Jimmy's Fall
Jimmy heard a dripping sound as his eyes tried to see what he could; it was total darkness. He knew he'd fallen down somewhere, deep, dark, cold. Afraid to move, he squinted, eyes adjusting to the darkness.
He felt the hard rock underneath his back, he was lying face up, now he could see, far up above a bit of light and some water driping downwards onto him. Cold water. Very cold. He tried to get up but couldn't move. Was he ok? He smelled something, rubbed his eyes again, fingers running over his nose, face. It hurt. His left eye was swollen shut.
How did he get here? Where exactly was he? Then the memories came back and he threw himself onto the rock moaning in pain. Rolling, twisting now onto the wet ground, he suddenly remembered.
Once again his father had come home drunk. Jimmy knew, as any 6 year old boy in this situation would know, exactly what he had to do to survive - he had to stay out of his father's way. Run, hide, do anything, but don't let him see you because then he will hit you and if you're lucky you may get away with just a few punches. If you're not lucky, well....Jimmy's angels know where the line is drawn.
Jimmy didn't realize his father was home already until it was too late. Jimmy was running his Tonka crane down the hallway when he came through the door. He was still wearing his army fatigues and just as Jimmy pushed his crane around the corner, his father's boot came into contact with the boot.
Jimmy knew what was coming. He tried to run. But he couldn't get away, it was too late. He had him. This time, the beating would be in the living room. Jimmy screamed for his mother. She didn't come, she couldn't come, otherwise she'd be a victim as well and she had Jimmy's younger brother and two sisters to watch over.
He's done this before she thought, Jimmy can take it, he'll be alright, he's a strong little boy.
Jimmy's father punched him in his left eye and Jimmy went limp. Jimmy really saw stars this time but now there was no more pain. Jimmy's mind went number, black, cold.
He picked Jimmy up, slung him over his shoulder like a sack of grain. Out the door and down the country road he walked. This time he would finish the job, Jimmy's father thought. As he staggered down the dirt road, almost dropping Jimmy, he started to whistle Dixie. Jimmy always knew when the whistling started it was gonna be bad.
Now Jimmy couldn't hear the whistling, or could he? Jimmy moanded. His father growled something incoherent.
Then he saw the goal in the moonlight. The old well. Dried out long ago, far enough from the road the no-one would hear Jimmy's cries. Jimmy's father stood over the well....then tossed.
He was already whistling Dixie and walking away before Jimmy hit the bottom of the old well. Done, finally, thought Jimmy's father. He'd wanted Jimmy's mother to have an abortion, but she wouldn't. He didn't want the marriage in the first place, but was forced into it by his Christian parents. It was the right thing to do in the eyes of God. It was God's will. He loved another woman, now he was trapped. Jimmy was the reason. Now he had to destroy that which stole his happiness, his freedom, his love.
No-one thought it strange that Jimmy's father never called him by his given name. Not Jim, not Jimmy not anything. The best thing he called Jimmy was BOY.
What was it that night when Jimmy was 3 months old, when he came home drunk, walked past Jimmy's bedroom, walked in, picked up the pillow to cover Jimmy's head. Why hadn't he been able to finish it. It would have been perfect. He felt something in the room. Something that frightened him to his core. As he picked up the pillow, two hands pulled him back and threw him on the floor, covering his face with the pillow. He was now helpless, drunk and being smothered by a pillow in his son's bedroom. The son that he hated with all his soul. Just as he gave up, the pillow loosened a bit, just enough to allow him to breath again.
The next thing Jimmy's father knew, he was in his bed, waking up to a tremendous headache and aching lungs. Was it a dream?
Now Jimmy looked up, feeling pain all over his body, remembering the punch. His face ached, he was cold and hungry.
Every sound that the well made, frightened Jimmy. His face and hands were muddy now from trying to find a way to crawl up. No use. This well was well made, maybe 100 years ago by skilled masons.
The day wore on and all Jimmy had that day and night was some muddy water to drink from the bottom of the well. It tasted good, it was cold. Jimmy felt a lump in his back pocket. He remembered the Kit Kat that he'd saved from last Halloween. His favorite and he'd found it the day before in his dresser drawer. Now it was his only food.
Darkeness fell. Jimmy fell asleep. It no longer mattered that he was afraid. It no longer mattered that he hurt. Jimmy started to give in. He'd already mastered the art of withholding his tears when he was 4 years old. Tears from a boy meant being a fag. Tears on a boy meant being a pussy, a wuss, weak. It only made his father beat him more. So when Jimmy didn't cry during the beatings, they weren't so bad any more. He didn't hit quite as hard any more.
When the beatings were over, Jimmy would retreat to his room, closing the door. He would go directly to his models of the Starship Enterprise. He loved Captain Kirk and Spock. He could retreat in his mind to a world of the USS Enterprise and there he would be a young recruit, top of his class working directly for Scotty in engineering. Admired by the Captain. He flew to distant planets during the long weekends when there was no school. If he got up early enough, he could sneak some tv, maybe Gilligan's Island or the Munster's (reruns).
By the third day, Jimmy was started to get so weak he couldn't even stand any more. The water wasn't enough any more. He knew it was morning, but it didn't matter any more. He knew he was going to die. So he sat himself in the corner where he'd found some dryness the night before, crouched down, then reclined on his side in a fetal position. Holding his arms around his shoulders to give himself as much warmth as he could, he fell asleep once again. Surely this would be the last time. If there was a God, maybe he'd have just a little mercy and take Jimmy.
He awoke suddenly to a strong THUD. Sitting up, trying to see what it was, his heart raced as it has never raced before. Looking over to the opposite stone wall, he made out the shape of another human figure. Jimmy hid his face and eyes in his hands. He didn't move an inch hoping that whatever or whoever had jumped down here wouldn't notice him. Hurt him.
"Jimmy....I'm over here, in the dark. I will hold your hand and be here with your through the cold and terror here, but Jimmy, when the rope falls down here, you must grab it, ok?"
"But how do I know you're not here to hurt me"? asked Jimmy.
"ok, I will back off and we can wait, if you want" said the stranger.
"Please don't leave me" Jimmy said.
"Never said I was gonna leave you" the stranger said.
"Ok, what are you going to do to me then?" asked Jimmy. "I'm going to stay here with you until you are ready to get out of here" said the stranger.
"why would you do that?" asked Jimmy. "Because I love you" said the stranger. "why?" asked Jimmy.
"Look in your hand, what do you see?" asked the stranger.
"a rope, why do I need a rope?" asked Jimmy. "This is your way out, Jimmy" said the stranger.
"but why would anyone want to pull me out of here" said Jimmy. "Sure they do, they threw the rope down, didn't they?" said the stranger. "Then the rope must be fore you!" Said Jimmy. "No, I've been down here before and know my way out. This rope is for you Jimmy, you must take the step and grab the rope. My friends above want to help you, but you must step up and grab the rope" said the stranger.
"But I'm afraid, can you please come with me? I'm afraid I will fall" said Jimmy. "Yes, I will be right behind you."
"No, I need to hold onto your back, I need to come up out of this well on your back because I cannot let them see me up there, I have to hide as soon as I'm up there" said Jimmy.
"Jimmy I am here to help you. I will do whatever you ask. Come, climb onto my back and I will carry you up out of here" said the stranger.
"I don't even know your name" said Jimmy. "I am Ludger and I am here to help you".
"Please don't let me fall, please don't leave me, please..." said Jimmy but before he could finish the sentence, Ludger said..."I will not leave you ever, I will not let you fall ever".
As they reached the top of the well and the sun grew bright, Jimmy hid his face in the small of Ludger's back.
Jimmy didn't want the people around the well to see him, so he hid his face deeply in Ludger's back.
As soon as Ludger had stepped over the edge of the well, Jimmy jumped off, holding his face and ran fast into the forest.
Ludger followed, grabbing a blanket from one of the men around the well. When he'd caught up to Jimmy, he wrapped the blanket around him, covering him completely. Holding him tightly, Jimmy began to feel warm finally. He was hungry now and very very tired.
Ludger said..."look Jimmy....look at the well, on the backs of the people there..do you see it"?
Jimmy peeked out of his blanket, then saw the wings. Tears rolled down his face. "Yes Jimmy, they are angels. Watch them now, they're turning into fireflies and disappearing in their own light."
"Wow", said Jimmy, "are you an angel?"
"No Jimmy, I am just a boy, I am just a little boy who loves you very much." said Ludger.
"why" said Jimmy?
"because you are an angel" said Ludger.
Jimmy thought for a moment underneath his blanket.
"here Jimmy, here is some warm chocolate milk" said Ludger. Jimmy sipped under his blanket, still hiding his face.
"I wish you could see and feel the sun. It is so warm" said Ludger. He reached out toward Jimmy's blanket, hoping his hand would be met by Jimmy's hand.
The blanket opened up a bit and Jimmy's small bruised had streched out into the sun.
Ludger reached out for Jimmy's hand, touched first the fingers, then the whole hand, rubbing, caressing, carefully, knowing that Jimmy would or could pull back at any moment. He rubbed Jimmy's hand gently, warmly. Jimmy wanted to pull back, knowing that any touch with a human must be met with pain. But for some reason he wanted desperately to trust Ludger. So he gave his hand to Ludger.
"Please don't hurt me" asked Jimmy. "I will never hurt you Jimmy, I love you." said Ludger.
Jimmy sees a butterfly land on Ludger's shoulder, it is beautiful. He looses his control for a moment watching the butterfly and lets the blanket fall from his head. He is now exposed.
Ludger looked at Jimmy now for the first time. Dark brown hair, cowlick, a few freckles and a muddy grimy face. Jimmy suddenly realizes that he's now exposed to Ludger....he lowers his head and starts to weep. This time, he weeps because he can. Is it ok? He is not sure and now his stomach hurts. Jimmy's tears now start to stream off his face and Ludger leans over and kisses his cheeks gently, wiping the tears from his face.
"If you trust me Jimmy, and if you are comfortable with it, you can come over here and sit in my arms, let me hold you and take your pain and lonliness away. Please Jimmy trust me".
Jimmy feels his head spin, he's now nauseas and weak. So much pain and suffering these last three days, and no food finally take it's toll on Jimmy.
Ludger wraps the blanket around Jimmy, holding him, caressing him, wiping the tears from Jimmy's face.
Jimmy sleeps. Ludger holds him and looks toward the well. He sees the fireflies around it, buzzing, sometimes diving into the well then coming up like kamakazzee pilots with no regard to where they are flyng.
Then they fly away and the only sound that Ludger hears is the crickets, an owl in the distance and Jimmy's breathing.
Jimmy curls up into Ludger's arms and begs..."please don't leave me".
Ludger watches as Jimmy falls......asleep.
"I will never leave you Jimmy".
He felt the hard rock underneath his back, he was lying face up, now he could see, far up above a bit of light and some water driping downwards onto him. Cold water. Very cold. He tried to get up but couldn't move. Was he ok? He smelled something, rubbed his eyes again, fingers running over his nose, face. It hurt. His left eye was swollen shut.
How did he get here? Where exactly was he? Then the memories came back and he threw himself onto the rock moaning in pain. Rolling, twisting now onto the wet ground, he suddenly remembered.
Once again his father had come home drunk. Jimmy knew, as any 6 year old boy in this situation would know, exactly what he had to do to survive - he had to stay out of his father's way. Run, hide, do anything, but don't let him see you because then he will hit you and if you're lucky you may get away with just a few punches. If you're not lucky, well....Jimmy's angels know where the line is drawn.
Jimmy didn't realize his father was home already until it was too late. Jimmy was running his Tonka crane down the hallway when he came through the door. He was still wearing his army fatigues and just as Jimmy pushed his crane around the corner, his father's boot came into contact with the boot.
Jimmy knew what was coming. He tried to run. But he couldn't get away, it was too late. He had him. This time, the beating would be in the living room. Jimmy screamed for his mother. She didn't come, she couldn't come, otherwise she'd be a victim as well and she had Jimmy's younger brother and two sisters to watch over.
He's done this before she thought, Jimmy can take it, he'll be alright, he's a strong little boy.
Jimmy's father punched him in his left eye and Jimmy went limp. Jimmy really saw stars this time but now there was no more pain. Jimmy's mind went number, black, cold.
He picked Jimmy up, slung him over his shoulder like a sack of grain. Out the door and down the country road he walked. This time he would finish the job, Jimmy's father thought. As he staggered down the dirt road, almost dropping Jimmy, he started to whistle Dixie. Jimmy always knew when the whistling started it was gonna be bad.
Now Jimmy couldn't hear the whistling, or could he? Jimmy moanded. His father growled something incoherent.
Then he saw the goal in the moonlight. The old well. Dried out long ago, far enough from the road the no-one would hear Jimmy's cries. Jimmy's father stood over the well....then tossed.
He was already whistling Dixie and walking away before Jimmy hit the bottom of the old well. Done, finally, thought Jimmy's father. He'd wanted Jimmy's mother to have an abortion, but she wouldn't. He didn't want the marriage in the first place, but was forced into it by his Christian parents. It was the right thing to do in the eyes of God. It was God's will. He loved another woman, now he was trapped. Jimmy was the reason. Now he had to destroy that which stole his happiness, his freedom, his love.
No-one thought it strange that Jimmy's father never called him by his given name. Not Jim, not Jimmy not anything. The best thing he called Jimmy was BOY.
What was it that night when Jimmy was 3 months old, when he came home drunk, walked past Jimmy's bedroom, walked in, picked up the pillow to cover Jimmy's head. Why hadn't he been able to finish it. It would have been perfect. He felt something in the room. Something that frightened him to his core. As he picked up the pillow, two hands pulled him back and threw him on the floor, covering his face with the pillow. He was now helpless, drunk and being smothered by a pillow in his son's bedroom. The son that he hated with all his soul. Just as he gave up, the pillow loosened a bit, just enough to allow him to breath again.
The next thing Jimmy's father knew, he was in his bed, waking up to a tremendous headache and aching lungs. Was it a dream?
Now Jimmy looked up, feeling pain all over his body, remembering the punch. His face ached, he was cold and hungry.
Every sound that the well made, frightened Jimmy. His face and hands were muddy now from trying to find a way to crawl up. No use. This well was well made, maybe 100 years ago by skilled masons.
The day wore on and all Jimmy had that day and night was some muddy water to drink from the bottom of the well. It tasted good, it was cold. Jimmy felt a lump in his back pocket. He remembered the Kit Kat that he'd saved from last Halloween. His favorite and he'd found it the day before in his dresser drawer. Now it was his only food.
Darkeness fell. Jimmy fell asleep. It no longer mattered that he was afraid. It no longer mattered that he hurt. Jimmy started to give in. He'd already mastered the art of withholding his tears when he was 4 years old. Tears from a boy meant being a fag. Tears on a boy meant being a pussy, a wuss, weak. It only made his father beat him more. So when Jimmy didn't cry during the beatings, they weren't so bad any more. He didn't hit quite as hard any more.
When the beatings were over, Jimmy would retreat to his room, closing the door. He would go directly to his models of the Starship Enterprise. He loved Captain Kirk and Spock. He could retreat in his mind to a world of the USS Enterprise and there he would be a young recruit, top of his class working directly for Scotty in engineering. Admired by the Captain. He flew to distant planets during the long weekends when there was no school. If he got up early enough, he could sneak some tv, maybe Gilligan's Island or the Munster's (reruns).
By the third day, Jimmy was started to get so weak he couldn't even stand any more. The water wasn't enough any more. He knew it was morning, but it didn't matter any more. He knew he was going to die. So he sat himself in the corner where he'd found some dryness the night before, crouched down, then reclined on his side in a fetal position. Holding his arms around his shoulders to give himself as much warmth as he could, he fell asleep once again. Surely this would be the last time. If there was a God, maybe he'd have just a little mercy and take Jimmy.
He awoke suddenly to a strong THUD. Sitting up, trying to see what it was, his heart raced as it has never raced before. Looking over to the opposite stone wall, he made out the shape of another human figure. Jimmy hid his face and eyes in his hands. He didn't move an inch hoping that whatever or whoever had jumped down here wouldn't notice him. Hurt him.
"Jimmy....I'm over here, in the dark. I will hold your hand and be here with your through the cold and terror here, but Jimmy, when the rope falls down here, you must grab it, ok?"
"But how do I know you're not here to hurt me"? asked Jimmy.
"ok, I will back off and we can wait, if you want" said the stranger.
"Please don't leave me" Jimmy said.
"Never said I was gonna leave you" the stranger said.
"Ok, what are you going to do to me then?" asked Jimmy. "I'm going to stay here with you until you are ready to get out of here" said the stranger.
"why would you do that?" asked Jimmy. "Because I love you" said the stranger. "why?" asked Jimmy.
"Look in your hand, what do you see?" asked the stranger.
"a rope, why do I need a rope?" asked Jimmy. "This is your way out, Jimmy" said the stranger.
"but why would anyone want to pull me out of here" said Jimmy. "Sure they do, they threw the rope down, didn't they?" said the stranger. "Then the rope must be fore you!" Said Jimmy. "No, I've been down here before and know my way out. This rope is for you Jimmy, you must take the step and grab the rope. My friends above want to help you, but you must step up and grab the rope" said the stranger.
"But I'm afraid, can you please come with me? I'm afraid I will fall" said Jimmy. "Yes, I will be right behind you."
"No, I need to hold onto your back, I need to come up out of this well on your back because I cannot let them see me up there, I have to hide as soon as I'm up there" said Jimmy.
"Jimmy I am here to help you. I will do whatever you ask. Come, climb onto my back and I will carry you up out of here" said the stranger.
"I don't even know your name" said Jimmy. "I am Ludger and I am here to help you".
"Please don't let me fall, please don't leave me, please..." said Jimmy but before he could finish the sentence, Ludger said..."I will not leave you ever, I will not let you fall ever".
As they reached the top of the well and the sun grew bright, Jimmy hid his face in the small of Ludger's back.
Jimmy didn't want the people around the well to see him, so he hid his face deeply in Ludger's back.
As soon as Ludger had stepped over the edge of the well, Jimmy jumped off, holding his face and ran fast into the forest.
Ludger followed, grabbing a blanket from one of the men around the well. When he'd caught up to Jimmy, he wrapped the blanket around him, covering him completely. Holding him tightly, Jimmy began to feel warm finally. He was hungry now and very very tired.
Ludger said..."look Jimmy....look at the well, on the backs of the people there..do you see it"?
Jimmy peeked out of his blanket, then saw the wings. Tears rolled down his face. "Yes Jimmy, they are angels. Watch them now, they're turning into fireflies and disappearing in their own light."
"Wow", said Jimmy, "are you an angel?"
"No Jimmy, I am just a boy, I am just a little boy who loves you very much." said Ludger.
"why" said Jimmy?
"because you are an angel" said Ludger.
Jimmy thought for a moment underneath his blanket.
"here Jimmy, here is some warm chocolate milk" said Ludger. Jimmy sipped under his blanket, still hiding his face.
"I wish you could see and feel the sun. It is so warm" said Ludger. He reached out toward Jimmy's blanket, hoping his hand would be met by Jimmy's hand.
The blanket opened up a bit and Jimmy's small bruised had streched out into the sun.
Ludger reached out for Jimmy's hand, touched first the fingers, then the whole hand, rubbing, caressing, carefully, knowing that Jimmy would or could pull back at any moment. He rubbed Jimmy's hand gently, warmly. Jimmy wanted to pull back, knowing that any touch with a human must be met with pain. But for some reason he wanted desperately to trust Ludger. So he gave his hand to Ludger.
"Please don't hurt me" asked Jimmy. "I will never hurt you Jimmy, I love you." said Ludger.
Jimmy sees a butterfly land on Ludger's shoulder, it is beautiful. He looses his control for a moment watching the butterfly and lets the blanket fall from his head. He is now exposed.
Ludger looked at Jimmy now for the first time. Dark brown hair, cowlick, a few freckles and a muddy grimy face. Jimmy suddenly realizes that he's now exposed to Ludger....he lowers his head and starts to weep. This time, he weeps because he can. Is it ok? He is not sure and now his stomach hurts. Jimmy's tears now start to stream off his face and Ludger leans over and kisses his cheeks gently, wiping the tears from his face.
"If you trust me Jimmy, and if you are comfortable with it, you can come over here and sit in my arms, let me hold you and take your pain and lonliness away. Please Jimmy trust me".
Jimmy feels his head spin, he's now nauseas and weak. So much pain and suffering these last three days, and no food finally take it's toll on Jimmy.
Ludger wraps the blanket around Jimmy, holding him, caressing him, wiping the tears from Jimmy's face.
Jimmy sleeps. Ludger holds him and looks toward the well. He sees the fireflies around it, buzzing, sometimes diving into the well then coming up like kamakazzee pilots with no regard to where they are flyng.
Then they fly away and the only sound that Ludger hears is the crickets, an owl in the distance and Jimmy's breathing.
Jimmy curls up into Ludger's arms and begs..."please don't leave me".
Ludger watches as Jimmy falls......asleep.
"I will never leave you Jimmy".
He wanted to be a snowflake. Then he could fall, settle on the ground and finally melt after some time