I've decided I am NOT a survivor....I'm just trapped!

I've decided I am NOT a survivor....I'm just trapped!
R

Redsongbird

Registrant
Sorry to anyone who reads this post. I am just so tired of trying to make myself feel better....I am tired of trying to be "right" and not mess things up ...only to do good for a while then just fall back down....tired of images lurking around in my head of abuse.....tired of seeing people who in my past have done me harm...tired of looking like I am alright.....

Sorry I just needed to put this out there...sorry

Tobey
 
Tobey, you've been here a lot longer than I have but I hope you remember and know that you can let all this stuff out here. No judgement, and no being told you should be over it.

You're accepted and loved here whatever shape you're in. I certainly understand all those feelings you've described.

As always, the strength from people like you telling it like it is is an encouragement to me. I'm not alone, I go through that stuff also.

No apologies neccesary. Thankyou for sharing.
 
AFRESH AND NEW

For years,
I tried to apply fresh coats of paint
on my broken walls.
Yet they all chipped off.
Leaving me bewildered and cold
for I no longer had anything to hold.

And then it struck me one day,
may be I havent removed the base coat,
that lay underneath it all.

So then n there, I decided
to scrape off all my walls
only the lessons would remain.

No memory of the past
would seep into my tomorrow.

Clearing the debris of the past,
I decided to build anew.

But I didnt show haste
I just lay still,
waiting for my Master
to come again
and plant my garden
with his fresh seeds of love.

Today my walls are clear
and await their fresh coat of paint.

Today my house is ready
to become a home.
 
Tobey,

It sounds like you are trying to "get over it", but of course it doesn't work that way. Morning Star's comparison to putting fresh paint on old damaged walls that aren't ready yet hits the nail right on the head.

Our cases are all different, but ultimately we have to find ways to do the same thing: face our issues and fears and deny what happened to us any further power to disrupt our lives.

Much love,
Larry
 
thanks for this post ,it helps so much to know that even people who are so much stronger than me sometimes just wanna say f-ck it!! it shows me i'm not the only one who feels like a roller coaster ,going up and down ,one day up next day down ,i hate to use the word but you have shown me what we both go through is[ normal] for people who been used so bad . shadow
 
Tobey,

It's OK to do good for a while and then fall down, OK to not look alright, OK to let go of the idea that you have to do things "right." We support and accept you just as you are.
 
I wan to thank you all for your post.

Grunty1967b - yes, my number is low here and sometimes I feel like I should be farther alone in this...and at times I am actually...but sometimes there are just those days....thank-you

MorningStar - that poem is awesome. I am going to copy it down and write it in my journal....I have thought about it quite a bit - thanks.

Andrew - I agree...thanks to you

Larry - I have thought that I have faced my issues...like you said we all have different stories so maybe I just need to face another part of mine....thanks

ShadowKid - I have never liked rollar coasters! Maybe I should ride it and get the fear over it? I don't know.....but thanks for your post

Authentic Me - acceptance....that word makes me want to cry actually when I think about it....thanks for your acceptance here for me and others.

Someone had on here one time in their signature something about if I fall 1000 times then I get up and dust my knees off one thousand and one times! Thats how I am feeling right now....just doing the dusting....getting my breath and going on .......

thanks everyone again.

Tobey
 
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