I've got to stop searching, but how?

I've got to stop searching, but how?
F

ForeverFighting

Registrant
Roadrunner said something that sounded looney to me.
But it seems to me that added to this you might be clinging to some hope that a spark of compassion and affection on (your dad's) part will also appear, that you two might ultimately "connect". That would be wonderful, but it is up to you to decide whether it is worth waiting for and what the cost of the waiting would be.
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I dismissed the thought, because my dad is as good as dead to me. But the brain kept tossing things around and started thinking about schemas , something I heard about in a psychology class. They're like stereotypes, ways that children use to make sense of the world. "Policemen are strong. He looks like a policeman, so he must be strong." It's a short jump to prejudice, but that's another story.

I read an article that said, Having never had a male role model, he may... feel what Dr. Joseph Nicolosi calls a sense of weakness and incompetence with regard to those attributes associated with masculinity, that is, power, assertion, and strength. If a person takes inventory of the specific traits in which he feels deficient, he may discover... that these are the very traits that he finds attractive in other men."

I was the only blonde kid in a family of brunettes. My dad wanted a girl. My dad was a jock; I was a musician. Everything about me said "different". Or maybe everything about my family said it. But ever since I was a kid, I would try to hang around the dark-haired boys. They scared me, but the look said strength. It's just more of the "if I were different, this wouldn't have happened to me". Untrue, but it's training.

It's not about the father I HAD. It's the IDEA of the father that I didn't have. And all my life, I've had this sick idea that if I looked the right look, I'd attract this imaginary father-figure who would love me. I've used my body shape as a crutch, not that I've ever had a shape, but in my imagination, if I could be thin enough, I had the power to obtain the man I needed. It wasn't that I ever got a man or had one--it was that I could if I wanted to. In my imagination. Now it sounds so sick. If I'm only sexy enough, I can find a father who will love me. If I can be like that guy in the porn, I can make a man like me for who I am. Wow, what's wrong with this training?

And now I look in the mirror, and I've lost the shape. I don't match the pictures online anymore. And I know that my imagined "power" is gone, and my hopes of ever finding a father are fading. So I get depressed and go on diets and excercise, cut my hair and buy new clothes. But it's not about that. It's about the search for this father I never had.

It's the wish list, wishing for a male role model that will take care of me, will show me what to do with my hair, help me figure out a path in life, go to lunch with me and like me for who I am. Who won't criticize me. Someone for whom I wouldn't have to change to gain their approval. Someone to whom I could tell all this, and he'd actually try to help me and check up on me.

Roadrunner said it, "All I can suggest is don't wait for the breakthrough (with your dad) that in all likelihood will never come." So yeah, I guess I am hanging on to a hope that won't be fulfilled. This is one of the last fantasies I still hold onto. And like any crutch, I'm getting a little nervous talking about dropping it.

Guys, how do I let go? The psychological psychobabble would tell me to find this role model inside me, to realize my own strengths, the man I am. That's not working for me. And honestly, when I look inside myself for male qualities, I get stuck on the physical anyway. How can I just stop looking for my dad? Not the dead one. The real one? How can I let go of this last feeling of control, that my body is the only weapon I own that works? I've finally been able to let go of the perp uncle, and I've finally dealt with my mom and all her failures, but this discussion has really shown me that I'm stuck on this big-time and I have been for my whole life. This is another loss, admitting that I will NEVER have the father I needed. How can I just SAY that? I need a father, right?
 
Okay, there is something that is really confusing me now, and I don't know if I'm confusing two issues, or if it is EVEN an issue.

ForeverFighting wrote:
I read an article that said, Having never had a male role model, he may... feel what Dr. Joseph Nicolosi calls a sense of weakness and incompetence with regard to those attributes associated with masculinity, that is, power, assertion, and strength. If a person takes inventory of the specific traits in which he feels deficient, he may discover... that these are the very traits that he finds attractive in other men."
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I'm going to take a tangent here that probably should be in the Sexual Identity Issues forum.

If I am looking for a "dad"; if this is what attracts me to men, then am I actually gay? Is my attraction to men a reaction to the weak father figure I had growing up or a result of my true orientation?

I'm not really sure how to explain what I'm asking any better than that. I'll keep working on it. In the mean time, any comments?
 
Dewey,

I addressed Michael's issue on the members' side, so here I thought I might just have a go at your question.

Only you can answer the question you ask of course, and ultimately I think it comes down not to "Am I gay?", but "What do I need?" If you are looking for a caring male figure who can make you feel safe and lovable in the world, does that feeling need to be expressed sexually?

I am a big enemy of labels like "straight" and "gay". I have never had consentual sex with another male, but does that alone define me as "straight"? What about the guy who is "gay", but is very much attracted to a certain woman? Still gay? And so on.

So it's back to something I suggested in another thread: Who is Dewey, and what does he need in order to be happy? If you think you are gay, what does being gay mean to you? Why is it important?

Just for the record, I think the same questions should be addressed by someone who thinks he is "straight" but is having doubts and feels confused.

Much love,
Larry
 
I guess the question is, is the attraction I feel originating from the longing for a dad, or for a partner, or both?
 
Oh, wow. I didn't mean to shake you, Dewey. But for me, I'd agree with Roadrunner here. Sometimes we worry so much about the labels that we miss what we really need. I'm "straight". I'm attracted to male role models and manly traights, but the thought of the actual sex sex makes me want to run, screaming, away. To me, "gay" means sex, and being SA by a man, that's not appealing to me. But that's me.

My therapist made it clear to me early on that there are emotional issues that are completely separate from everything else, whether they be religious, moral, physical--whatever. So he said he didn't care what I was. I was there to work on my emotional issues, and part of my emotional issues had to do with the complete failure on the part of my dad to be anything to me. He's a selfish male who has absolutely no concern for anyone else outside himself. I was essentially raised by a mom who was taking the place of my dad. We lived in the middle of nowhere, my granddad, the only role model I had, died when I was 4. So with no role models at all, I became my mom and tried to be sexual like the perp uncle who showed me what being a "man" was all about. He had power, and in my imagination, it was the sex that gave him that power.

So, taking off all the totally messed up training of my youth, I still long to be whatever that fictional male role model is. Roadrunner is right. That's "Little ForeverFighting" talking, still wanting the dad I never had.

They're such complicated issues, Dewey. I was simply applying that quote to myself, because that's me. I don't feel strong, assertive, or powerful. And I do find that attractive in fictional men, men who will let me be strong without condemning me or stomping me back down into "my place". Maybe that's what it's about. I want somebody who will treat me better. Is that friendship? Trust? Letting another man in emotionally? For me, I think so. For me, it's not about sex. It's about love. I don't know that those emotional issues have anything to do with "orientation".

Take care, Dewey. Only you can discover what or who it is you're really searching for.
 
The answer to your question is simple but can be made more complicated by using "psychobable" to analyze yourself all the time. Analyzing your thoughts opinions and actions too much can be invigorating and can cause you to miss the main point. The question is, "How do you feel?"
I tend to think to much about myself and I had realized that I am paying a therapist to do that for me. My job was to identify and become in touch with my feelings.

Let tell you about a little technique I had used that was extremely beneficial to me. Perhaps the concept of an inner child may sound absurd to you or maybe not. However, that inner child will help you to cope and recover from these feeling of not adding up to what your father or anyone else thinks of you. For starters, you already add up, you were just "trained" not to feel or think that way as you mentioned in your entry. Think about yourself as a child around when all of this abuse and neglect happened. Picture this child sitting beside you and talking to you about how bad he feels. This may sound creepy but at first but there is nothing wrong with it. Talk back to your inner child and tell him you understand his pain and you love him. Of course you understand him, you actually walked in his shoes. Write letters to him and read them later. In actuality, that inner child is still alive. It is alive within you. Everytime you feel like a child and your scared, lonely, or feeling ashamed, that is your inner child crying out for help. Listen to him. You will find great benefit if you do this and the more often you do it the better you'll feel. Doing this allowed me to cry when I felt it was impossible. Once that little boy feels loved again, then those awful feelings that reside in you will slowly deplete. Remember that this is an account of my experiences and the process may be different for you. It is always best to do what you feel comfortable with. This is just some insight for ya. Good luck! You are worth it!
 
Originally posted by ForeverFighting:
Oh, wow. I didn't mean to shake you, Dewey. But for me, I'd agree with Roadrunner here. Sometimes we worry so much about the labels that we miss what we really need. I'm "straight". I'm attracted to male role models and manly traights, but the thought of the actual sex sex makes me want to run, screaming, away. To me, "gay" means sex, and being SA by a man, that's not appealing to me. But that's me.
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You didn't shake me, but the paragraph did start me thinking about something I've been brushing off for a while now. What really concerned me is that the characteristics of a good father figure are the same characteristic I'm looking for in a partner, and if the partners in a relationship are not equals, then it won't work.

I had a message from a friend here and he asked some pertinent questions. After thinking about what he said, being gay or straight or bi isn't the issue. What IS the issue is whether or not I'm comfortable being me.

I may not be able to answer the questions I asked earlier for a long time, if ever. The only thing I can do is be mindful of this confusion, if you will, as my life progresses, and evaluate the situation as it occurs.

Thank you for starting this thread. It's been really helpful for me in a lot of ways.

Edit:
This is also my 200th post. Thank you all for being here and providing a safe, supportive environment, not just for me but for all of us. There is power here, and healing. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
 
A good analogy for sexual orientation is the Likert scale, (a scale of 1 to 10). 1 vbeing completely straight and the other being completely gay. How many people do you think are a 1 or a 10. My guess would be no one. We are not straight, or gay. We are human. Underneath all of the stereotypes and societal labels, the truth can be found. Propaganda is another think that can hinder our recovery if we let it.
 
ForeverFighting,

Thanks for starting this thread, and even though I don't feel I have anything to contribute, It has been food for thought along lines I needed to think.

Hand in there

Darrel
 
Thank you, guys. I think the most important thing I've gotten out of this site is the need to make real connections. I used to have problems with DID stuff, and I think it's because my family put on this facade of being so different from reality. I lived in my imagination. Old habits are hard to break.

Healing, I think, comes from telling our stories, making real friends in the real world and feeling the crumbs of trust we hand out being validated. It's about turning off the fantasymen and going outside myself to talk to real men. But real men are scary! All the more reason to see that the majority of real men are nothing like the rotten apples in my family tree. Healing is making real connections with real people in the real world.

There's no going back. There's no finding a real father. But the connections I should have had in my family can be found in real friends. It's about staying in the present.

Thanks, men. That word is so difficult for me to say. Men. But if there ever were some, you're them.
 
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