It's taken ages to admit that I've been raped. [**Trigger Warning, NSFW**]

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SomethingNew809

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**Trigger warning**
**NSFW**

The first time I was raped was during a hookup in my 20s. I gave him head at the beach then we went back to his place. I tried to be clear that I would most likely not be able to go all the way; receiving anal sex was often too painful for me in those days. Back at his apartment he tried to fuck me. I almost immediately reached my limit and asked for him to stop. He continued to fuck me despite my cries and protests. He kept saying it would feel a lot better if I just relaxed. He only stopped once I began to bleed. I've only just recently learned that this was rape. For over a decade, I thought this was how sex is supposed to be. I spent the next three years identifying as asexual because I thought sex would always be painful for me.

More recently (March, now in my 30s) I was hooking up with two friends of mine—an older married couple that I’ve been seeing periodically for a few years. They are both tops. Sometimes we fuck, often we do everything but. We always spend time talking and catching up. I’ve never gotten a bad vibe from them, which stands at odds with my experience this night in March. I distinctly remember stating several times, with verbal confirmation from the guys, that anal was off the table. While one of these men had me pinned/distracted from the chest up, the other guy managed to get inside of me three separate times (fingers once, unprotected dick twice). I pulled him out the first two times and verbally reminded him not to. That third time, however, he fucked me properly. He kept saying how great it felt. I couldn’t get the other guy out of my mouth to say “stop!” Because I care about these guys, I’m finding it very difficult to acknowledge the pain they have caused me. I’m performing mental gymnastics to spare this guy the label he earned: rapist. I haven't seen them or talked to them since.

Thank you for reading my post. I have a few other experiences like this, but these are the two that have hit me the hardest. I’m meeting with a counselor in a couple months. I appreciate any pointers you may have.
 
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