you check yr tires Kev. Im not here. My ears are roaring & my throat is tightening. I run back upstairs – I cant breathe – how will I do it. I cant. Brian & Tommy & Billy will never understand. I look in my mirror & realize I hate myself. Mumble something on my way out the door & jump on my bike. I don't know what day it is.

Hes here again. I don't even care anymore – its 4 years. I tell myself hes here but Im not. Hes smiling, hey Kevin, & I actually think maybe he wants to be nice. Smell of alcohol. Whys he pressing on my shoulders? I feel how little I am & hes bendin me around like a pretzel. Cant scream, cant make him stop, fire. What did I do wrong? Next day I can hardly walk. Im gonna bleed to death. Scared. I tell Uncle Eddie. Im in his arms & gaspin & cryin – he figures it out. Warm water, gentle hand but hurts so bad, Aunt Claire saying who did this to this child. What child. I don't know who I am. I feel nothing. I am nothing. Kevin is dead.

Fights, expelled, my fault, I liked it he said. School review, let back in, but every day a humiliation cos I lost a year. Stares, fights, detentions, suspensions. Alone. Everything about me is a lie, none of its real. Kevin whats wrong – nothing. LSD on a dare, falling down drunk. More fights. Alone. Scared. Kevin – whats wrong. Nothing. So alone. Im scared of sex & all the stuff that's happening to me. Is it because of him? Alone. Will any girl ever like me? Seeing things that arent there. It was my fault. Mike is scared – found me terrified in my corner. Days & months tumble past.

Theres two Kevins. Theres big Kevin, he wants to get better & have a life – ask Rebecca 2 the 10th grade dance & go to college & be a poet. How? No idea. Then theres little Kevin. He knows this will never happen. Big and little Kev hold each other – Big Kev searches for the words and Little Kevin waits to hear them. But no words come, just tears. This is hurt.
 
Journal 7 – A Good Weekend

Hi Journal,

I had a really cool weekend! The weather was great, & this girl I like I spent almost the whole weekend with her. I think about her all the time & will she like my hair this way or that way, & which sweatshirt will be cool, stuff like that. Sometimes I like don't even care what she says or does – its just nice to be with her I dunno. I told her that & she liked it a lot I think.

Yesterday we were walking down to the creek & it was totally hilaroious. We come over the hill on our way to the footbridge & theres my brother Tommy like totally soaked & sitting there fishing in his wet boxer shorts & all his clothes dripping in a tree. We're like huh? He jumped up when he heard us & Rebecca told him never mind shes seen more than that when her brother wears his speedos, so Tommy got really even more embarassesed cos hes 12. Whats goin on is that hes been tipping cows & so one of the cows got him back. He was bending over to get some kinda fishing thing out of his bag & a cow sees him like that so she pegs it on over & butts him into the creek. He was totally soaked so she must have thrown him good. Sometimes I think cows are amazing. Girls too. Rebecca just sat down like in this way she cant see anything & she asks Tommy about fishing & whats he trying to catch so it was cool. It was special she didn't want my brother to feel bad.

We were just chillin & shes talking about how shes making pizza that night, & Im like wow I love pizza, so I got invited over & I wasn't even makin a move (not that I got any moves). Mike reminded me to get cleaned up so I did that & went over there & took a gangster film to see after the pizza. Her dad touched me & I kinda jumped a bit & he was wondering cos he was just welcoming me, but it was okay in a sec. The pizza was really good with lotsa pepperoni & a bottle of Pepsi & I was so stuffed & we were flopped on the floor really close – that was nice. She touched my hand & I was holding it – don't know how I managed that - & we were even alone in the room. Me & Rebecca & the gangsters!!!

I invited her to come over today & she came. Mom told me I can bring Rebecca but there hafta be rules same as when Mike brings girls & we need to talk about that. That was embarassesing! We had a big picnic & Rebecca & her Mom & Dad & brother came over, but it wasn't as good as Saturday. It was mostly boys so we were messing around with the punching bag in the barn & talking about Penn State football & I don't think she was into that.

Anyway, it was a good weekend. I didn't think I would ever have a good weekend like this. But I did & I didn't think about who I really am hardly at all. It made me think about what guys here say about a roller coaster – good days & bad days. I don't want to get hopeful about anything cos what if it doesn't happen – & I cant believe I took Rebecca to see my punching bag. But I still had a great weekend.

Kev
 
hey Kev , glad u had a good weekend. My T told me wen i first startd to keep like a list tht i jus keep add to of good things thta go on in my life, even if they small. or jus things that r good or fun. then T say wen thm bad days hit read the things on the good list n it help push the bad stuff out ur head. this weeknd sound like it somethin u can put on a good list, maybe it will help u on a ruff day, ur bro jake
 
Kev, yeah, keep on the good stuff njoy life, it is yours to live, it is good n it is fun.
Cow tipping is dangerous tho, best they dont see ya do it, cos they get U back bigstyle. :D

ste
 
Hay Kev,

I know you do not know me but I just got done reading your journal posts and just wanted to say I am amazed at your strength and courage in taking the journey to becoming a survivor. I am going to send you a pm to give you more feedback on all that you wrote but for hear I just want to say that you are an incredable person and by doing this at least for me you give me strength and encouragement to be strong. Thank you my friend for that needed boost of strength.

malidin
 
Journal 8 – No title


Usually when I do my journal I just wing it yeah? I mean I just write and let it go like that & post it. But this time I was thinkin its different. I really made a totally big mistake & I disrespected a lot of people my family, friends everybody. Im not making excuses okay? It was wrong what I did & I know that now. So like whatever I say here its not to say not my fault cos it was my fault 100%. Same time, I dunno, I wasn't expecting it to be like this yeah?

Fuck! I don't understand any of this! I grind myself into the dirt where I belong. Im so sorry. Im begging for forgiveness from a world that isnt listening. I wish I was dead. No I don't. Im just totalled yeah? Wreck Kevin. Who will love me? No one…

Im like a slingshot yeah? Am I? Dunno. Im in a field – wow. Rabbits everywhere like millions of them. Cross the field – what a sunny day, cool. Over the mountain – I just want to throw myself in the grass & stop hating being me. Stop it!!!! Im just a fucking kid okay!!!! Get off me!!! I stop & cry I don't know why im crying. I only have this hoodie ok. If God loved me I wouldn't be so fucked up. I remember my dad wanting 2 tlk 2 the cops. Not a fuckin chance. Cops hurt me that's what they do. Hurt me but without sex. Oh Jesus Christ let me die. I'm fallin into stones & pebbles. Im alive.

Im holding pebbles in my hand as the world spins around. Yeah Kevin it's real. Am I? Hes there tellin me its real. I'm so hungry yeah let it be real. I don't want this im so hungry. Im cryin.

I jump up like im in a shelter & I jump up. I run away. Fuck – I run away. Im in a shelter & I run away. What day is it? Who cares. All of a sudden Im totally scared. All I know is I been wet since Thursday. Im with these people yeah? Black. Ok. Their tellin me hey & im welcome. Im on my knees – if they got a god & he saved me from stuff okay. Its gospel music like totally like blues & stuff. Im in a town - it has a name millheim so I know I not crazy…

Yeah right! Yr gonna tell me what I believe?
Oh my God – Don't let my brothers hate me.

Hey!
I am who I am –
Im Kevin.
 
Kev, your brothers love you, both at home and in here, your dad loves you and he cares.
None of this was ever your fault, but you blame it on yourself, just as we all do.
Yeah, its hard to get thru, it is even harder for a boy to say he has been raped, in front of cops, who just dont know what it means.
It is extremely humiliating to the boy, especially when people in authority deny it.
You write your journal the way it should be written, because it is the way it happened.
I think that the cops and people need to address the way they treat boys, but they dont know so much of the issues surrounding boyhood rape.
When the boy is seen as willing and stuff like that, it really freaks me out, get real cops, and the World, boys dont ask for it.
You didnt kev, so take the blame off yourself, and put it where it belongs.
I know that nothing or nobody seems to make sense of it, but I think the guys in here have some understanding.

you are never alone,

ste
 
Hello my friend,

As I read your 8th journal entry i can't help but wonder what exactly you feel like is your fault. I want to respond appropriatly to what you are feeling but I feel I can't without more details as to what is going on. I just want to know wheather you went and stole a piece of candy or wheather you are thinking that what happened to you was your fault. If you stole the candy (lol) then yes that would have been your fault but if you are talking about the abuse you endured then no, not in anyway at all was that your fault. You have no blame when it comes to the abuse that your perpetrator inflicted upon you.

malidin
 
Hiya Malidin,

I guess Journal 8 is just me freakin out. I ran away & it wasnt such a cool gig i reckon. It was great weather when i left but i got rained on the second day & wasnt dry after that. I got beat up in State College by this grownup he baited me & said stuff about my Mom, but then Saturday i was walkin down the road & there was this little church with cool music comin out from it so I sorta snuck up to see whats this. They were havin a choir practice & singing gospel songs & they saw me & invited me in & they were askin can a white boy sing so i showed them :=)!!!! They said a bad storm was comin so this guy & his wife they took me 2 their house in Millheim & i got a bath & all my stuff washed & something 2 eat. & they were right cos like the temperture went down 30 degrees in 1 day & it snowed. So dunno - like im thinkin what would i have done out on the road in the mountains with nothin to eat & noplace 2 stay & its snowing & im just in a hoodie & stuff. I guess i was really lucky.

Kev
 
Journal 9 – Therapist (against)


Dad & me had a talk about a lot of stuff today & I dunno – I guess it was good. Thing is everything is totally mixed up. I kinda had this idea like okay tell him & somehow everything would get fixed yeah? I guess I thot that cos that's how it is with everything else. Once Dad knows its automaticly better. Okay same with this – it was a lot better cos now im not alone & we can talk. But nothing got fixed. That sux.

So anyway journal, we were talkin & everything started comin back to whether or not I go to a counciler, okay a therapist. My T like everybody says. I don't want to & Dad said yeah he can see that & lets talk. He said write a journal page about all the reasons why not, & then a page why it's a good idea, then we can see what I said. So this is why not.

Mainly grownups don't care much about kids & thats not my screwed up opinion its a fact. When a grownup has a kid in front of him hes mainly thinking how can I trick this kid & get what I want. & if they don't get what they want they stomp u to bits or hurt u just 4 fun. Like my birthdad he would just get drunk & pound on me & Mike cos he could get away with it. Even people their job is to help, like doctors & nurses yeah? Forget it. They tell u just say what he did just tell us so u tell them, then u get sent back home & thrown down the stairs. Then u know its yr fault cos u believed them u moron. Even the nurses yr sittin there on that stupid cold metal table in yr boxers & all beat up & hes saying Kevin fell again & yr lookin right into the nurses eyes thinkin help me help me – they look away & send u back to get hammered all over again. & school is the same. They tell u just tell us what happened we will understand blah blah blah we want to help blah blah blah why the fights blah blah blah, then they expel u cos u believed them & u tried to start with some kinda truth 4 once. & cops don't even go there. Cops think every kid is a punk & they like smackin around somebody they outweigh by a hundred pounds. If a cop has a chance he like baits u yeah? Just waitin & meanwhile u don't even see it coming. So u get mad & get in his face & like a second later yr on the floor getting hit in places u didn't even know u could get hit there & twisted & slammed around.

Even if grownups don't stomp on u they still don't figure they got to respect u or anything. Like they know it all already so u can fuck off with whatever u think – yr just a kid. Nothing with a kid counts. U can tell a kid anything, promise anything, then just forget it. Hes only 12 what does he know. Hey u promised…sorry, when u grow up u will see blah blah blah. Whats totally weird is my family isnt like that yeah? But as soon as im off the farm its like im in a horror movie. Here on this site its cool 2 – I got a lot of friends & I dunno, I like people & they like me back. But its just the internet & anyway everybody here says don't do this or say that & stuff – like u cant trust anybody. Stuff like that.

If I see a therapist he will touch me & no way in a million yrs that's gonna happen. & anything I say he can do anything with it cos im just a kid & stupid & easy 2 trick. A therapist will figure out im a loser & what, a menace & raped when I was 12 & busted 4 drugs when I was 13 & stuff. He will see im fed up & too tired to care any more & I get sent to some place like garbage & never see my family again. I know I got big problems but thats how it is. Truth is I am a mess & a fuckup. A therapist he will like see thru me like a knife in butter & see everything I think or do is wrong. So okay, a therapist sounds cool but its kinda the same as suicide.
 
Big Kev,

Take it real slow with your T OK. When I saw mine last week and started to talk about you know who, she cautioned me to take it real real slow for my own sanity.

Just remember when we talk to our T we are in control of the conversation and if we don't like a ? they are asking, we have the right to say no or not yet. To me personally this the only control I have in my cahotic world and I intend to keep it.

(Big Jim)
 
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