CarbonTiger

Registrant
The following contains trigger warnings. I sincerely apologize.


I've become more quiet this year because it's so loud in my head. My thoughts often run wild because reality is to much at times. My body is in pain more often than I'd like too. I think this is why I can cry more easily now, only when i'm in solitude. I try to let my tears come and go, so the energy moves through. I've noticed that I minimize my voice because I don't take up space. I'm shy too, if you can't tell. Timid at times and lonely at others.

I had therapy today and alas I cannot sleep. I was parked in front of a courthouse in town and had my therapy session over the phone. My T and I talked about that for a bit. He supported me as he usually does. I wish I could speak up for myself but I can't. I know this is in a way doing that. I remember being a kid getting into trouble, I would become quiet, reserved and sullen. I think the torture I suffered made me hate myself because my abuser was perpetuating it at me.

If you can imagine what a prisioner of war would go through, that's what I know is the moment that changed my life as a kid. The clothes on the floor. The locked bedroom door. The cigarette being burned into my leg. The threat to kill me. The suffocation as he straddled on top of me. This was all one moment, one memory that happened to me of several. As you get older the abuse grows.

"I survived that, little one." I can tell myself this. Hoping it sinks in to the part of me that I hide away.

I'm not trapped in that room anymore. I was inches away from being a ghost tied down to a place with evil intentions. I can still feel its wickedness. It reminds me that i'm nothing like that. I want to live, I deserve to be here.

I just don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to climb that tree anymore to be lonely. To imagine a world that gave a shit about me. (I know there are people in my life that do). I don't want to have a brain that is dysfunctional. I can be at peace with growing old. I suppose I need to accept everything I did and didnt do. My body has a hard time accepting that i'm supposed to be here.

I wish I didnt have to use any of these words to tell my story. I'm trying my best even if it scares me, makes me uncomfortable or cry tears of pain and sorrow. I miss the younger version of myself that smiled carefree. I'll try to smile more this weekend and be thankful for some of the things I have and carry w/me.

Thank you for reading a post by a really tired guy. Thank you to my T. You continue to support me every week knowing that you are saving my life.
 

Samson360

Registrant
Thanks for sharing. I can really relate to most of what you said. On top of the molestation I endured at a very young age, I was also cursed with a father that is far as I was concerned hated me. Constantly told me I was worthless, that I would never amount to anything and that I should never have been born. The dilemma is and I'm coming to believe it more and more is that the horrible verbal abuse by my father may very well have been worse than the molestation in terms of how I feel about myself even to this day. No lowlife should ever put their hands, in a sexual way, only little boy no more than a father should make his son feel worthless. After over 30 years of being in and out of therapy and reading the Bible and I guess just trying to figure myself out, I have come to the conclusion that I don't know anything about anything. One thing envious of you is that you are able to cry. I carry around so much mental anguish and a lot of anger to and I would give anything to have a really good cry. A cry of forgiveness to myself and somehow just let it all go. My best wishes to you my friend as we all, in one way or another, are working on ourselves every day
 

Jack090

Registrant
Hello CT thanks for sharing. What you are saying here really resonates with me. I also have these periods where I feel overwhelmed and exhausted from dealing with everything. I also have a lot of trouble speaking up and being honest with myself and others about my feelings and problems which only hinders my progress. I often find it difficult to put aside the thoughts in my mind and sleep or focus on my work. It is all so exhausting and seems like it will never end sometimes.

I'm currently doing a bit better recently and I remember you where always very supportive of me when I was having a difficult time. Just keep pushing ahead and I'm sure things will get better. In the mean time feel free to PM me if you want to vent or anything.

Your friend,
Jack
 

Harry

Registrant
CarbonTiger, our vulnerability is our strength.
Climb more trees, but not trees of psychosocial loneliness.
I appreciate your writing, man. I'm totally rooting for you.
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
Thanks for sharing. I can really relate to most of what you said. On top of the molestation I endured at a very young age, I was also cursed with a father that is far as I was concerned hated me. Constantly told me I was worthless, that I would never amount to anything and that I should never have been born. The dilemma is and I'm coming to believe it more and more is that the horrible verbal abuse by my father may very well have been worse than the molestation in terms of how I feel about myself even to this day. No lowlife should ever put their hands, in a sexual way, only little boy no more than a father should make his son feel worthless. After over 30 years of being in and out of therapy and reading the Bible and I guess just trying to figure myself out, I have come to the conclusion that I don't know anything about anything. One thing envious of you is that you are able to cry. I carry around so much mental anguish and a lot of anger to and I would give anything to have a really good cry. A cry of forgiveness to myself and somehow just let it all go. My best wishes to you my friend as we all, in one way or another, are working on ourselves every day

Let's break this curse, together. I'll help in whatever way I can. After that's done, we can talk and if you need to cry or a shoulder to lean on i'll be there.

I don't always get to cry because I bottle that emotion before it starts. Its become habitual to hide it away until i'm alone in my room. I was afraid to show weakness because I was already a weak kid. Active, thin, average, etc. I wasn't efiminate but I had tendencies, which made me a target for bullying.

best wishes to you as well friend. Thank you for replying and sharing with me.

Ct
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
Hello CT thanks for sharing. What you are saying here really resonates with me. I also have these periods where I feel overwhelmed and exhausted from dealing with everything. I also have a lot of trouble speaking up and being honest with myself and others about my feelings and problems which only hinders my progress. I often find it difficult to put aside the thoughts in my mind and sleep or focus on my work. It is all so exhausting and seems like it will never end sometimes.

I'm currently doing a bit better recently and I remember you where always very supportive of me when I was having a difficult time. Just keep pushing ahead and I'm sure things will get better. In the mean time feel free to PM me if you want to vent or anything.

Your friend,
Jack

I am too and i'm happy to hear this. "A bit better" is vague but I'm away from the places that constantly reminded me or horrible memories.

Message me anytime Jack, it was always great chatting with you. I often forget to respond to my posts and feel terrible. I guess I just try to be thoughtful in my replies, haha.

Take care bud,
Ct
 

CarbonTiger

Registrant
CarbonTiger, our vulnerability is our strength.
Climb more trees, but not trees of psychosocial loneliness.
I appreciate your writing, man. I'm totally rooting for you.

thank you, sometimes I wonder if the view is worth it. Its breathtakingly-peculiar in a way.

hmmm, I wonder if you said "root" on purpose or not. It made me smile either way. Its that time of year where the leaves are changing color. Its a favorite of mine. I'll be cheering and rooting for you too Harry,

Ct
 
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