Its time to say goodbye to my image of my mother
My mother. Those words hold such trauma for me, and such loneliness and silence. Lots of suffering in silence, unable to ask for help because there was no one for me to ask for help as a child, and because no one would believe me even if i had said something. My mother was known as Super-Mom. Somehow my mother fools everyone else it seems, as the wonderful nice lady who really feels deeply with you in the joyous or sad thing you tell her, and the one who's super interested in what you're telling her. She leaves you feeling, "wow, what a nice woman". Its unfortunate that its all a show. Shes the cruelest person I know, maybe even outdoing my father at times. There's something for me about rejection from a female that cuts deep until the core of my being. It feels like a vicious attack on my manhood. Like this woman is trying to belittle and crush me as much as she possibly can, and humiliate me as a nobody who's good at nothing at every second, and all while she'll pretend she did nothing to me, thus gaslighting me that im imagining having just been totally disregarded, and that im just imagining the emotional equivalent of having been slapped repeatedly across the face while my mother smiles at me. Shes perfect and the kindest soul of all time, so she couldnt possibly have just hurt me viciously with no restraint. She'll pretend every so often that "she cares about me and wants me to be happy", despite never doing anything to help me and watching me suffer for years on end with complete indifference, and constantly verbally attacking and discrediting me as an automatic response of hers, as if the idea of being nice to me is off the table, and is not even an option. I don't fall for her act any longer. As a kid, she was constantly controlling me in weird ways, and telling me to do strange things, and insisting I do things her way, and if I didnt, I would get severely emotionally abused and guilt tripped for being such a bad person and causing her pain and not doing her will, no matter how crazy it was. I always went along with her, because I was desparate to be loved, and my father would barely even look at me as a kid. So I became a puppet of hers. Im tired of playing nice with her, it feels like she just continues to abuse me, and use me, and not take me seriously as a person, and human being. I feel like my mother barely knows the most basic things about me, and my personality. She has conjured some weird childish image of me, and knows some odd unimportant facts about me, but it has zero to do with me in reality as a man and as an adult. She gets to live out some weird fantasy of also being a mother, and also using me as a surrogate husband, and surrogate man to crush to a pulp, because she cant do that with my father, because he's violent and crushes her, but she really wishes she could deal a death blow to all men. My mother has always felt apathy towards me. I was desparate for her to like me/love me, but she was always so cold, distant and uninterested in me, simultaneously pretending she wanted connection but then pushing me away vigorously. I've been left confused, exhausted and very sad because of things she's done to me, or hasn't done for me which i really needed badly at critical points in my life when i had no one else to help me, and believe me i asked for her help. I want to just let her go, and not fixate any longer on anything to do with her. I want to move on. I deserve not to be abused emotionally, sexually (at least in an emotional incest type of way), or otherwise. She'll have to deal with her own problems. I cant fix her, and im wasting my time giving her any of my heart and headspace. Shes dealt me enough anguish for a lifetime. I want to move on. Thats my prayer, to just put her in my past, and move on and rebuild my life with other people who really care about me. That concept is foreign to me, because my own mother refuses to care about me, and is constantly just taking from me, but never giving me anything substantial back. I want to have someone actually be joyful when im around, as opposed to them constantly being irate and snarling about how dumb and useless I am, and all the things she thinks are wrong with me. I feel like im stuck as a kid trying to get my mother to pay any attention to me, but I want to be free of needing her love, and then getting stuck endlessly. I kind of feel like a bad person writing this, and that im not allowed to be angry, and that I have to be nice. But im entitled to my feelings, and these are them. And it hurts to see how hard ive worked to get her love, but that it was a waste of my time and effort. None of my slavery to her will did anything to get her to actually like me. The prospect of her loving me was a sham. I want to grieve not having had a mother, and I hope to move on at some point. Maybe im being too harsh and not giving her any credit at all, but these feelings also exist for me.
