It's not easy for me to be here
Being here is easier than where I have been for a long time, alone and hurting. I have never made contact with other men seeking to recover from sexual abuse by another man.
This is the first time I've posted a message here. I've been hanging around the chat room a little and observing the people there and observing myself.
One thing I've noticed is that I feel very anxious about doing this and I feel doubt about whether I can have trust in this process.
But like I said, living without contact with my peers (men who have suffered sexual abuse) no longer works for me. I came here at the advice of my therapist whom I met through a gay mens group he leads.
I am a middle aged gay man. I started to become aware of the abuse in my past and present while learning how to live without drugs and alcohol.
I have been abused and abused myself many times.
The abuse that continues to affect me the most was when I was 15 and met a man at a religious summer camp. I was already on my own and I thought that he was helping me because he felt compassion for my situation. I have begun to understand that he instead saw my situation as an opportunity--that many defenses that other boys had were not present in my life. I lived with this man for several years in the context of our religious community. No one ever noticed anything weird about a teenage boy living with a 55 year old man in a one bedroom apartment with only one bed.
I was convinced that we were really lovers--though he acted like a parent, by providing shelter, food etc. I always thought that I had left him behind, because I got older. The truth is he left me, because I got older--too old.
He died last November-a moment that I've been waiting for a long time--and they published a glowing obituary of him in our national religious newspaper. I guess his death was the last thing I was holding on to hoping would change or make it all go away. But it didn't. Instead it intensified the pain, anger and sense of betrayal that has poisoned my life ever since I met him.
I still try to be active in my faith community but it is hard because they believe homosexuality is not appropriate and I know that only fuels the self hatred and scornful regret that I feel.
I have been sober and clean now for almost 11 years. I became aware of the abuse in my life at about 2 years sober when certain things in my personal inventory didn't add up. I was leading a meeting on sexual inventory work (4th step) when I remembered how degraded I had felt when my abuser and one of his pals were discussing trading me for a weekend with another young guy.
That really let the cat out of the bag---and I have learned that once you've had a cat in a bag, chances the cat's going to be really pissed off when he gets out, do some damage and be really hard to get back in.
One of the characteristics I share with men like us, is a tendency to either isolate and close up the truth about myself or to engage in inappropriate, premature self-disclosure that leaves me feeling over exposed and painfully vulnerable that leads to withdrawal and retreat into the desperate loneliness that I have lived.
I have spent the last year undergoing treatment for a serious illness and have been rendered less than as active physically as I am accustomed to. During this time I have come to believe in the importance of living in the present with love and compassion for myself. That's why I am here. The men in my gay group therapy sessions want to understand but I still get the feeling that they think I should perhaps just move on and get over it. They don't say that--that's just the echo of my own voice that still believes that somehow I caused this, I can control it alone or that I should be able to cure myself.
Thanks to the guys I've briefly met in the chat room. Thanks for the hellos.
I apologize for having written such a long first message. I have been feeling very anxious and upset since I first found this website and began participating. I hope now that I will begin to feel more like a part of.
Thanks for reading.
Danny
This is the first time I've posted a message here. I've been hanging around the chat room a little and observing the people there and observing myself.
One thing I've noticed is that I feel very anxious about doing this and I feel doubt about whether I can have trust in this process.
But like I said, living without contact with my peers (men who have suffered sexual abuse) no longer works for me. I came here at the advice of my therapist whom I met through a gay mens group he leads.
I am a middle aged gay man. I started to become aware of the abuse in my past and present while learning how to live without drugs and alcohol.
I have been abused and abused myself many times.
The abuse that continues to affect me the most was when I was 15 and met a man at a religious summer camp. I was already on my own and I thought that he was helping me because he felt compassion for my situation. I have begun to understand that he instead saw my situation as an opportunity--that many defenses that other boys had were not present in my life. I lived with this man for several years in the context of our religious community. No one ever noticed anything weird about a teenage boy living with a 55 year old man in a one bedroom apartment with only one bed.
I was convinced that we were really lovers--though he acted like a parent, by providing shelter, food etc. I always thought that I had left him behind, because I got older. The truth is he left me, because I got older--too old.
He died last November-a moment that I've been waiting for a long time--and they published a glowing obituary of him in our national religious newspaper. I guess his death was the last thing I was holding on to hoping would change or make it all go away. But it didn't. Instead it intensified the pain, anger and sense of betrayal that has poisoned my life ever since I met him.
I still try to be active in my faith community but it is hard because they believe homosexuality is not appropriate and I know that only fuels the self hatred and scornful regret that I feel.
I have been sober and clean now for almost 11 years. I became aware of the abuse in my life at about 2 years sober when certain things in my personal inventory didn't add up. I was leading a meeting on sexual inventory work (4th step) when I remembered how degraded I had felt when my abuser and one of his pals were discussing trading me for a weekend with another young guy.
That really let the cat out of the bag---and I have learned that once you've had a cat in a bag, chances the cat's going to be really pissed off when he gets out, do some damage and be really hard to get back in.
One of the characteristics I share with men like us, is a tendency to either isolate and close up the truth about myself or to engage in inappropriate, premature self-disclosure that leaves me feeling over exposed and painfully vulnerable that leads to withdrawal and retreat into the desperate loneliness that I have lived.
I have spent the last year undergoing treatment for a serious illness and have been rendered less than as active physically as I am accustomed to. During this time I have come to believe in the importance of living in the present with love and compassion for myself. That's why I am here. The men in my gay group therapy sessions want to understand but I still get the feeling that they think I should perhaps just move on and get over it. They don't say that--that's just the echo of my own voice that still believes that somehow I caused this, I can control it alone or that I should be able to cure myself.
Thanks to the guys I've briefly met in the chat room. Thanks for the hellos.
I apologize for having written such a long first message. I have been feeling very anxious and upset since I first found this website and began participating. I hope now that I will begin to feel more like a part of.
Thanks for reading.
Danny
Mark Twain is credited with saying, "The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful." Ain't that the truth?
