I've told her

I've told her
M

MM

Registrant
Ive talked to her, I dont know how I could do it, but I did. It was killing me inside; I had to share it with her, even tough I knew it would hurt her so much. Shes the only one I can talk with, but now I cant even look in her eyes. I was feeling my heart so heavy, and after we talked, I was so relieved that she didnt judge me, she stayed by my side, an said she loved me above everything but at the same time, now that she knows more about me, I have this strange feeling in my chest, I cant bare looking in her eyes.

I couldnt share with her everything which is inside me, there are so many other horrible things I did it doesnt matter I was being abused; I am the one who did them. I know that shed understand and accept, but I wouldnt be able to look in her eyes again, ever. Some things are better when keep buried deep down. I dont know if somebody can relate to what I mean, but its not easy to show your worst part to a person you love. I cant stop thinking she loves so much because she doesnt know everything yet.

I spent almost the whole night on the bathroom, crying and feeling that my head would explode I was almost dieing, and then she just appeared on my door and hugged me and said everything would be OK, and I just couldnt keep it anymore. I told her about my orgasms with him when I was older, some things I did, Ive tried to explain her why I didnt stop them, because in the last years I was stronger than they, I wasnt even living with them anymore, but I really dont know the answers she was very understanding, but I wonder what she really thinks of me

Ive been reading all your posts and I really appreciate them, but everybody keeps telling me to get a therapist and thats something I really dont want to do. How can I talk to a completely strange and expect him to understand me and help me? I almost couldnt talk with my gf and shes the most important thing in my life those kinds of feelings are supposed to be shared with people you trust.

I never made love to anybody in my whole life, after Ive left the US and the abuse stopped, I never had sex again I want her to be the first one, the only one weve talked about that too, its something that I really want to do, but I just cant do it for some reason. Thats making me crazy, how could I do it during the abuse, even enjoy it and have pleasure, and not be able to do with the woman I love? We decided we wont try it for some time anymore, in fact she asked me that and I agreed because I don want to cause her more pain.

Its so strange, I never talked about my abuse to anybody, and after I met her, in the first month she already knew about it, but I couldnt tell her about my part on it, it was like a story I was telling her, she never knew my real feelings about it. I know that I have to be brave and talk to her about everything in my past, Ive been reading the posts about you guys disclosing your lives to your wives I know that I wont be able to go on with those secrets inside me, I never thought that it would be so difficult, but I dont want to have secrets with her anymore. I want to ask her to move in with me, but I have to do that first, I cant fool her anymore.
 
a very brave step, MM. the funny thing is, as you open up more and more about what happened, over time the shame of it fades. after a while i managed to share it with several others. not in the depth i have w/my wife or my doc, but i have told others. i am not ashamed of it. i was abused, i was raped, i was confused, angry and depressed. i have nothing to be ashamed of, and neither do you. i hope someday you realize that.

when you are sexualized as a child, in the years that follows, acting all that out is normal. the ones who should feel the shame and guilt are the ones who raped and abused you.

how do you talk to a therapist, a stranger? to me, i went through the door saying to my self this is something i have to do if i want to get better, and the more honest and open i am the quicker it will be over. i reminded my self that he was there to help, and that he has heard all sorts of screwed up things in his office. i was only another patient to him. he neither knew me personally, nor would he care to live in my world. he was a tool, a pawn in the game of healing. i used him for his knowledge of the mind, for the drugs he could give and the tools he could teach me.

your shame will fade, and you will again look at your wife. in the end, you will be stronger both as a person, and as a couple. nothing breeds love and intimacy like sharing pain together. i hope and pray someday you can make love with her. it is the greatest gift two can give one another, and it is a fantastic thing.

i would also hold off on adding more to the pot. moving in together involves living with each other, and that is a whole range of pressure you might not want now. get the truth out there, so there is nothing standing between you two, and allow yourselves to continue to grow. when the time is right, she will be there. you'll find love is stronger than you could ever imagine.

God bless,
jeff
 
MM
You're making the right moves my friend.

You've told your girlfriend some more, and she didn't run away screaming, in fact it seems to have had the opposite effect. She loves you, not what the abuse has done to you, but the man you really are.

It's just a flood of emotions when you tell someone, and it's going to last a few days possibly. But then you'll begin to feel as though the great wight thats held you down has got lighter.
Sharing your secret, destroys it. Eases the burden on you.
And although it's good and right to be worried about the person you tell it's unlikely to crush them. They just take a part of your pain each time, and if they're ok they deal with it in the ways we can't ( yet, but you will ) so although it can be deeply upsetting to listen to us describing our abuse and how we feel, those people we trust enough to tell are able to cope with it better than we can. They learned, through growing up 'normally' the things we didn't.
So keep sharing your pain a bit at a time, it eases your pain but doesn't always crush the listener.
They'll let you know when to stop, that's for sure.

Ive been reading all your posts and I really appreciate them, but everybody keeps telling me to get a therapist and thats something I really dont want to do. How can I talk to a completely strange and expect him to understand me and help me? I almost couldnt talk with my gf and shes the most important thing in my life those kinds of feelings are supposed to be shared with people you trust.
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Which neatly leads on to this, and I hope I'm not pushing this too much. I just feel it's important. Tell me to shut up if I've said enough already.

What you've said about telling your girlfriend, and what I've described above about lifting the weight of the pain, sharing the pain etc; is "therapy"

A good therapist is someone you learn to trust, so then you begin to feel able to share everything. It takes time for sure, but eventually I had no secrets at all from my therapist.
And they are trained to cope with the possible overload of pain they share with their clients. Each therapist should have "Supervision" where they go to another therapist and unload some of their burden. It's still confidential, supervision is just unloading the problems in general terms. Your story isn't being spread around the country.

But that's the advantage, they are trained to do deal with it, a good one will have experience to pass onto you, and they are not directly involved with you, so they can be far more focused and objective.

He had no magic answers or cures either, all he did was encourage me to explore my ideas fully. I thought I'd been doing that by tryine to 'cure' myself, and trying to forget, for 31 years.
All I did on my own was go around in circles, trying the same home spun cure for the same misjudged problems. It didn't work one bit.

My therapist however challenged some of my ideas, made me think at the problem from a different angle, discard some ideas, teased new ideas from within me, and validated the good ideas and thinking.

I had the answers, not him. And you have your own answers, that I promise you.
But I do believe we are too blinkered to find them without the right help.

The therapist should be utterly non-judgemental. They should never put you down for what you've done. Nobody should do that, they don't understand the reasons you did what you did, only you know that. But you need to understand the reasons behind your actions.
The chances are you believe it was your fault, or a big part of it was your fault. And no matter how you look at it the evidence you have confirms that.
You had an erection, you had an orgasm, you didn't resist.

On that evidence you seem to be right, some fault lies with you.
But I disagree 100% - look at that evidence with wide open eyes and mind and from all angles.
Like Thad has said earlier, the vibrations of a motorbike can give you an erection, it's a sensory responce to stimulation, and orgasm is an extension of that. Rape victims often feel physical pleasure responces, and it's as confusing as hell to us.

You didn't resist because your will was broken at a very early age, way before you could possibly resist on any level. And as you got older and bigger, even though you could have resisted and fought them off, that will to do so remained shattered. You were doing what you were taught to do.

And as you explore these different aspects in more depth the truth reveals itself, and the truth is on your side. Don't be scared of it.

What you've experienced in the last few days is extremely intense and is likely to ease off.
When it does you'll begin to think far more objectively about your situation.

You're doing ok MM, stay with it.

Dave
 
MM
You have taken a big step. It took me 3 years to finally tell it all. There was so much pain in speaking the words. I had lied, covered up and denied that there was more. My wife asked me to leave 3 years ago after finding I was looking at gay porn on the computer for some time. I could not explain, the more I covered up the deeper was the hole I was digging. Cry, I refilled Lake Superior I think, I was miserable, she was miserable, my children were a mess. (all grown)
I am finally at peace in my own mind that "there is no more" I recently told my wife all there was to tell namely that I had been raped, and I had acted out with another man, something I have denied for 9 years. It was the hardest thing I ever did but when I was finished, I felt and still do feel free.
The awful, sad, look on my wifes face as I told her is still in my mind, I wanted to hold her, tell her I love her so much but I think all I could say is how sorry I was for all the pain I caused her and the damage I had done to our marriage. Had I told her all of this 3 years ago, I don't know that either of us could have handled it. It was only through reading, councilling etc that I have been able to recall all of the abuse as awful as it was, I don't think had I remembered it all back then that I could have spoken the words.
My wife made a post on May 9 under Family and
Friends called the Wall, read her words they may help you understand what she was going through because of my denial, lies, etc.
I wish you courage in your struggle, you are lucky that your wife is supportive of your efforts. Mine was (and is) I feel in her own way, had she just jumped in and said, I forgive you, I love you, I don't think that I could have gotten as far as I am today. I had to work out all the details to the point that I could say the words, write the words without the anger, hate at what the abuse had done to my life and to that of the people I love.
A councillor is a professional, educated individual who is non judgemental and there to help. Use this person to help you get strength. There are many good books out there today, read them, cry, read some more, cry, get it out. Hug your wife, tell her how much you love her and say Thanks for her support. Please don't make the same mistakes I did by clamming up, and not telling the truth.
Come back often, the road is indeed full of rocks, some are harder than others to move but, it can be done.
Bob
 
I've told her
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YES!

MM,

You took a big, huge, tremendous step. Congratulations! It's great news that your girlfriend responded so positively. I think part of you did know that she would not reject you, but the fears, once they take root, are hard to weed out.

I dont know if somebody can relate to what I mean, but its not easy to show your worst part to a person you love.
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Dude, if there's anyplace in the world to find people who can relate, this is it.

Congratulations. Pat yourself on the back. Bask in the glow of your accomplishment. You cracked the wall of silence that might have ruined your relationship if you let it. Later you can come back and chip away at that crack some more until you tear down the whole damn wall.

Wow, just watching you do this lightens my heart. It is so great to see you making this progress and opening yourself up to the love your girlfriend offers. It's much more than sex. Sex by itself is mere physical activity, biologically preprogrammed stimulus and response. What you two will share is absolutely glorious.

Read some more around here when you get a chance. There are guys who can relate. If you're like me, you'll stumble on examples of guys telling parts of your life story in their words. We do have so much in common as we live with the sexual abuse and its effects.

But take some time for yourself and your girlfriend to be happy. You have such a close bond that you can share something so deeply personal and she accepts you for who you are. Shallow people might reject us for what happened to us. Your girlfriend, and your relationship with her, are jewels.

Thanks for bringing such good news today.

Joe
 
MM. What you have done is totally awesome. You have broken the vice of silence that was forced upon you by your perp. Remeber that was done to shut you up to protect him and not you. You have carried it with you all by yourself and that is a terrible burden.

You have let your girlfriend it where no one has been allowed since your SA. Why? Because if you let someone in there was an awful fear of pain again and rejection. It did not happen.

Heed what LLoyd says about a therapist. They can help. No cannot tell another person. Well you have told your GF and us. With each telling the fear diminishes and the need to heal rises.

MM I married my wife when I was 26 years old and just 4 years off the street as a male prostitute. Circumstances put me there after my SA when I was 16-17 ( and earlier I have found out). I waited until I was almost 60 years of age to tell her and my 22 year old daughter. I was so scared. They got really mad at me. Mad for not telling them so they could help. Your GF sounds like a loving and caring person. She loves you for who you are MM and that is a powerful love. You are not being rejected as damaged goods.

Sex is not the be all and end all to a relationship MM; important yes but not the whole. The love that you and your GF share is one of caring sharing and giving without expectation.

Just relax with her and share your hopes and aspirations for the future. As time passes you will finally refuse to let the past influence the future and it is there that you will be spending the rest of your life.

Now take a deep breath and relax and be gentle with yourself. It is hard to do but boy it is worth it.

We are all so proud of you for what you have done and sharing with us gives us strength too.
 
Thanks for the support, it really has helping me a lot. I have to tell you that the only reason I first came here was because my gf asked me to, and I was afraid of losing her if I didnt. But its good to know I can talk about whatever I want without any judgment of you.

Those last days were really emotional, it seems Im crying all the time but its not been all aches and pains, and even when it is, I feel much better afterwards. Every time I talk to her, I feel so much relief, that Im not so alone. It has helped a great deal, I usually have a hard time talking about the abuse, but she doesn't pressure me at all, she has been great.

But there are so many other things I dont want to talk to her, and Ive decided to put them on paper, to write about my history and what I feel and fear I think it would be a good way to let those things get out of my chest, but when I get to the words that mention what they actually did to me, I just shudder in horror. I would like to talk with someone who has gone through a similar experience and hear how you got through and finally did it. I think it is too much for my brain to handle.

I'm so tired of being a victim; to suffer because of other people has done to me. I'm angry with myself for allowing it to happen, unlike you guys I know I could prevented it to happen, at least when I was older and if I did, I wouldnt have wasted so much time going through all this shit and wasting so much energy, I could have been focused on more positive things. I don't want her to feel sorry for me and I know she does.

Ive seen the look in heir eyes this morning before I came to work, I know that she was in deep pain, and she felt sorry for me. She looked so sad, and I cant even help her because I have my problems to deal with in the first place. I know that her needs arent being met, but shes says nothing to me. Shes very strong, but she comes from a happy family, and I dont think she ever imagined this kind of thing could happen. I am not so sure if talking to her was a good idea anymore, it surely made me feel better, but I brought a lot of pain in her life. I told her how much I needed and loved her, but I felt we were distant now; she said she was fine, but I couldnt be more intimate to her.

I was thinking that when you are in a relationship with somebody you love, you have to work very hard to make it work. I know Im not making this any easier with all this shit, but I try to show her that when I struggle to have sex with her has nothing to do with her and that I really dont know why I am that way even when she says that its OK, that we dont need to have sex, that its not important at all, I cant believe her I dont know why, she never lied to me before, but I just dont believe her. I DO think sex is important, whats wrong with me wanting to make love with her? I love her, why is that so difficult? When I convince her to touch me, I get so aroused, but at the same time I feel very nasty and want to sop it, but I cant, I am powerless to stop her. And I am so afraid of hurt her, I want to touch her so badly, but I cant even imagine making her uncomfortable or something. In the end, both of us end hurt. I want to stop this cycle, Im afraid itll destroy our relationship; any of you have gone through something like this? I really need some advice.
 
i initially let the cat out in a letter. i guess somethings are really hard to say. then we talked later. what really shocked me is that i found out she had her own history. she always seemed so well adjusted and strong, but here my wife was a survivor all along, and i never would have guessed. she talked about loosing her virginity at 13, but i always just assumed it was consentual. turns out a 30 year old guy raped her. he was a friend of hers, a friend of a friend type thing. i knew then she understood everything i felt and did in a way few others could. we are close now, and i love her dearly. i still struggle with my sexuality some, but at least i am making the right choices for my self, and for us.

my abuse lasted from five until i was almost seven. a teenager taught me about sex, though i didnt know that was what it was. i continued experimenting and got hooked on it after i learned to climax. i felt i was sinning and sick, and hated myself for masturbating all the time. i hated my self so much, i began punishing my self with sex. at my lowest it included other guys and animals as a teen, and i had second fall only a few years ago when i got on the internet and met other zoophiles. i had arranged to meet a woman when my wife caught me. it almost destroyed us. i told her only part of it then, because i only knew the end results. in therapy and group support i began remembering my abuse. after blocking it out since my childhood, i finally understood why i struggled with sex. only last year i came totally clean to my wife. i told her about getting raped and abused, about acting out to punish myself, about the women i used to get sex and then left, about all my fetishes and my addiction to sex and porn. yet, love endures...

if i can ever help feel free to pm me. i dont do the chat thing, as part of my own boundaries because i got into too much in chatrooms. i dont mind talking over email or pm if i can help someone.
 
MM,

Way to go in talking to your girlfriend. We all know how hard a step that is.

Facing this stuff is very very painful at first. A very good friend of mine, the first person I really trusted to talk about this stuff incidently, told me it was like cleaning out a wound that had been infected for a really long time. It really hurts, but it's the only way to get the wound to heal.

MM, I don't know your situation exactly, but in all likelyhood the reason you "allowed" the abuse to go on for so long was because you didn't know not to. You had been being abused for so long, you had no frame of reference to know that it wasn't normal. Even when you were old enough to stop it, you didn't know it should be stopped.

I never realized that what had happened to me was abuse or that it was wrong until I was sixteen, a full 8 years after it had stopped. Even after I did realize it, it was easier to hang on to the belief that I could have stopped it if I had wanted to, or told somebody afterwards. It was easier to believe that I hadn't wanted to stop it and was just a bad person, because that way I felt like I had some power over the situation. It was easier than me realizing that I, in fact, had no power to stop it and no frame of reference to realize what was happening. In short, the guilt of "being a bad person" was easier than the fear of having no control.

I don't know if this has helped you at all MM, but I hope that it has. If you want you can feel free to PM me and I'll respond as soon as I can.

Way to go again on talking with your girlfriend. Take it easy on yourself MM, you deserve it.

Eric
 
Hello. I must say, I read of this post with great interest. I have friend right now, we have been friends some years, and have even been roommates before. I am realizing more now that I am wishing of her to be more than a friend, but know that it would not be fair if I do not be honest with her of all this first. I am glad that you are able to have the courage to confide in this person, and that it seems to go well.

As for the therapy. I was somewhat resistant of it to begin of that, I was afraid to speak at a stranger of all this. But finally, I go, I have been two times now, and it is something maybe good? It is still most early for me to judge of it, but between the therapy, and the medicines, I am less in panic now. I still can not sleep, and still get the flashbacks and body pains, but is not as often or all-consumption as it was. Just is my thought of it.

I wish you well.

Leosha
 
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