It's just about to get me

i am writing while i wait to go see my therapist. i am going to an aa clubhouse soon because i just don't want too die. stuff is just overtqaking me at a rate that i am failing to maintain. i just cry and pray and boy am i alone..it just hurts i am am so scared...god i think any of me is just melted and i am raw..i just want to be removed..how can anybody do this to someone i don't know i try to be so good and that never matters to anyone either. i just knew during the night i was going to start digging on me again. i had all th tingles but i prayed and walked and cryed and it stoped. i don't like that and once you start a place you just can'y leave it alone and it hurts and hurts untill it is bleed out.. ifeel i am worse knowing what i am doing than doin g it sometimes

 

[dbr1955]

Hi

doug here, I know I hate the feelings too, michael , the fears, the parnoia, it is shitty, I will pray for you , and I hope things get better, Im crying now too, just the thought that I have so much baggage to deal with , sometimes it just doesnt seem fair, does it?

doug

thanks for your friendship

 

[michaelb]

michael......it sounds like you feel the way i do.....i pray each night that i will die in my sleep.....i wish my uncle would have killed me back then, it would have been so much easier than this.....at least you have a therapist to see......i tested my therapist a couple of months ago to see if he really cared about me...i called and cancelled our future sessions...i was so hoping he would call me because he cared.....not a word....i even left him a message a couple of weeks ago to see if i might be able to go back.....again no response......i guess he never really cared at all....just another case of being let down by somebody i cared about....how bad must i be to even drive away a therapist after 5 months......i know i will not survive this, i keep trying to muster the courage to slit my wrists.....but everytime i start, it hurts so much....i'm not afraid of dying......i'm afraid of continuing to live with this unbearable pain....if your therapist cares about you trust them....i wish i could help you....if you'd like to talk, e-mail me at [email protected] care of yourself........michael

 

I waent to 2 aa clubhouses and sat in the parking lot in case i needed someone..it felt safe..i went to my therapist i had called. he wanted me to come. he spent over 2 hours with me at no charge. This man truly cares about me. I am just in a place right now. I feel the whole world of juggling balls i have kept going is up over me susupended. I can't juggle anymore and time stands still as i ponder.