Jimmy, I never forgot what you did to me.
***TRIGGERS***
@C.E. (Chase Eric) suggested in a reply to to his post Finding the hate in my heart that I write to Jimmy. He’s dead. I want to put it out in the universe. I don’t want to derail Chase’s post. I just want to say these things.
Jimmy,
I never had the balls to tell you I never forgot what you did to me. I don’t know if you do. But you jumped me from the tree in front of Central School. You pinned me and rubbed your fucking dick in my face. In front of all the other kids. In front of Terri!
Why didn’t I ever tell you?
I was ashamed of not just “losing” but being ashamed of the shame. I couldn’t stand the idea of you knowing how much it hurt me. How much it damaged me. How much it changed my life. To let you know would have been more vulnerable than I ever wanted to be near you.
And it was selfish. Because long after I understood all you were doing was repeating something that was done to you, I stayed silent. And even after I called myself on being gleeful at your repeated downfalls, I didn’t think of reaching out to you.
And I regret it. I am sorry I didn’t let you know I forgave you. I forgive you Jimmy. I don’t know who did what to you. But I know you aren’t a psychopath who figured that out on your own. I am so sorry your life was as hard as it was. None of it was necessary. No one deserves whatever it was, not even the boy I tried to hate for too long.
I sincerely hope you are at peace now.
Brian
@C.E. (Chase Eric) suggested in a reply to to his post Finding the hate in my heart that I write to Jimmy. He’s dead. I want to put it out in the universe. I don’t want to derail Chase’s post. I just want to say these things.
Jimmy,
I never had the balls to tell you I never forgot what you did to me. I don’t know if you do. But you jumped me from the tree in front of Central School. You pinned me and rubbed your fucking dick in my face. In front of all the other kids. In front of Terri!
Why didn’t I ever tell you?
I was ashamed of not just “losing” but being ashamed of the shame. I couldn’t stand the idea of you knowing how much it hurt me. How much it damaged me. How much it changed my life. To let you know would have been more vulnerable than I ever wanted to be near you.
And it was selfish. Because long after I understood all you were doing was repeating something that was done to you, I stayed silent. And even after I called myself on being gleeful at your repeated downfalls, I didn’t think of reaching out to you.
And I regret it. I am sorry I didn’t let you know I forgave you. I forgive you Jimmy. I don’t know who did what to you. But I know you aren’t a psychopath who figured that out on your own. I am so sorry your life was as hard as it was. None of it was necessary. No one deserves whatever it was, not even the boy I tried to hate for too long.
I sincerely hope you are at peace now.
Brian
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