Journal 1 (triggers?)

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Journal 1 (triggers?)

Journal 1

I'm crying as I open the door. Dark. I'm shivery so bad I almost can't stand right. I tell myself its because it's cold but that's not true. It's the dark and the dark hates me & let's me get hurt & doesn't want me to do this. But I have the letter for Dad so I go in. The dark has its cruel cold fingers all over me like before but I am almost there so I keep going. I'm scared & I can't stop crying. I'm shaking Dad & then I get paniky & want to run back to my room but he's already awake. I can't see him through the dark but hes askin whats wrong. I cant talk. My throat is all tight & I cant breathe. I don't know what to say & I cant believe I did this to my family. What if he hates he? What happened to me doesn't happen to anybody else where we live. What if he doesn't believe me? Mr **** said no one would believe me & nobody would protect me. I can't do this. All the guys in the room were wrong – its just more grownup crap & make-believe & I'm the stupidest kid in the world. I'm ashamed & I wish I was dead. I'm just froze & trying to breathe. The dark is after me & has me cold by my feet. I'm scared.

But I have the letter. I wrote it myself it's all from me & it's true. I didn't have to write it but I did, cos its true. I didn't have to come here but I did, cos it's true. Dad's still asking me what's wrong, & is this about school. He's the best Dad in the world & here I am to ruin everything. But I can't face this without him. None of it will stop until I tell him: not the fights & trouble in school, not the crying for no reason, not the being terrified alone in my room, not the waking up in one of my hiding places, not the nightmares & seeing scary stuff. I'm not really here – I'm watching from outside me. There are some words: no it's not about school but can we talk right now. More words, but my mouth is dry & I can't hear them. He says of course & his hands are on me & he's asking am I okay. I jump cos I don't see the hands coming & I'm funny about being touched. The dark never misses a chance to hurt me. This isn't gonna work.

But I remember he said I can tell him anything. He's awake now, so nobody can hurt me in the dark. I can see the letter in my hand. Dad sees it and looks at me. All I have to do is give it to him. He's waiting. My arm moves through the dark & the letter is shaking in my hand – please help me. Dad's hand is on the letter & I feel it sliding away. The paper is cold. I could grab it back & run but I don't. I want him to know. I have always wanted him to know. Now he does. Nobody can hurt me now. I have just done the most important thing in my life.
 
glaukos,

you did a very courageous thing by telling your dad, he loves you, and he will be strong for you.

He now understands how you were in the past, and he is strong for you.

He loves and cares for you, and together you can make the best father/son relationship in the world.

Your path to healing has started, you have confronted the worst fear of telling your dad, but he will always be there for you, and he now understands the way his little boy must have been so frightened and scared,

I wish you well on your journey,

ste
 
You did really good, we all so proud of u being brave n ur Dad is bein cool. U kno that cuz we been talkin alot. Ur gonna be ok . n it will all get bettr, keep stayin strong, Jake
 
Glaukos - that's a really big step & must be a tremendous weight off your mind.

I wish you well ...Rik
 
Gloukos,

Young friend, you may not remember me, but I met you in the chat room for few afternoons several weeks ago. I have often wondered if you ever told your Dad about your abuse. I have remembered you many nights in my prayers. I'm glad you let your Dad know. You will get all the help you need now. You're a great kid with a great Dad. God bless you, buddy!
 
Hiya FlRich,

Yeah 4 sure I remember u. All you guys help me a lot I think, & 4 sure I would never have been able to tell my Dad if i didnt have a lot of support here. I want to say a lot more but sometimes I cant get the words out right thats all. But thnx.

Kev
 
Kev, you are the coolest kid on the planet, and you have the coolest dad.

I cried when I read what you did, I felt the cold and the dark, and I maybe remember how much the dark frightened me to hell.

Giving that letter to your dad, must have been agony, but hey, you did it, and your dad saw so much more in his son than he ever knew, he saw the hurt you have had to keep in silence, and he was so brilliant.

You have a great dad, and friend, nothing should keep a boy and his dad or family so apart from the natural love, he now knows your pain, and how much hurt you have been through.

I hurt just as we all do at seeing you go through this so raw, but it is great that you can take this giant step, and your dad now accepts your past.

It hurts me to the core, that you should have to keep this a secret, and live such a terrible life of silence and hurt. It hurts me more to think that I and others have to keep the ultimate shameful secret.

You have shown great courage, and hey, it worked,

ste
 
Journal 2 – My calf


Yesterday my calf was born, well, now it's my calf. Not a pet, Dad said, but my responsibility. I'm off school a few days cos my doctor says I need to calm down & rest. The weekend was sorta steep. So here comes my Dad and says he has a job for me. It's like that on a farm – there's always something to do.

This kinda thing is usually Mike's job cos he's older & he's used to all the gross stuff that happens when the little ones are born. The cow is sorta small back there where the baby is born & the calf was getting big inside, so Dad had to help the cow get started having her calf cos if the baby gets too big then it's a big problem for the mother (Kevin the biology expert) & a freak out for the calf. So I help getting the legs turned & all that & what a drama but all of a sudden it's over. What a mess, but the mother cleans everything up & soon there's a little white & brown calf showing on the straw. My calf. She's a girl. Wow. She's wet & stuff, but we check her & she's okay. It's really cool, but I'm glad I already had my lunch.

I'm wondering why Dad gave me this job – he's always doing stuff like that, giving me something to figure out & see if I get the point without lecturing or bossing. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I guess this time it's cos Dad wants me to do something useful & not keep thinking about problems & stressing out. Yeah, that's it.

I keep checking on my calf – she's dry now & really soft & pretty, & after awhile she's wobbling around & drinking a lot of milk. She's born early so we have to watch her, but she looks totally okay. It's cool like this – the barn is a really special place now, & every time I walk by I check her again. She likes getting scratched under her ears.

Today I hear her calling & I get a chill. Cows don't just moo & walk around, they have calls for different things. Like there's a call I need water, there's a call Ahhhh, sun & cool grass! There's a call Don't even think of coming over here with that dog. A danger call, stuff like that. Now my calf is calling & it's a kinda scared I need help call. I peg it to the barn & there she is. She's got her legs all wrong & flung out far apart every which way, & she's stuck standing in that position & wobbling. New calves fall over a lot, so they keep trying to figure out how to stay standing up – I don't blame her, I think it would suck to get born & discover I have four legs. Anyway, my calf is stuck cos she needs all four legs just to stand there like that & she knows if she moves any leg – flop, down she goes again. The mother is laying at the other end of the straw swishing her tail with this look on her face I am soooo not going over there to deal with this. Plus all she could do is come over & knock over my calf with her head – make it official. So I hold my calf around her tummy & get her legs right for her so she can walk She has a piece a straw in her eye & I get it out like Dad showed me. She's licking my hand & trying to suck on my thumb. Cool. She's really warm. I think we were there a long time. I'm glad I got this job.
 
I so glad 4 u Kevin. I sound like u havin fun n doin somethin u like. Keep it up. i no u do a great job. -donnie
 
Kev, I am glad you are having a well earned rest, and enjoying what you do.

It is so nice to see this calf brought into a new world, and you are looking after her, your dad obviously thinks you are up to the job.

You learn her cries, and respond to them, just like the mother would, it shows how much you really care.

I hope the sun shines where you are, and you have a good time, ;)

take care,

ste
 
Hiya ste,

I tried to pm u - guess u dont take them cos it didnt work. Thnx 4 yr posts.

Im goin back to school tomorrow & im scared about that, & im confused about everything i guess. But its cool takin care of my calf, she figured out she can run today but shes not as fast as me yet :)

Kev
 
Hi, Kev, I pm'd you and have cleared my box out so it should work now.

You will have a lot of confusion, but you have gotten over a major hurdle, in your life, I know it is not easy, but you will get there,

take care,

ste
 
Journal 3 – Confusion

Hi Journal,

I'm writing this in the barn with my calf. Last night I came in here late cos I was scared & I just sorta flopped down in the straw & thot okay now what. My calf looks over & shes deciding does she want to get up & come over here. She does. YES!!!! She always thinks I have something but tonight I don't. She leaves her mother to play & explore, then she runs back to eat, then she's tired, then shes up again. Its funny when she gets up cos she still hasn't figured out exactly how to stand up with all four legs at once, so it's a big deal when she tries to do it. Today I was checking her ears for mites & she sneezed on me. I know to watch out about that one but I forgot. So I got sneezed on by an animal with a runny nose & I had to go get a shower. Mom says she can wash my shirt & don't be silly, but I'm gonna give it to Tommy. Dad said soon it will be okay for my calf to go out in the pasture with her Mom, but she will still remember me & she'll come to the fence & stuff to see me. Its funny in the chat room. When I come in half the guys don't say hi anymore they just say moo. Cool.

I went to Tyrone with Dad today. He had to get some machine stuff & he had to see exactly which parts he needs cos on one of our machines the belt keeps going off its track 4 no reason. I was supposed to be back in school today but Dad needed me with him in Tyrone so I went. It was boring in the machine shop but we went to a restaurant to eat. I had spagetti in the middle of the day!

Okay – Im writing today cos somehow nothing makes sense anymore. Before I told my Dad I felt so bad & guilty & whatever it was. But at least that made sense. I thot if only I could tell him everything would be better, I guess that's what I thought. I didn't have any idea why I thot that, it was just I felt like a liar & not trusting him. But now he knows & that's cool but I don't feel any better. Maybe worse, cos now its not just me who knows. I feel funny in front of Mom & Dad. I know they want me to tell them exactly what happened but I cant. Its cool Im in Mikes room now but when bad things happen to me I feel ashamed it happened in front of Mike. I don't understand how I feel anymore. Like, I told Dad so he would fix everything I guess, but then he tries to fix everything & I don't like it. I came in here to get help but then I get cross when the grownups talk about healing. I want to do everything myself but today I didn't want to go to school cos I know Dad would be away 4 the day. He takes me & Im really happy yeah? but the whole time Im weirded out thinking what if he asks something. I like kids & I want to be a dad like my dad, but I can never be like him & Im scared I would hit my kids cos of all this cos I know lots of times abusers were victims when they were kids. I keep thinking I just want to be me but actually I don't like myself much. When Im alone Im scared cos Im alone, & when Im with people Im scared cos of that. Im confused cos Im scared & Im scared cos Im confused. So I dunno – Im glad I have my calf.
 
Kevin, I'm so glad u have a calf 2. i no what u mean by u sayin u confused alot. i that way 2. i hate being a lone but then i no like bein with people. when i alone i think someone mite come in n noone can help me N when i with people i fraid they no me N 'll say somethin or they mite touch me or take me way N noone care. My dad when i was growwin up from 2 to 9 alway's got drunk n beat me N other stuff. anyway, everyone say when i grow up i'd hit my kids N wife 2 N i never wanted any cuz i scared of it. N even today i so scared that that can happen. I real scared. i shakkin thinkin bout itt. but. K. sorry, anyway I been with wife N kids 6 years in July N i never once hit any of them. People say since i haven't yet, i won't. but i still no believe them. i fraidd n i maake reasons N stuff N now i scared bout others doin it. But i haven't. N i no i prob way over protective N i try not 2 be but i am. i wish i new how make iit go way but i dont. all tthat helps me is takin things as they ccome. no worry bout iit till it happens. if i worry bout it it jus makes whhole day bad. that what happen 2 mme on wed. n i had 2 take meds that make me tired n i on bed rest stuff, but i k. i ffigured out that if i stress on stuff then i think more n more n then i think worsse stuff n i go crazy. i no sayin u do that, i jus sayin that i do n it no good. u a real great, i wanna say kid but u no kid.. person, no. firend. there we go. i can no spell n i 2 lazy 2 backspace n if i backspace i end up erasin everythin. bad habbit. i think that when i write stuff it hurts people no help them, but i learnin jus 2 rite n post n leave. anyway, i blabbin. sorry. i no what u mean by wanning it all go away n i so sorry but i no u can get thu it. donnie
 
Donnie, hey you would never hit your kids, I would never hit a kid, and I dont really have any feeling of shouting at them unless they r real bad.

I am overprotective, just like you, and I dont want 2 be, but it is part of it, sometimes I spend so much time typing something and just delete it, just like you, maybe it is the meds, maybe the text dont really make any sense to me, so I dont post it.

And to Kev, hey, you will be as great a man as your dad, and he is the best, I just hope you are all OK, and I really mean it,

Peace and goodwill,

ste
 
Hiya Donnie,

4 sure you would never hit kids & sorry if i upset u & stuff its just that when I write in my journal I just let it go. It helps me & when i put it here i dunno - maybe its like sayin I have a right to be me?

Ste thnx a lot 2.

Kev
 
Journal 4 – Grabbing at Life
(dedicated to Jake & Donnie)


Hi Journal,

I been a bit creeped out talking to you like this, as if yr a person. But that is just because I am worried about what other people will think & that's what shut me up before. And why should I put you on here where others will see you? Maybe they thought I'm a lot cooler than I am, & now they will see I'm just ordinary & scared & lost. Maybe they will see I'm not getting anywhere really. I'm just struggling to stay in the same place & failing & dragging myself up to start all over again.

When I first wrote this page for my journal I had a lot of cool stuff here – about refusing to give up & nobody will stop me, Im gonna have my future. Yeah, cool. Big words. What a hero. Truth: I don't know what I want or who I am. When I told my Dad maybe I just wanted to say I did it. Do something, anything. All the guys here are so nice to me & encourage me, so maybe I wanted to deserve them. For sure I thought it would be like, I don't know, I was escaping from a burning house yeah? Tell him, tell him! That's what I thought. But now I'm in another burning house. I thought I would be free if I told but I'm not. I thought grownups were all talking crap about a road to healing & a path to recovery, words like that. I knew better – once I told my Dad everything would be okay. But I didn't know better – it isn't okay. I'm just scared about diffrent things & suddenly I'm in a world where I told the people most important to me the worst thing they could know about me. I'm naked 24/7. And I don't feel brave & stuff. Since I told its like the telling never stops, & I'm not in control. Like if I say I'm not gonna lie & hide anymore, it sounds so cool – wow. But what it really means is saying here I am, this is what I let him do – this is how weak I am, look at me. Im the proof for the existence of hell. You want me to get better but I'm not, it doesn't work that way. I want to do this but Im terrified & I don't know how. And maybe it's worse than the abuse yeah? Cos back then at least I had answers that got me through – my fault, nobody knows, I can't tell. But now whatever I know how to do, it isn't the answer & I know it. The truth didn't set me free. I thought daring the dark was one time, but it's all the time. The dark is just dark in diffrent ways.

When I'm back screaming in my corner as if nothing changed I think the real Kevin died pinned down & sobbing in the dark a long time ago, & this is just the wreckage of what he could have been. But that's a cop-out. That's the dark saying yr not done with me yet. If there was no real Kevin left why do I love poetry & music & going fishing just to be in a beautiful place and listen to the water bubbling over the rocks? Why do I love my family? Why do I worry about a baby animal?

The truth is that once you make the first true grab to get back yr life yr not liberated, you discover how much you need help.
 
Hey Kevin, Thank's. You did not upset me at all. None. The main reason i said that is 2 let u no that u no alone in thinkin that. i no deep deep deep down inside that i'd never hurt them but i can't bring it up 2 the surface yet. N i gree with u that it ur journal n u should rite anythin that u want. i no want u 2 stop. u doin real good. everythin u say so far i still goin thu. i guess that what i mean by sayin that age no mattr. N 2 i keep thinkin this a regular entry n not ur journal. i sorry 4 that. i glad u can post it. i finally started another journal gain n can't post it yettt, but maybe i get as far as u. u say that people think u stronger than u are n i no agree. u tellin what u feel n that take a lot. sometimes when i tell somethin things get worse but i do have 2 admit that it stopped more bad things from happinen. i no i can b a wreck sometimes but it has nothin 2 do from anyone here. the only thing u n jake n the people here do is listen n help me so much.i so proud of u n i think u a hero. -Donnie
 
Kev, the road thru this is bumpy, it is rocky, there are many hills and streams to cross, barriers to break.

You lose one burden than see another, each one that you come to becomes part of the past, the more you deal with the lighter the load.

The more you can talk and get things out, after four years of bottling all of this up, sure takes it out on you, physically and mentally, but it is good that you share.

It is good that you can still enjoy the beauty of life, and the love of your family, you are needed, and you have friends who care,

look after you, ;)

ste
 
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