It's not that I want to die...

It's not that I want to die...
S

survive75

Registrant
I remember saying these words to my mother the first time I tried to commit suicide when I was 17. "It's not that I want to die, it's that I just don't want to be in this pain anymore."

I came so close last night to checking out. And again, it wasn't that I wanted to die. I just don't want to live with the fear anymore.

It's a long, strange story but I accidentally ran into my stepdad's current wife yesterday. I am terrified because he'll know where I work now. I am jumpy as fuck today. And last night... god, last night the flashbacks started and the fact that he has kids now is weighing on me. I feel responsible that I should tell so that they don't have to suffer. He is an abusive fuck who doesn't deserve to be around children. He destroys and abuses everyone he comes into contact with.

I have an emergency appointment with my therapist tonight. But I can't stop thinking about suicide. I hate that it always seems like such a valid option to me. You'd think after two hellish stays in the hospital for attempts in the past, I wouldn't even consider it. But the fear... god, the fear of this man...

It's killing me because I have been doing so well... I was so glad that I didn't act out last weekend. And now I just can't stop thinking about ways to escape this dread, this fear that I'm going to get in trouble now. It's like I am a little kid again.
 
My friend,

This is the truth about most suicides. We just want an end to this frigging pain.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this crap. I'm sorry that this has brought the abuse back to you, and that it's made you feel scared.

You aren't that child anymore, though. Oh yeah, you feel like it, but you aren't small and weak anymore. You aren't the victim of this animal anymore. You are a good person who had this garbage foisted on you, but you have survived and you have become STRONG because of your survival.

If these morons prove to become a nuisance to you, you can get a restraining order and have them arrested the second they violate it. I don't have such a high opinion of these things (they've failed so many others), but when used properly, they can be a tool to rob THEM of their power, and make THEM the object of ridecule. They deserve that.

Also, it's NOT your responsibility if this idiot is hurting children. You are responsible for what YOU do, not what they do. If it's good for YOU, report the bastard, but not if it's going to further traumatize YOU.

I want you to know, Sean, that I'm thinking about you today. If you need me, PM me.

I love you, my good friend.

Scot
 
Survive75

Sometimes fighting/resisting the pain can be even more painful than the pain we try to avoid.
You seem aware that it's not you you want to kill but the pain, I hope you will be able to let some of this pain out during your emergency session. You have already let some out here.

I too have attempted suicide and would only talk about the pain after the attempt, in recovery I talk about the pain straight away and I have not wanted to kill myself all this time, keep talking.

Warm hug
Heart
 
Sean I too have tried that route. As you can see I was not sucessful. The one time that I thought that I was sucessful I never wanted to live more than I did right then.

You said about your stepdad.
He is an abusive fuck who doesn't deserve to be around children. He destroys and abuses everyone he comes into contact with.
Click to expand...
And you are absolutely right. If you take the route you have avoided it means that that abusive fuck wins. In my case there is no way in hell my perps are gonna win EVER!!!! Think about that when the committee of assholes in your brain start down that road again.
 
Sean,

I was very worried about you when you left the chat room. I'm glad you made it through the night.

I echo what has been posted. You're not responsible for his actions. Speak out against him if it will help you but not if it will cause you more trama.

Try to avoid the suicide route. I've been there and it's a very difficult place but you can be strong and stay away from it. You can't let him win.

You have friends and support here. Please always remember that.

Dave
 
Sean,

sorry this is happening, I am also glad you made it without getting out.

I agree with the above, you must keep yourself safe, but it is difficult, to know this abuser still has access to kids.

I know the anguish, you must be feeling, I need to report him, but what if I do? Then, you feel, but what about these kids, he is with. It's difficult, but only you know how to go about it.

My gut reaction, is to show him no mercy and "out him", before he makes more victims, but your safety is the one we care about here.

take care

ste
 
Sean,

I hope your session helped.

I remember talking to the police when I finally wrote to them about the bastard raping me as a kid. I was so afraid that the Trooper would tell him that I had reported it. The idea that he would find out where I lived drove me crazy. I have children to protect here, so I was worried about what I would do to him if he ever showed up.

Has he ever made attempts to find you or harrass you since you have been away? You can use information like that to get a restraining order if you have to. If he has not tried, then there's a good chance that he's afraid the adult you would kick his ass or turn him in.

Sean, you have proven here time and time again what a good man you are. You can get through this without hurting yourself. You have the strength to hang on and the courage to choose something difficult just because it's the right thing. We believe in you, and we're here to support you.

Be good to yourself.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Sean,

I have tried, significant attempts, at suicide several times. And yet, even knowing the pain and (for me) shameful and embarrassing outcome, my thoughts still go there at times. Even as recently as few weeks ago.

I think that very few people want to 'die'. I do not think that persons attempting this, they are thinking 'This is what I think death is, and this is what I want'. As was said earlier, I think what we are seeking is release from pain, relief in general. But, I think to experience relief, we have to be in the same consciousness. How do we know we have that in next 'place' we go? We would have to be in the same mind to know that relief.

I hope that your 'emergency appointment' helped you. I am glad that your therapist is available for that, and that you recognized your need for it and used it. Please try to take good care of yourself and keep yourself safe.

Leosha
 
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