Journal 6 – Hurt
(dedicated to ste)
Today after school I came home as usual kinda tense & trembly, like it was all okay & stuff, but Im always scared what will happen there. Like will I get in another fight or start crying in a class or see stuff again or what. Does anybody know, are they laughin behind my back whatever. Will I get called to a teacher again & them askin 4 the hundreth time whats wrong.
Then I got on line & say this post about hurt – what child abuse is all about & it's the worst crime. It was by a friend like he has done so much for me & somehow kept me going him & some guys here I dunno. He let it all out & just said it. Maybe that's what u have to do sometimes. It made me realize Im scared to say how bad I hurt, cos maybe it will sound like im just whining & whatever. So I guess this is just me getting a running start on a scary topic.
Hurt. Cut yr thumb. That's hurt. Its ok. Im at Terrys house, games, laughing, lot of fun. Its so cool we got allowed for me to sleep over so close to Christmas. Throwin pillows, chips & coke & popcorn all over. Shit, he spilled my CDs. Breathless – layin on the floor lookin at each other. Im so lucky to have a great friend like this. Were gonna be best friends forever. He needs a shower & hes off to the bathroom. Im down on the floor lookin for CDs & stuff. Shoes. I look up, its Mr M. Hiya! We were just…. Take off those jeans, ok? Huh? He sits on the bed & smiles. I smile back. Cool. Hes nice. Take off those jeans. Okay, like Im goin to bed soon as Terry gets back anyway. Hes touchin me & I don't get it. The rest is a fog. Grabbed, crying, alone, so alone, gagging, so scared, please stop, alone, I don't want to, fear, alone. It happens & im sick. I run downstairs into the dark. Blind terror. I wonder whats wrong with me Im shaking like a leaf. The new Kevin. He comes down & drags me out – its our secret, don't tell, threats, no one will believe me.
Should I do it. Theres nothin to live for. Everything about me is a lie. Im the filthiest kid in the world, a monster. Im gasping for breath in my room, hes babysitting for us again. Wondering will he come in this time, Im sweating & trembling. Door opens, yeah guess who. I let him come and go, just get it over with I guess. He tells me I like it & I believe him. Im too scared of my bed to stay there after he goes, back in the corner again. Trembling & sobbing. I cant stop. Open my eyes & its morning. Mom, Dad, my brothers, breakfast, sunny day, chores, weather good for the corn, did you check yr tires Kev. Im not here. My ears are roaring & my throat is tightening. I run back upstairs – I cant breathe – how will I do it. I cant. Brian & Tommy & Billy will never understand. I look in my mirror & realize I hate myself. Mumble something on my way out the door & jump on my bike. I don't know what day it is.
Hes here again. I don't even care anymore – its 4 years. I tell myself hes here but Im not. Hes smiling, hey Kevin, & I actually think maybe he wants to be nice. Smell of alcohol. Whys he pressing on my shoulders? I feel how little I am & hes bendin me around like a pretzel. Cant scream, cant make him stop, fire. What did I do wrong? Next day I can hardly walk. Im gonna bleed to death. Scared. I tell Uncle Eddie. Im in his arms & gaspin & cryin – he figures it out. Warm water, gentle hand but hurts so bad, Aunt Claire saying who did this to this child. What child. I don't know who I am. I feel nothing. I am nothing. Kevin is dead.
Fights, expelled, my fault, I liked it he said. School review, let back in, but every day a humiliation cos I lost a year. Stares, fights, detentions, suspensions. Alone. Everything about me is a lie, none of its real. Kevin whats wrong – nothing. LSD on a dare, falling down drunk. More fights. Alone. Scared. Kevin – whats wrong. Nothing. So alone. Im scared of sex & all the stuff that's happening to me. Is it because of him? Alone. Will any girl ever like me? Seeing things that arent there. It was my fault. Mike is scared – found me terrified in my corner. Days & months tumble past.
Theres two Kevins. Theres big Kevin, he wants to get better & have a life – ask Rebecca 2 the 10th grade dance & go to college & be a poet. How? No idea. Then theres little Kevin. He knows this will never happen. Big and little Kev hold each other – Big Kev searches for the words and Little Kevin waits to hear them. But no words come, just tears. This is hurt.