I've got questions - sorry this is long
After years of a marriage that has been like a rollercoaster ride, I stumbled onto something last week that I think explains my husbands behavior. I suspect he is emotionally damaged as a result of an incestuous relationship with his older sister. I am brand new to the forum and haven't done a lot of reading yet, so please point me in the direction of articles, etc. that may answer some of my questions. I really appreciate any help.
My story: my husband and I have been married for a very long time. In these years we've had a lot of trouble over his behavior with other women. He seemed to be enchanted with any female he happened to meet, he flirted, he threw himself at her feet, yet he seemed oblivious to the fact that this was inappropriate behavior and always denied any wrongdoing. Hes called me crazy, paranoid, obsessed, more times than I care to remember.
I questioned so many times over the years what was wrong with ME? Why wasn't I enough? Why did he feel the need to offer himself to any woman who'd give him the time of day? We've separated several times, but each time he'd beg, cry, threaten suicide, do whatever it took to get back into my life. He honestly felt he couldnt live without me and our children. Id let him back in, hed behave himself for a while, then the cycle would start over again.
I've spent hundreds of hours on forums dedicated to the subject of infidelity, but I've never found the answers I was searching for. I did come to understand that my husband was a sex addict. But why? We've got a great marriage! We spend all our time together, we enjoy the same outdoor sports, we honestly love each other. Why couldn't he behave himself?
Then one day last week I followed a link that led me to some info on the long-term effects of child sexual abuse. It stated that the victim may be promiscuous, unable to say no to sexual encounters, has difficulty separating from the birth family, and several other things that described my husband to a "T". And it all fell into place.
I knew my husband had an incestuous relationship with his older sister. He never told me this and denied it when I asked him, but a relative of his told me years ago. The sister was eight years older and it must have started when my husband was under ten years old. It continued until he was 18 years old. I didn't like it, but since I knew the sister also had sex with another brother, a nephew and several cousins, I considered that my husband was another notch on her bed post. I never suspected that it affected him, even today, until now. I never considered it sexual abuse. How could a female sexually abuse a male? Surely it was consensual now Im seeing things in a whole new light.
Can anyone tell me what your experience has been with long-term affects of sexual abuse by a female perpetrator? Could my husband's sexual acting-out be related to the abuse? The more I look at it, the more I feel there is a strong relationship. He cannot say no. He feels helpless in the face of any woman's advances. While he will go to great lengths to avoid being alone with any woman who expresses an interest in him, he won't do anything overt to discourage her advances. He seems to want to be seduced, but at the same time he's terrified of the prospect! And he always denies, denies, denies any interest in another woman. He always swears up and down I dont know why she did that. I never encouraged her! Im not interested in her, I wish shed leave me alone. All the while Im sitting there thinking Youre a bald-faced liar. You are a cheat. You love playing the victim, dont you? Maybe hes not playing the victim. Maybe hes reenacting his seduction by his older sister, over and over
Please help. After years of trying to figure him out and monitor his activities, I'm exhausted. I have almost arrived at the conclusion that it would be easier to divorce him than to keep dealing with his craziness! You may help to save a marriage.
My story: my husband and I have been married for a very long time. In these years we've had a lot of trouble over his behavior with other women. He seemed to be enchanted with any female he happened to meet, he flirted, he threw himself at her feet, yet he seemed oblivious to the fact that this was inappropriate behavior and always denied any wrongdoing. Hes called me crazy, paranoid, obsessed, more times than I care to remember.
I questioned so many times over the years what was wrong with ME? Why wasn't I enough? Why did he feel the need to offer himself to any woman who'd give him the time of day? We've separated several times, but each time he'd beg, cry, threaten suicide, do whatever it took to get back into my life. He honestly felt he couldnt live without me and our children. Id let him back in, hed behave himself for a while, then the cycle would start over again.
I've spent hundreds of hours on forums dedicated to the subject of infidelity, but I've never found the answers I was searching for. I did come to understand that my husband was a sex addict. But why? We've got a great marriage! We spend all our time together, we enjoy the same outdoor sports, we honestly love each other. Why couldn't he behave himself?
Then one day last week I followed a link that led me to some info on the long-term effects of child sexual abuse. It stated that the victim may be promiscuous, unable to say no to sexual encounters, has difficulty separating from the birth family, and several other things that described my husband to a "T". And it all fell into place.
I knew my husband had an incestuous relationship with his older sister. He never told me this and denied it when I asked him, but a relative of his told me years ago. The sister was eight years older and it must have started when my husband was under ten years old. It continued until he was 18 years old. I didn't like it, but since I knew the sister also had sex with another brother, a nephew and several cousins, I considered that my husband was another notch on her bed post. I never suspected that it affected him, even today, until now. I never considered it sexual abuse. How could a female sexually abuse a male? Surely it was consensual now Im seeing things in a whole new light.
Can anyone tell me what your experience has been with long-term affects of sexual abuse by a female perpetrator? Could my husband's sexual acting-out be related to the abuse? The more I look at it, the more I feel there is a strong relationship. He cannot say no. He feels helpless in the face of any woman's advances. While he will go to great lengths to avoid being alone with any woman who expresses an interest in him, he won't do anything overt to discourage her advances. He seems to want to be seduced, but at the same time he's terrified of the prospect! And he always denies, denies, denies any interest in another woman. He always swears up and down I dont know why she did that. I never encouraged her! Im not interested in her, I wish shed leave me alone. All the while Im sitting there thinking Youre a bald-faced liar. You are a cheat. You love playing the victim, dont you? Maybe hes not playing the victim. Maybe hes reenacting his seduction by his older sister, over and over
Please help. After years of trying to figure him out and monitor his activities, I'm exhausted. I have almost arrived at the conclusion that it would be easier to divorce him than to keep dealing with his craziness! You may help to save a marriage.