I've just got to write this

I've just got to write this
F

fhorns

Registrant
I wrote this letter this morning, and I had just better share it. Otherwise I'll beat myself up for not doing so.


I am scared to write this, but I will attempt to. I have lived through abuse (physical, sexual, emotional) in my childhood, and as the youngest, I was able to hide from the world by hiding behind my brothers. Unfortunately, one day they grew up, went away from home, and left me alone. I never changed.

I am now almost 33 years old. I wait each day to find that moment of fantasy or escape that says the fears are not present, and I hang on to it in every way I can. It is sometimes through a movie. Most of the time it is through food. Though sweets and junk food are the most enjoyable way to go, they are leaving me holding an empty bag. I still want to live in a fantasy world where no danger can hurt me. I want to hide from the fear.

I realized this morning, for the first time, that I still seek pity, that I want someone to encourage me to live out a fantasy world while
still managing (and looking good) in the real world. In other words, I don't want to be connected truly. I just want to look good so I
can go on with living in my fantasies in secret. This sucks.

I've shared this without being defensive about possible reactions, but I've felt a little bit in these last few seconds. If I do, it's because there are a*******s that say "grow up, get on with life". Maybe I am truly seeking pity. I do know I feel alone. I make it that way. Wow. What a mess.
 
fhorns:

Those that say get over in and move one with your life cannont possibly know the trauma that we have endured and thank god for that. To undestand is to experience it and I am forever grateful that they have not.

I think the key is to forgive yourself for taking on the guilt and the shame that truly belong elsewhere with those that did what they did. We were all made to feel responsible for what happened and it served the bastards well. We kept our mouths shut and by so doing protected them. Now that makes me really mad at my perps.

Over the course of this year I have learned to have some respect for myself and have a sense of self worth. It has done wonders for me. I can be who I truly am and not a facade I present or trying to be all things for all people.

Just take it a step at a time and work on it ok. You will get discouraged and find it painful at times but believe me it is the only road to be on because the rewards for self are immense.
 
Okay, Dam, I need to get back into the ancient philosophers! I know that there was one who said that we do not seek out that which is harmful to us. So even things that appear to be harmful (negative habits, addictions, self harm, other 'acting out' behaviors), truly we do them because they do give us something GOOD in response. So yes, maybe I cut or burn myself. Not a good thing, right? But for a short moment, it takes my mind off of things, give me a feeling of control and power, and closes off the screaming in my mind. The positive out of the negative. (And I am not saying that 'negative' coping behaviors are all bad, without them I know I would not still be here! It's easier to survive a cut on my stomach or leg then a huge overdose of medications, trust me, I've done both).

So, what I am trying so badly to say (I have had no sleep, be kind!), is that there is still something about the behavior, whether it is 'wanting pity' or something else, that is giving you something positive in return, something that you have not found out yet how to get in another form. I think the 'pity' thing, it is wonderful. It keeps people telling us, oh, it's okay, you can keep doing that, you are excused to...and because the path of healing is so scary, maybe that is an easier place to be for a while. (Please understand, I am not at all saying that this is what you are doing, I am just 'for exampling'). Sometimes the fear of the unknown is more frightening then the hell we know, no matter how bad, that hell is our home. It is comfortable. Change is not.

Just is my thought, maybe try to examine it a bit. What you do. And why it is working for you. What is it that you are getting from it, what positive? Try to find that and understand it. And then look at whether you can get that positive thing from some other behavior, that does not have the negative undertone.

I wish you good luck, and I am sorry if I am not making to good sense here. I know what I am thinking, but I sure do not know how to say it!

Leosha
 
fhorns, just a question. Do you think that the "pity" you seek might rather be a human, face to face with you, acknowledging that what happened to you is awful beyond imagining?

When a live human being hears our story and acknowledges that it is awful and that s/he really wishes they could somehow help us, well, that is quite a great feeling. If the cry, or their expression shows that they are empathizing with our hurt and sense of bewilderment, there is something about that moment that we treasure.

When my SA began I was too big to sit in someone's lap and have them hug me and tell me that they love me and would protect me. But, that part of me that remembers that young 12 year old, wants to sit in a safe lap and be held.

When the teen of me that remembers the abuse, what he wants is that some kind, very manly man would put his arm around me and tell me that he is saddened to hear that story and that he will help me stop it, or make sure it does not happen again.
I have this longing for a strong male protector who will be sensitive to my hurt and fear, AND affirm my maleness.

I wonder if this might be what you are calling "pity." I just don't feel that those longings are a sign of wanting pity. In my mind, I want a man to show me that men CAN, tho not always, be safe, caring, and protective of young men and boys like me.

Maybe I regress at times, to my boyhood. Maybe many of us do. I think it is good. It is true we cannot live our lives over. But we can feel great love and caring for ourselves at that stage and age of life when we were so profoundly harmed.

My heart thinks that the same would work for a boy or teen who was harmed by a female.

The idea of: "love yourself," can be a moment today, that we needed to feel those few or many years ago, depending on how long it has been since we were victimized.

Bob
 
fhorns - I think everyone here wants to wake up on a morning & feel that everything is great & that we were never abused. The best thing you have done is to let others know how you feel (I bet that has taken some of the pain away). You will feel even better as you see the way that people respond to you positively on this site.

As for growing up - one of my friends wives once commented that I was not an adult because I do some crazy things (before she new I had unresolved issues) - she said it in a way that indicated it was a positive quality. I am childish in some respects because there is a part of me that is forever 12 years old - through this site & with support from othersI'm trying to bring that child forward to join the rest of me. I don't want to loose the 12 year old forever - he has at least taught me to be compassionate towards others.

As for dreaming - well I can score hat tricks for the English Football Team, play the best guitar solo ever, paint the best picture ever - these are ways of coping when you're down & anyway why shouldn't we be the best.

Don't beat yourself up - look at what you can do & what you are good at.

One of the things you may notice on this site is that we can all beat ourselves up - everyone else tells us we shouldn't & they are right.

Strength be with you.
 
fhorns:

I can relate to a lot of what you say. The "holding the empty bag" analogy is a good one for seeking feelings in external addictions whether they are food, alcohol, drugs. They all fill you with a false good feeling until you need the next "fix" so to speak.

The pull of the fantasy speaks to me too... mine usually revolves around appearing "fine" even when I am not, but the desire for pity is there too. I want people to know that I am not fine, and comfort me, but I don't want to disclose what happened. My fantasy (which I working very hard on debunking) is that what happened to me was not a big deal.

I think that people look at self-pity and wanting pity as weak. People who have not gone through something like this (or who have and are pushing it away) tend to see "survivors" as complainers. The number of times I have overheard people say things like "What is the point of bringing up the past?" makes me angry as hell. There is a mentality, esp. in the US, that you are supposed to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and all that macho shit. So don't beat yourself up over wanting pity... you are right to want people to acknowledge that this was a terrible thing that happened to you and that it shouldn't have happened.

-Sean
 
I use carbs to zone out.

I use headphones and a portable CD player to drown out thoughts.

I fantasize about very orderly houses with complex floorplans and lots of big windows. I walk through these houses with ease, totally relaxed and content. These are not visualizations but very intense efforts to keep them from collapsing and plunging me back into a frightening world.

(You don't have to physically cower in a corner to be terrified.)

Lastly, I fantasize about possessing a tight circle of friends who actually enjoy my company and seek it out. I create and maintain elaborate conversations.
 
Brother,

I've lived a rather extreme version of the "fantasy game" for too long a time. My mind denied the abuse that happened, the rape I set myself up for, and I didn't remember most of it (at least with the childhood stuff. I always knew "something" happened, but not what).

There is nothing wrong with wanting "normal." We don't know what "normal" is like because we have these little experiences that changed us. It's hard work to undo what's been done, and it can be too much sometimes. Believe me, I know this!

But, my friend, look to what you have accomplished. You ARE healing, you are STRIVING to heal, and that's something that many people don't want to do. You are a hero. You are to me and everyone here.

So, while I'm sorry for what happened to you, and I feel the pain it has caused you, I am so very glad to know you as you are. You have more humanity than some of the "normal" people out there, and guys like you help guys like me.

Normal is good, and worth the effort, but we are good people too. Normal be damned!

Brother Fhorns, as always, I love you, no strings. And, as Mr. Rogers once said, "it's you I like, not the clothes that you wear, not the color of your hair. I like you. Just you."

Peace and love,

Scot
 
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