Jealousy

[Caetel]

Dear all !

In my previous post "the worse was yet to come" I told you about V's trying to sabotage our relationship and having an affair with a girl we know.
Lately, I have met a nice guy through "msn dates". I had put up my photo in Sept. just for fun after breaking up with V. I did not bother to erae it after a while. Anyway, this guy, R. saw my picture and picked me because he thought I am sexy ! lol ! And well, he is a survivor too ! He only recently started to deal with the memories so I helped him a lot. Through me he discovered www.inceste.org and he came to our usual Saturday evening reunions last week. I kind of suspected he was falling in love with me and it seems that he did ! He clearly showed he liked me and that he was around me. V looked very uncomfortable because he feels ashamed of what he has done but also clearly because I was with someone else.
Today I got confirmation of what I supsected. He is very jealous of R. (he told a friend) and he thinks R is very good looking. I told R that there is NO way I could fall in love with him and I did not want him to act like we were in love. He said we are just friends but I don't believe him. My only concern is for V right now.
I am happy in a way because V's jealousy shows me that he cares but I don't really know what to do or not do to reassure him. Sometimes I think he needed that kick in the but but I don't know if he is confident enough to deal with it and make a move towards me.
I'd like to have your opinion about this. I would be especially interested to have the opinion of the guys here about this kind of jealousy (because he clearly did not expect me to be jealous of the girl he slept with and since he said he has no feelings for me and we have broken up why should he care anyway ?).
Please help with your comments. I am anxious to know. All I could do yesterday was to reply to a request he had on the website; He was looking for a place where to use a computer and the internet for free. I told him he could come to my place while I am at work and I would give him a set of keys to get in.
What do you think ?
Thank you !

Caro

 

[tschirret]

Hello Caetel,

Could you elaborate on your last message? the way I read it is as a question about relationships in general (does s/he love me? does s/he even know that s/he loves me? does this action show x or y?). It would help me if you could clarify how you see V's recent actions linked to the fact that he is an SA survivor.
It is obvious that you care deeply for him, have done so for a long time, and are hurting from his present lack of commitment to you. You have given him many opportunities to get close to you and you have been disappointed. So, I am afraid that if he does not take you up on your suggestion that he use your computer, you are going to be crushed again. You need to take care of yourself and to consider that sexual abuse might not be the explanation for all of V's actions. (PM me if you feel like it)
Take care, MN

 

[SAR]

Caro,

Have you ever really believed V. when he said that he had no feelings for you? Or have you believed that he was saying that to sabotage something that made him afraid? If it has been fear all this time that keeps him from getting close to you, and now you are getting close to someone else, then that's just more fear. Yes, sometimes the real prospect of losing someone close to him will make a guy take stock of the situation and decide to "deal with it and make a move". But if that is really happening here with R., there are better ways to tell him that he may really be losing you. And if it isn't really happening here, then is it fair to use the situation with this guy to push V. into making a move? And if V. is feeling pushed, is that the same thing as having more confidence?

This pushing business (what you called "a kick in the butt") has been on my mind lately because I think that sometimes survivors do "test" their loved ones, put them in tough situations just to see if they'll rise to the occasion. And sometimes because survivors are most comfortable being hurt, they "set up" the people around them in situations where there is actually no right solution. I think you should examine this situation with V. and see if either of you is trying to "set up" the other one, trying to get the other one to meet the negative expectations you have internalized about your relationships with others.

as always Caro I hope you are as concerned about yourself as you are for others.

peace
Sar

 

[Caetel]

I have had a tough morning today; I have written to R. to let him know how I feel and what I don't like about him, pretending we are a couple. I have asked him not to phone me anymore and I have blocked his msn account.
I have decided to take distances also with V who is in a complete mess with his life and I don't want to be trapped in the dirty little games he wants to play or get me into.
I decided not to go to the next reunion and concentrate on my work and my internship in Canada.
I am not proud of myself either because I let things happen and recently I was far too much concerned by my ego.
I apologize for all the whinning !
Thank you all for getting me back in the right track.
Much love
Caro

 

[ak]

You say that this other person has fallen in love with you. You seem excited that someone is jealous over you. Your only concern is for the one person. Both these men are survivors. Maybe I read this wrong, but I read it bad. It sounds like you playing games with these men, and use one survivor to bring up emotion in the other. I do not know you. But I think this whole thing wrong. Andrei

 

[PAS]

Good decision to stay away from both guys.

You dont owe V anything.

You can care for him and all of that but he betrayed you, and be sympathetic to his SA issues, etc... BUT no matter the reason why he betrayed you and that is not acceptable.. unless he has a) acknowledged it b) agreed to never do it again c) committed himself to you again and d) agreed to get help/counselling.

Both you and I come from abuse backgrounds - you will have to learn as I have that this type of behaviour that you are engaging in is normal or healthy. This is not a good foundation for a secure, happy future in love.

If one of these guys are meant to be let it happen in its own time. It never works to try and force anything. You have to figure out why you want to have a relatioship with someone who cheats - and that has NOTHING to do with SA or V or anything.. it has to do with YOU.

Re: relationships, anything worthwhile and meaningful has to percolate and plod along in its own time at its own pace.. under God's plan, on God's timeline, not ours.

Dont rush or push anything in love.

Dont continue to seek out people to rescue.

Thats not your job.

P