i've no interest in my life

i've no interest in my life
M

markgreyblue

Registrant
sometimes my body feels as a bunch of dissasscoiate parts

sometimes when it is completely quiet i have no interest or energy for the pursuit of 'my goals' which would help me survive-

it's weird - outside the company of people who seem to take notice - especially - when the therapist see you as a hastle - i begin to value myself less and less - not enough energy to damage or engage in dnagerous or distructive behavior towards myself as yet though- don't know if i care that much anyway-
 
Im sorry you are hurting. I know how it feels to be numb like that. The only thing I can see that seems wrong right off is when you say your therapist sees you as a hassle. Clearly time to bring up how you feel, and if needed it may call for finding another person.

Look, when a person sees themselves very negatively, they sometimes project that on others. You may simply be convincing yourself that your T feels this way. I would hope anyone choosing this line of work wouldnt actually feel that way. It certainly warrants discussing with him or her, because such feelings have to interfere with making progress.
 
MGB: I too have felt that way. It is as a result of abuse. You are made to feel like a worthless piece of shit except for their purposes. It follows then that unless I wAS doing what I was told I was good at I felt worthless. If I accomplished anything I set out to destroy int be it a relationship or a task.

Until I was able to start to kind of like the person I saw staring back at me in the mirror I was totally screwed up. I am getting a hard body back at 63. It will not be as good as it was at 18 but it will be a reasonable facsimilie. I hid that body for so long. But now I feel good about it and myself.

Hope this helps. We are not worthless and we are not just available for fxxxxxs to use and abuse.
 
MGB,

Especially now, I know what you're talking about. We get so eaten up by what was done to us, we forget how truly worthy and wonderful we are.

Look, it may seem hypocritical to say this now, but folks here have been reminding me for the past couple of weeks that I have worth, that I am not useless, and it's certainly worth the effort to better yourself. It's the ultmate expression of surviving and thriving.

Thing is, we have to cut ourselves some slack too. My therapist was saying to me that it's no wonder that I've "hit a wall" and regressed, particularly with what I've remembered. But we have to take a break from ourselves too. Take that step back and reflect that we are worth it, and we are going to get better.

You will too, MGB. Trust me on that. You have too much to offer people to give up for good. I imagine that, if you take a break and allow yourself to feel the feelings you have, you will make that breakthrough much sooner than you realize.

Time, bro, and you're worth it.

Peace and love,

Scot
 
I am sorry Mark, I can relate some to what you say. I often do not feel a part of my own life. I am glad that you do not do destructive things to yourself, I can relate to not having the energy to do that. I hope that you are able to feel more complete and present soon. I wish you good luck.

leosha
 
i am so grateful for you guys - it is a rough
day - do you ever drop things a lot?

my hands feel as strong as feathers - it happens
sometimes - a lot lately -
anyway - thanks again-markgb
 
thanks again phoster - i need to be communicative with the t - i agree that this is the abuse talking and making the reality that was my life - into the pattern for the rest of my relationships - i am so trying to do this Mike C.
just start to drop things a lot - i gues my stamina is out of walk -
thanks leosha too - and crisisp- you are right toothat it's gonna turn around just gotta stick around -
 
I am sorry you are feeling this way. I can relate to it somewhat, it is like we aren't a part of our lives, it is like our lives are being lived for us, not by us. BUt you are a good person, who deserves to reach your goals, and you deserve to live your own life, and leave the past behind, and not to let anyone else lve your life for you again.

I am glad you do not get into the trap of self harm, in a way it is good you don't have energy, because you can't hurt yourself, not physically, but our thinking patterns can be self-harming without intending it that way. I hope you begin to feel better soon, and I wish you luck with everything you have survived, and continue to survive.

scott
 
Hello Mark,

I hope that you are able to put your parts back together soon.

Shortly after I came to this site six months ago, I had some confusion with my T, didn't think it was going the direction I wanted it to. I followed some of the good advice provide by the guys here and talked to him about it. That was the best thing I could have done. It wasn't that he wasn't willing, able, or caring enough of me to go that direction, it was because he knew at the time I wasn't ready. Shortly after the talk, we went down that road, what a road it is.

I, also, felt that I was a useless pile of whatever. I was nothing more than a rag for some sicko to wipe with. I didn't care one way or the other if something happened to me. I put myself in dangerous positions. On purpose? I don't know. I should have died several times over, but when push came to shove, I fought for the living. I am someone, someone special. As are you. Don't by into the perps lie, because it isn't true.

Take care,
Bill
 
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