I've lost trust in my wife. Help!

[SPA]

I've been married now for almost 2 years. I'm 31 and for the last 5 months dealing with my SA which occured when I was 5-9 years old by an uncle. And my wife knows about it.

I've learned that when my wife and I were seeing eachother but not officially boyfriend and girlfriend she was seeing someone else at the same time. When we met 3 1/2 years ago, she made mention about a guy she had "seen" before me and would constantly call when she and I were on the phone. Little did I know, the reason he was calling her was because she was having sexual relations with him.

I've had to keep a log of all the statements she has made over this to keep track of all her lies. And I've validated their contact via phone records and credit card statements. She insists that there wasn't intercouse but has stated, "He was making booty calls." "I wanted to have sex with him." "He wanted to have sex with me." "I wanted to enjoy every sexual experience." "I was very attracted to him." "Is it wrong to have intercourse with someone you don't have a relationship with." To give an example, one such "booty call" came on Valentines Day after she and I enjoyed dinner and dancing. Little did I know that 6 days earlier she was at his house engaged in, what she called "heavy petting." She will admit to all sexual activities except for intercouse. The reason this is important is because when she and I got together she "claimed" she was a virgin. A 32 year old virgin (now 36). Even though, she and I took a couple of weekend trips together and learned after we were married she had brought condoms with her on those trips, "just in case."

So for the last 3 1/2 years she had been lieing about this other man. And for the last 3 months over all this I've lost 50 pounds, took up smoking (again), depressed, and taking Zoloft. All the while she has been telling me, "there is nothing left to tell." But time and time again, I catch her in another lie. I've explained how important trust is to me over and over again, then I catch her in another lie.

See, one of the most important traits I fell in love was that she claimed, "she was an open book". That, "I have nothing to hide." If I asked a direct question that she would give an honest answer. That if she did lie she would come back to tell me because of guilt. Well as you can see after 3 1/2 years she can hold a lot of guilt. Our courtship was a sham, our dating was a sham, and to date our marriage has been a sham for keeping up the lies. Even after my depression and weightloss she still didn't have the courage to come clean. I feel not only was she dishonest but has allowed me to suffer physically.

She said once that if I still didn't believe her she would take a polygraph test. So I scheduled one and her response was, "I'll take the test and then I'm moving out because it is taking a polygraph for my husband to believe me." Well geez, I wonder why. She was going to take the polygraph up until the night before. She stated, "I'm not a criminal, I didn't steal anything, I will never take a polygraph." See, she didn't think I would actually schedule an appointment and call her bluff. But I feel she did steal something. She stole the security I had in my wife of trusting her. She took my inocense of never thinking about questioning her, but now I find myself second guessing every word that comes out of her mouth.

A couple of weeks I was really depressed and called her at work and asked her to come home so we can talk about this "issue" I explained that I felt like dieing. Her response was, "I'm already at work and can't come home." She is a teacher. That evening she told me she didn't want to come home and discuss this topic. Naturally, I feel she isn't there for support when I need her. Another example of lack of support is when I'm up at 1am wanting to discuss this topic she gets angry. She states, "don't you know that I have to go to work in the morning? I don't have time to deal with your insecurities discussing what I did or didn't do with some guy 4 years ago. You need to get over it." At one point she came home and said, "either you go and seek some help for your SA or you have to leave."

I am at my wits end, and have told her that I wanted a divorce. She said, "I think that would be best." But now I have a 8 month daughter with her and don't want to be a "weekend father" And by the way, she decided to "come clean" about the topic (even though she was still lieing) a week after we had learned she was pregnant.

I've told her that if she couldn't be honest about this topic she could be dishonest about anything in our future.

Questions - Should I trust her again? Should I let this topic go? I'm I asking too much from her? Should I "throw in the towel?" Looking for some advice.

 

[theo]

spa,
i understand. while you were just getting to know your wife three and a half years ago i was losing mine. we were married and together for seven years. i did not know about my csa till two years after that all happened (her leaving me). the stuff i found out later about her just made me sick. if i read your post correctly then your wife was doing this as you were starting out. did you know each other prior to becoming involved? friends or colleagues? i know how confusing and upsetting all of this because i went through it myself, though my wife cheated on me during our marriage and lied throughout it. did you just start having your csa memories in the last six months to a year? try not to make any decision while you are at your wits end with the abuse and depression. i know that when i am deep in my episodes that i cannot think clearly because of the pain. ultimately though you will need to answer for yourself if the lies she told about something serious as this but that happened years ago as you two were getting to know each other is really worth getting a divorce. i have been forced down that road, spa, and i can tell you that it is hell. i am not minimizing the serious issue you have over not only the event of 3.5 years ago, but also her lies about the event from that time during your marriage, but you will have to decide if a near 4 yr/premarriage lie is worth losing what you and her have now. but don't make that call while in the middle of a depression, wait it out. of course, it changes everything if this would have occurred after your marriage. hang in there and pm me if you need to.

 

[Tribear]

Originally posted by SPA:
I've been married now for almost 2 years. I'm 31 and for the last 5 months dealing with my SA which occured when I was 5-9 years old by an uncle. And my wife knows about it.

I've learned that when my wife and I were seeing each other but not officially boyfriend and girlfriend she was seeing someone else at the same time. When we met 3 1/2 years ago...

Woah there big fella,

My heart goes out to you. Please read this carefully. It could save your marriage, your daughter's happy home, and keep you from being divorced and alone unnecessarily. All of those are wonderful things.

Make no mistake, I'm totally on your side about your wanting a happy marriage with someone you can trust.

But as I see it, here are some issues you should stop and consider, based on what you said:

1. Is an affair between your wife and someone else in serious question NOW??? Or, since you've been married to her???? I'm talking about some real evidence. If not, please slow down now, take a deep breath, and read on.

2. Has your marriage been reasonably good, otherwise? And do you love her? If so, man, happy marriages don't grow on trees. Just like you are unique, so is she. Don't think you can easily replace her with someone else.

3. As said already by the above poster, your ability to truly trust anyone right now is probably badly damaged, because of the horrible SA issues. So again, slow down if at all possible.

They call the 'trust no one now' syndrome "transference". How it works: You were betrayed by others you should have been able to trust. So now, you can easily transfer your feelings of betrayal onto ANYONE who is close to you, whether they deserve it or not. That can include an innocent wife. It's not because your not smart! It's because everybody does it to some extent when they have been sexually abused. Who can blaim us?

And, if your accusations about not being able to trust her NOW are unfounded, and you don't stop them right away, they can be 'self-fulfilling'? Do you know what that means?

Danger!!! It means you can take a marriage that would otherwise actually work out, and totally destroy it just by saying "This marriage is ruined!" If you do that over and over again, to her and yourself, you will both want out.

Act now, I mean it. If there aren't strange phone calls anymore, or unexplained nights away, that kind of thing, please tell her you may be confused and will talk to someone. Tell her you love her and want to stay with her, if at all possible. And do your best to treat her as innocent until proven guilty, just like you would probably want treated.

Do talk to someone, and hang on tight for now if you can.

The issue of virginity? Most people had other loves before they committed to that special someone, and virginity is a bell you just can't unring. She's with you now, by choice. That means something.

Maybe she was afraid to tell you how involved she was with him at one time, because she really loved you and didn't want to lose you. Maybe that's why she still won't discuss it. Maybe she will be the best and sweetest friend you ever had in your life, if you don't throw it away.

You're probably better off not knowing all the details of someone's sexual past, because it hurts too much. That's my opinion.

Talk to someone, please.

Regards,

Tribear

 

[Leosha]

It is difficult for me to try to advice on this subject, because I am not in relationship, and never have been. But I know how difficulty it is, to try to have trust in someone, have them break that trust, and then try to learn to trust them again.

It sounds like she is not taking so much responsibility for what she'd done. Is she in therapy at all? Perhaps that would be best, for her to maybe be in some therapy, and for you to be in couples therapy together. I think that may be one way to find out how much she is willing to work this, to make it better between you.

I wish you well, and good luck.

leosha

 

[SPA]

Originally posted by theo:
if i read your post correctly then your wife was doing this as you were starting out. did you know each other prior to becoming involved? friends or colleagues?
did you just start having your csa memories in the last six months to a year?
of course, it changes everything if this would have occurred after your marriage. hang in there and pm me if you need to.

Theo, first let me say thanks for the feedback. Let me answer your questions... She and I did not know each other prior to becoming involved, nor were we friends or colleagues. We met via mutual friend. At the time, I lived 240 miles away and would come down and see her every other weekend. On the off weekends she would see him. After doing the math, when I proposed to her I thought (and she led me to believe) it was after a 9 month courtship. But in actuality, the duration from her "last date" with him and when I proposed (and she accepted) was 4 weeks. If she had been honesty about seeing someone else the whole time I would have waited much longer before I proposed. To add insult to injury, based on her misrepresentation of herself, I moved to where she lived and changed jobs and accomodated her so she could be near her family. Hence, I moved away from a job I had for 7 years, my friends, etc... Before I made this transistion she kept lieing to me. I took a big leap of faith in trusting this woman that I moved my life to be near her and propose when she last saw this other guy 4 weeks earlier. And quite honestly, because I was 240 miles away and from proposal to me moving was about 9 months; My gut tells me she was still seeing him after my proposal but doesn't want to admit it.

Ok, my CSA memories I've always had since I was a child. I was abused by not only my uncle, but my babysitters husband and his son. It would not have been uncommon to be abused by all 3 in a given week (I was 5 to 9 years old). And spent my whole life hiding it. It was only in the last 6 months that I trusted my wife enough to be the first person in 22 years to tell her of my CSA. It was a month later that she began to explain our "courtship" period. Naturally, after opening up to my wife about my CSA and then learning about her other "activities" it sent me into a tail spin.

Now my concern is that she could do it again, with ease right to my face.

SPA

 

[theo]

spa,
thank you for clearing that up. the fact that she lied during courtship, or misrepresented herself cannot be denied. i understand the trauma of the feeling of betrayal. i look back on my previous marriage every once in awhile and wonder how she would have reacted if my memories resurfaced while still married to her. t give her due credit, she was not a monster emotionally but i don't think she would have been able to handle the stress of the ptsd that i have had since recall. i say all of that because looking from the outside it would seem that your wife was responding in the best way she could after your sharing the most intimate secret you have ever held by sharing what hers was. there was a situation early in my marriage when the honeymoon phase stopped and intimacy took another turn. i wont go into here but the bottom line was that she had issue i was not aware of during our courtship about intimacy and this set the tone for the duration of our marriage. i made a mistake those many years ago by not sitting down with her and explaining how her revelation effected me. i kept inside and it ate away at me. i think this is what may have happened when she told you about the courtship behavior of hers. when my former wife told me what she did about how she felt about intimacy, i felt as though she had lied to me all those months before and i could never completely trust her again, not because she waited to tell me but because i never told her about how i felt after she told me. your wife sounds like a young woman who did some things she regrets and wanted to share with you her secret just as you shared yours. your feelings of confusion and betrayal are perfectly understandable...i have been there, i know how you feel. i am sure there have been words or at least feelings over this that are not compatible with long term marriage goals, but ask yourself one thing...is it possible she finally told the truth to respond to your trust to share your secret? if she did then act right now to talk this out honestly and completely. a marriage is a terrible thing to lose if the people really love each other and are capable of sharing each other's life. don't make the mistake i did...our silence during pain is a legacy of our abuse and has no place in our current life, especially one shared with another who reached out as you two did and shared each other's secret. if necessary, decide on a mediator such as a cleric or counselor to help you both walk through this if you both feel a need for such. either way, if you answered the above question about her motivation in telling you her secret that she may have been responding to your divulgance with her own to clear the past, then talk openly and honestly with each other. remember, spa, it was the silence that caused us survivors the greatest damage because there was no one we could turn to. if you are blessed with a real caring person to share your life with it is worth every effort to overcome this current crisis together. take care, my friend. you can pm me if you need to