Jibberish from a mind long gone...
Jibberish from a mind long gone...
- Thread starterBuddy75
- Start date
ForeverFighting
Registrant
Buddy, that's not jibberish. When I first heard someone talk about the possibility of sexual abuse being in our family, I remember sitting by my wife and rocking back and forth crying, Nothing happened to me, nothing happened to me, nothing.... I had worked so hard to keep this buried that when it started to come out, it was like the rug had been pulled out from underneath my entire life. Sometimes now, years later, when some new reality about my life before 20 becomes clear, it feels like the rug is going again like the first time.
I am so sorry for your pain. It hurts inside me to see you having to go through this much like I did at the beginning. I know we've talked about medication before and therapy. Dude, we cannot go through this much pain alone and without help. It is not wise, and I'm not sure I would have even made it. Please write here as much as you can. Please try again with a different therapist--finding a therapist is almost as difficult as finding a wife, but it is possible to find one who can help.
Hang in there, please. When the truth bursts forth and we see how contaminated the people around us were and the dust settles a bit, what you have is a good man who is still a good man trying unbelievably hard to survive and find the life that can still be, despite everything behind you. There will be time for forgiving or not forgiving next year or 10 years from now. For now, just rest, sleep, reward yourself, and heal.
Michael
I am so sorry for your pain. It hurts inside me to see you having to go through this much like I did at the beginning. I know we've talked about medication before and therapy. Dude, we cannot go through this much pain alone and without help. It is not wise, and I'm not sure I would have even made it. Please write here as much as you can. Please try again with a different therapist--finding a therapist is almost as difficult as finding a wife, but it is possible to find one who can help.
Hang in there, please. When the truth bursts forth and we see how contaminated the people around us were and the dust settles a bit, what you have is a good man who is still a good man trying unbelievably hard to survive and find the life that can still be, despite everything behind you. There will be time for forgiving or not forgiving next year or 10 years from now. For now, just rest, sleep, reward yourself, and heal.
Michael
Oh my friend, not gibberish at all, its just that pain has its own language and people who have lived through it speak it much better. Heres a point I want to pick up on, there is NO special healing properties in forgiveness. Is it part of your journey? Perhaps, but you cant skip to get there. You will arrive at that place when you are ready to get there. There is a misnomer among Christians that you "must forgive". But you cant MAKE yourself do that and it certainly wont take the place of the hard work of recovery. Your stream of consciousness sounds so familiar because it is much like my own and a lot of other men on this site. The best advice I can give you is two fold, keep talking and consider finding a good therapist. Know that the guys here are concerned and if you have questions or need to talk,we are here.
Every journey begins somewhere and it seems you have started yours.
Zookeeper-Brian
Every journey begins somewhere and it seems you have started yours.
Zookeeper-Brian
Buddy75
What you wrote is from the heart, your emotions and challenges you are facing today. That is far from gibberish. You are taking steps to identify the issue and releasing the pain and hurt that you buried for so long. Your questions about kindhearted people is so true. I know I gave and gave until I could no longer and at the same time I learned there was little appreciation for the long trips for activities, the 5 am drives, the late night pickups, the birthday celebration and streamer hanging to make their day a little more special, being there when others were not--all forgotten only remembering what I did not do. They forget the torment and how PTSD and dissociation work-driving me to another world. You need to take care of yourself first--you need to recognize you are good and kind without being the one who sacrifices and gives all the time. Your helping yourself will allow you to see your value, clearly others do not and take advantage of you. Do not let them push you to the edge, you are a valuable person.
I always become concerned when someone writes they are thinking of ending their life. Why, I have been there and have rebounded. I was there for several reasons, people who I gave turned, people who took and expected more turned, people who tormented and continued to torment with lies and stories without mention of the torment (they think abandoning someone, locking some in a room, spitting on someone, scream in group form at someone, telling someone they are useless all the while knowing one cannot sleep--never asking why as I began to become further lost in the mind of my inner child and another world to escape the pain and memories. They do not see this as torment but rather kind and humane treatment of a person) they caused pushing the PTSD and dissociation and removing any sense of self worth I had. I thought of it several times, I even walked to the place I envisioned and saw my lifeless body. I was rescued because someone was there and asked what I was doing there. Fear set in. Another time I was standing high up looking down imaging my self floating to the ground and it would be over. For some reason I saw the abuser and those that tormented me laughing at me in my head. I said I am too good for them, they are not going to destroy me with their evil and demented actions and words. I would rise again. The thoughts did not end, a wonderful group of people came to rescue me, a group who have lived more in life than those that tormented me, a group who have seen poverty, the ravages of war, the plight of children caught in cultural history. They know the mind of a child is damaged from trauma and CSA. I had doctor friends who opened their minds to trauma, one who works in the field. I met people who suffered PTSD from war. I began to understand I was not alone and doing for others comes from the heart but also requires reciprocation. I had not received that from my blood family but found a "family" of people who knew how to give understanding and love. I learned to give back.
Today those thoughts are no longer with me, I want life and to live. I have received validation and substantiation of the abuse, I have a wonderful supporter in the Diocese in which my story began, I am happy. Yes I do struggle to rebuild, I have bad moments but I am giving to myself, loving myself. You need to do that for yourself. Do not give to those that do not give to you something so simple--love, a thank you or sign of appreciation. I have not given to someone who needs help and played a role in my near demise. His gang all say I am wrong instead of saying this person needs help and what he did was wrong. You appear to have many of the same challenges I faced.
I never told my parents, but my father suspected after a discussion we had as I drove him home from dialysis. He said at the end if it did he was here for me. I never told him and when I was ready he was gone. My mother lingered 13 days in a nonresponsive state before she passed--she fought. An aid who took care of her previously came to see her during this time. The aid said you are Kevin and your Mom worried so much because something happened to you as a child and she was not there. I think my Dad must have shared his thoughts with her. I then knew I had to tell my Mom and the next day she left us, no longer struggling, she was at peace.
You have people who care for you, who are here for you. Please lean on us, share with us, we see your words for the meaning they carry. Continue to speak and stand for yourself.
You do not need to get drunk, you need to take care of yourself first and foremost
We are here for you. Thank you for sharing your meaningful words and thoughts. They helped me to reflect on my life and the need to always remember where I was and how some people saved me, including those at MS.
Kevin
What you wrote is from the heart, your emotions and challenges you are facing today. That is far from gibberish. You are taking steps to identify the issue and releasing the pain and hurt that you buried for so long. Your questions about kindhearted people is so true. I know I gave and gave until I could no longer and at the same time I learned there was little appreciation for the long trips for activities, the 5 am drives, the late night pickups, the birthday celebration and streamer hanging to make their day a little more special, being there when others were not--all forgotten only remembering what I did not do. They forget the torment and how PTSD and dissociation work-driving me to another world. You need to take care of yourself first--you need to recognize you are good and kind without being the one who sacrifices and gives all the time. Your helping yourself will allow you to see your value, clearly others do not and take advantage of you. Do not let them push you to the edge, you are a valuable person.
I always become concerned when someone writes they are thinking of ending their life. Why, I have been there and have rebounded. I was there for several reasons, people who I gave turned, people who took and expected more turned, people who tormented and continued to torment with lies and stories without mention of the torment (they think abandoning someone, locking some in a room, spitting on someone, scream in group form at someone, telling someone they are useless all the while knowing one cannot sleep--never asking why as I began to become further lost in the mind of my inner child and another world to escape the pain and memories. They do not see this as torment but rather kind and humane treatment of a person) they caused pushing the PTSD and dissociation and removing any sense of self worth I had. I thought of it several times, I even walked to the place I envisioned and saw my lifeless body. I was rescued because someone was there and asked what I was doing there. Fear set in. Another time I was standing high up looking down imaging my self floating to the ground and it would be over. For some reason I saw the abuser and those that tormented me laughing at me in my head. I said I am too good for them, they are not going to destroy me with their evil and demented actions and words. I would rise again. The thoughts did not end, a wonderful group of people came to rescue me, a group who have lived more in life than those that tormented me, a group who have seen poverty, the ravages of war, the plight of children caught in cultural history. They know the mind of a child is damaged from trauma and CSA. I had doctor friends who opened their minds to trauma, one who works in the field. I met people who suffered PTSD from war. I began to understand I was not alone and doing for others comes from the heart but also requires reciprocation. I had not received that from my blood family but found a "family" of people who knew how to give understanding and love. I learned to give back.
Today those thoughts are no longer with me, I want life and to live. I have received validation and substantiation of the abuse, I have a wonderful supporter in the Diocese in which my story began, I am happy. Yes I do struggle to rebuild, I have bad moments but I am giving to myself, loving myself. You need to do that for yourself. Do not give to those that do not give to you something so simple--love, a thank you or sign of appreciation. I have not given to someone who needs help and played a role in my near demise. His gang all say I am wrong instead of saying this person needs help and what he did was wrong. You appear to have many of the same challenges I faced.
I never told my parents, but my father suspected after a discussion we had as I drove him home from dialysis. He said at the end if it did he was here for me. I never told him and when I was ready he was gone. My mother lingered 13 days in a nonresponsive state before she passed--she fought. An aid who took care of her previously came to see her during this time. The aid said you are Kevin and your Mom worried so much because something happened to you as a child and she was not there. I think my Dad must have shared his thoughts with her. I then knew I had to tell my Mom and the next day she left us, no longer struggling, she was at peace.
You have people who care for you, who are here for you. Please lean on us, share with us, we see your words for the meaning they carry. Continue to speak and stand for yourself.
You do not need to get drunk, you need to take care of yourself first and foremost
We are here for you. Thank you for sharing your meaningful words and thoughts. They helped me to reflect on my life and the need to always remember where I was and how some people saved me, including those at MS.
Kevin
ForeverFighting
Registrant
Alex, I feel how much you hurt. I am so sorry. I know that feeling too well of seeing absolutely no choices. That's what my therapist calls the "freeze response". When it seems there is no way out, we just freeze. It's biological. I can't tell you how many times I have strained to remember what hope is.
My therapist starts asking me questions about what choices I really do have. And trust me, I am no therapist. I'm just wondering what she would ask. If your parents can't be alone, and you can't deal with it anymore, is there another choice? Would a doctor agree that they need some kind of home health or assisted living? You can't die for them, Alex. Someone, somewhere in your family needs to somehow begin taking responsibility for themselves. And if that is your parents not having you to fall back on and having to rely on what Medicare or whatever will do for them, you need to be free. You need a choice, no matter how insensitive that might seem to the people who never gave you a choice. I am contemplating this scenario with my own parents, and trust me, they'll go to a home or somewhere before they ruin what's left of my life, too.
I don't even know if that's one of the choices, but that's what a therapist helps me with. When the next-door neighbor guy leans over his fence and yells profanities at me and I freeze, my therapist says, "Can you call 911?" Yes, I could. She helps me think outside the box when it seems there is no outside of this box.
I am beginning to see, through your story, mine, and so many others, how it utterly destroys our lives as boys to have to take the place of the caretaker in the family. You had to do the unthinkable. Hearing you talk about "Alex" as being that other person sounds very much like what goes on in my mind. I have wondered to myself if that also comes from being completely blocked from being our real selves back then because we were too busy helping others. I feel for you, Alex. I worry about your lost time, too. That is emotional desperation past anything I have experienced in 20 years. This 911 is for Alex. You first. Family 2nd or maybe even a distant last place until you are OK.
As another choice, if you have insurance, 20 years ago (that I mentioned above) I was hospitalized for feeling a measure of what you are now. I have to say, that was the most wonderful break from my life and pressures I have ever had. No one was allowed to visit me. They fed me. They figured out my medication. It was quiet. And for just a little while, I felt peace. As Kevin said, it's serious for Alex. If Alex needs a doctor or a vacation or Xanax or choices or hope or for your parents to be taken care of by someone else, take drastic measures and give that to him, OK? I have to say, I'm worried about you, Buddy. Please check in and keep us posted.
Michael
My therapist starts asking me questions about what choices I really do have. And trust me, I am no therapist. I'm just wondering what she would ask. If your parents can't be alone, and you can't deal with it anymore, is there another choice? Would a doctor agree that they need some kind of home health or assisted living? You can't die for them, Alex. Someone, somewhere in your family needs to somehow begin taking responsibility for themselves. And if that is your parents not having you to fall back on and having to rely on what Medicare or whatever will do for them, you need to be free. You need a choice, no matter how insensitive that might seem to the people who never gave you a choice. I am contemplating this scenario with my own parents, and trust me, they'll go to a home or somewhere before they ruin what's left of my life, too.
I don't even know if that's one of the choices, but that's what a therapist helps me with. When the next-door neighbor guy leans over his fence and yells profanities at me and I freeze, my therapist says, "Can you call 911?" Yes, I could. She helps me think outside the box when it seems there is no outside of this box.
I am beginning to see, through your story, mine, and so many others, how it utterly destroys our lives as boys to have to take the place of the caretaker in the family. You had to do the unthinkable. Hearing you talk about "Alex" as being that other person sounds very much like what goes on in my mind. I have wondered to myself if that also comes from being completely blocked from being our real selves back then because we were too busy helping others. I feel for you, Alex. I worry about your lost time, too. That is emotional desperation past anything I have experienced in 20 years. This 911 is for Alex. You first. Family 2nd or maybe even a distant last place until you are OK.
As another choice, if you have insurance, 20 years ago (that I mentioned above) I was hospitalized for feeling a measure of what you are now. I have to say, that was the most wonderful break from my life and pressures I have ever had. No one was allowed to visit me. They fed me. They figured out my medication. It was quiet. And for just a little while, I felt peace. As Kevin said, it's serious for Alex. If Alex needs a doctor or a vacation or Xanax or choices or hope or for your parents to be taken care of by someone else, take drastic measures and give that to him, OK? I have to say, I'm worried about you, Buddy. Please check in and keep us posted.
Michael
