I've Found IT! I've Found the Holy Grail!!!

I've Found IT! I've Found the Holy Grail!!!
L

LupinIII

Registrant
(And I am not pretending to be on a horse while banging together coconuts)

Major Revelation Tonight!!!!

For years I have often thought and said, "I feel like there is something I am missing. Something I cannot put my finger on, but it's out there and it's huge."

I often thought the "grail" was some great destiny I would run into. I searched for years waiting to bump into the holy cup and reap its rewards.

This evening it hit me: THE SA WAS THE GRAIL!!! What had been escaping me all these years was the memory and understanding of what happened to me. Since I have made my discoveries I have gone through hell, but a lot of toxic crap has begun to leave my system.

On top of that different facets of my personality, that have been disassociated for years,have begun to blend together. The other day I posted about my search for identity. Today I know that it is the "blending" that is forming my identity. In the past when I had an anxiety attack that was all I could feel. Today I can feel the spiritual part of me telling me it will be okay or my intellect comforting me with "pre-recorded" anti-anxiety statements.

I am also ready to open the door to creativity again. I know it is a wonderful land, but the door has always been stuck. Now I have begun figuring out ways to move the junk in front of the door to allow it more room.

I still feel a lot of the toxic gunk passing through me. Some days will be very bad and some very good.

It doesn't matter.

I have found my Grail.

Thanks for letting me share this.
 
I think I really don't understand this one! By 'holy grail', does that mean the answer to explain why some things are the way they are? If so, I am glad that you have understanding of it now.

Leosha
 
Whatever you do:

DON'T TELL THE POPE!!!

they just might get kinds of very weird ideas there in Rome...

I think there's something seriously amiss here...
SA = Holy Grail?

If that is so, what on earth would it mean? I may lack the intellect to comprehend, but in my version of the Grail legend its the quest that matters, finding ==well ask any 6th century scolar== whatever. I somehow remember all kinds of rather serious deep and religious stuff, but no mention of abuse. I also can't recall any verse in the Bible where it says that a human should suffer so much in order to be able to find God and His grand masterplan. That is what the Grail legends are about, aside some real weird versions, that are written in Gothic and Merovingan-Frankish, Languages that aren't really in common use these days. And even those do not mention the abuse of children.

I'm happy for you that you may have found some way of dealing with this but I'm affraid you may be mistaken.

SA or any abuse or other forms of violence do hurt mankind, it does not enrich mankind. Yes, I know of many who thought and wrote defferently. Indeed, Herr Nietsche was wrong, very wrong. And we have 2 ww's to bear his "whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger"
into history. We as a western world do not grow stronger when Mr. teatowel bin bloody laden decided it was time to play a mongrel version of David. We are strong and just, we have thousands of years of bloodshed, trial and error as a common history. Our gains from so many horrid mistakes are tollerance, freedom, and reason. We did learn the hard way, years ago, and we can very well do without him reminding anyone about being wrong. He might want to do so self analysis, but I'm affraid only a good long drop to the end of a 12 ' rope can bring these individuals to their sences.

We do not need SA to make us stronger, alike we do not need our brothers shot down or blown to pieces to grow stronger.
These events hurt, and prevent us from working on improvement and an even more just society. And I dare say that's rather a large job still. Due to any violence, we are forced to stand and defend, to maintain the status quo at least, in hope to be able to work on really important matters in the future. In fact, we are thus compelled to waist time. The same goes for SA. It ruins lives. It delays or stops or makes impossible progress. It makes for unhappy lives. It does not strenghten one. It makes broken men out of boys even before they are men, it makes you loose years and years of normal devellopment, which society then throws back into your face, making it yet harder to stay sane. SA is terror placed upon those who can least defend themselves, and then too, perpatrated by the very people who are supposed to help these young human beings grown and facilitate them to learn, so that they may grow up to further the cause of humanity.

SA = all the forms of tirrany, despotism and evil ever conceived by man, any version of satan you care for, all the evil spirits that may be and then some.

I can stress in no uncertain terms, that if anyone beliefs ANY good can come from ANY form of abuse or violence, the might want to reconsider. And might need to do some reading. A mere 8000 years of writings are at hand at your local library, enjoy....

Daniel
 
Good for you. I completly understand what you mean. Continue to move the trash away so that you have room to move on. Good luck
 
I agree that there is absolutely no good to be found in SA. It terrorizes, breaks, and kills (too often).

I think there may be something not exactly positive but useful in recovery. Once the SA has been committed, has been survived, and recovery has begun, perhaps there is spiritual growth which is stimulated by the process of healing.

As in all kinds of trauma, there is no one who knows it better than the person who has been there and, for those that survive it, no one who better knows how survival happens and what can come of it.

Nothing justifies the SA. Nothing eases the pain that it causes. Nothing modifies its horrors.

As I recall, seeking the Grail was a spiritual journey as much as a physical one. It represented the acheivement of a spiritual ideal. The journey required courage and persistance and the overcoming of all sorts of extraordinary obstacles.

We heal our pain for ourselves but also, I think, for the sake of all our brothers.

Brett
 
Congratulations on putting the pieces together. Integration is a real blessing.

I've had similar experiences, a feeling inside that something had been derailed. A feeling of circling I wrote about in a message a few days ago. The recollection you had in seeing the place of the abuse in your life so clearly is one of the great first signs of real healing. Getting to the root of my own abuse situation set me free again.

So I think I know what you mean. Congratulations again!

Danny

ps: about the sa leads to good issue. I think we should keep in mind that the experiences we have become part of us, and if we come to good in the end it isn't in spite of something, it's because of how we handle the pain. Everyone has pain, whether "abuse" causes it or not. It seems to me that character is what we're talking about here. Having the strength to look into the pain and find the blessings that remain.
 
I understand completely what this post is about.... I had buried the memories of what happened and subconsiously I KNEW I had to deal with it at some point in my life.

It always seemed there was some dark date looming ahead.
 
For those who don't understand this post:

For years I was searching for something. I always felt that there was something just out of my reach that I was supposed to manifest in my life. I always thought it was some grand destiny.

It was my Holy Grail.

Yesterday I realized that the thing I could never grasp was the incest.

The search was over.

Of course one night later it is a major f-ing letdown. I mean all these years living through the messed up things, holding on to the hope that there was this thing out there that I would discover that would be great.... only to find out the very thing I was searching for is the thing that was causing a lot of my problems.

Even though I feel really bummed out about how my quest concluded, I am glad I finally know.

Thanks.
 
It is my belief that recovery, god willing, equals healing and that is always positive.

Originally posted by Brayton:
I think there may be something not exactly positive but useful in recovery. Once the SA has been committed, has been survived, and recovery has begun, perhaps there is spiritual growth which is stimulated by the process of healing.


Brett
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I don't mind being broken, it keeps me humble. And I'm quite proud of that too. Ha! Ha!
 
Lupin,

I am most interested in what you find in that "creativity room." My therapist has talked to me about finding out about the creative me that I left behind.
Could I suggest that one of the joys that lies ahead for you, Holy Grail, perhaps, could be the gift, talent that expresses your heart?

David
 
Actually, Lupin, beyond understanding what you're talking anout (which I do), I remember Shel Silverstein's book, "The Missing Peice."

The end of the quest is great, but sometimes the quest ITSELF is the prize. The quest for change, for taking back, all of it is the prize.

You have it. Keep getting it. That will be the most noble thing.

And you're a most noble guy! :D

By the way, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" is the funniest movie of all time. Don't let anyone tell you different. Now, if I were to ask what the Grail looks like, what would you say? "Oh, yes, it's very nice!" :D

Peace and love, my brother.

Scot
 
Lupin - I think I got it straight away....you are starting to understand yourself (why, how, where, when & who begin most questions)and how you have reacted to past events!

That understanding is 'your holy grail' ..it's not meant to imply that SA is a religious experience (we all know it's not).

Lupin - you sound as though you are ready to move on, make progress and look to the future ...I wish you every success.

Best wishes Rik.
 
Hello

My quest for the holy grail was complete once I found this website. I had been involved for decades in recovery work that did little but keep me chasing my tail. True, doing this work was important, because along the way I was finding real integration, which allowed me to see that there were more effective, healthy choices I could make that would increase my quality of life, and most likely therefore my quantity of life. Still, for me, the Male Survive experience provided the foil where I could finally address this granddaddy of all issues in my life. And this, for me, this is where the rubber meets the road.

MS gave me a platform from which to shout my rage, fear, anxiety, joy, hope and love. Had I not come here and been allowed this voice, (which ultimately empowered me to "get to the bottom of it" by confronting the system from which this dis-ease emerged, sucking the life out of me, and leaving me to die a slow cruel torturous death on the rocks where it dropped me), had I not been affirmed with love and compassion by all who had stepped through the door before me, had I not met a whole community of people whose positive loving voices I could replace with the negative ones which in times past refused me the right to registry of my complaint, had not all of these things happened through MS, then I would still be hovering in the minus side of zero.

God bless MS, for without it I would still be laboring in my search for the holy grail, trying to make the pieces fit, the pieces that I thought were mine, but were not. Now, on the plus side of zero, I deal with the issues I would have dealt with had my life not been interrupted. My life has not been made a bowl of cherries, but neither is it just a bowl of pits.

MS is a holy grail. It has made a profound difference in my life, your life, and it is even making a difference in the lives of all of the people in the world, even those who do not know of its existence.

Thanks to MS, I continue to drink deeply of this cup daily; I live and I celebrate the terrible, wonderful life to which I have been called, and rest in the assurance that someday all will unfold as intended.

Blessings,

Ron
 
Ron
thank you for being so supportive towards MS, I'm also convinced that it does a great job. We don't always get everything right - but we don't do that badly either.

Now, on the plus side of zero, I deal with the issues I would have dealt with had my life not been interrupted. My life has not been made a bowl of cherries, but neither is it just a bowl of pits.
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This experience of yours rings true for me as well. Over the last six months or so I seem to have become involved in crisis after crisis, it goes with the territory of having a huge family, as does my wife, so family issues have been causing both of us serious problems. Also we've lost some loved family, others are ill, and some are trying to defraud us out of large amounts of money !
But I deal with it.

I started therapy in 1999, and I know that if all this shite was happeneing to us / me back then, or I hadn't dealt with my abuse, I would be deep into my old defences and coping mechanisms by now - sexual acting out with strangers.

Now, I'm using all the stuff I have had to learn as a Survivor to deal with the other stuff.
What I'm doing now is "doing it right" - by that I mean I'm talking to lawyers and doctors, not beating the crap out of the 'fraudster' and avoiding my ageing parents health problems.
As a result of moving from victim to Survivor I have regained my self esteem and confidence. I have discovered that I do have a brain that works, I can make decisions. And most importantly - I'm as good as the next man ! better in fact than some.

The sad thing is, I could have been like this 31 years ago.

Dave
 
Lupin,

No matter what your holy grail was and is. I am glad you found something that brings you solitude.

I am in the mindset of Ron. MS has been my holy grail it has brought me much solitude. It has been the force behind the both physical and emotional healing I have done and will do. (It is always good to hear the insight of Ron, good to see you post again.)

Some days will be very bad and some very good.
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Yes, whether you are a victim of SA or not. It is something to remember and to not take personal. The bad days will pass and good days will replace them. And no matter what - the sun will rise every morning.

Take care and keep the solitude,
Bill

P.S. Scot is right about Monty Python and the Holy Grail being the funniest movie ever. Sorry Brian.
 
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