It's Hard to Remember...

It's Hard to Remember...
B

Ben

New Registrant
I started "recovery" when I was 16. It was then that I wound up in a hospital for attempting to end my life. Since then, I've been through 5 years of therapy and 10 years of various support groups, concurrently.

I've worked so hard on my healing journey. I'm tired. Though I've worked through a huge number of issues, and am more functional than I ever thought possible, I still need the company of other survivors. There is a common language, understanding and sacred fraternity of hope that I thought I could do with out. I was wrong.

I have met some wonderful men here. My heart sings again with the benefits of community that I've described. I don't feel so alone and misunderstood in the world around me any more.

But I have lost a sensitivity that I once had. I have lost much of the appreciation of the things that I have gone through, and I'm sad. My expectations of a survivor that has just begun the journey of healing are much too high. I've been having trouble relating to my fellow survivors because I have been expecting people to be at the same level of healing as me. That is so wrong.

Coming to terms with my mistake also revealed my lack of ability to relate. I suppose this is just a warning. I'm struggling with what a relationship between survivors at various places on the journey should look like.

I'm hoping I can remember better where I've been.

For those who have been on the journey awhile, I'm interested in your feedback. For everyone else, I apologize in advance.

Ben
 
Ben, not to sure where you're coming from here because you did awesome in our chat tonight. You are a million miles advanced from me in healing but you didn't hesitate to reach out and offer one of the greatest gifts, the gift of hope. And that's something that is in desparate, short supply for all of us especially those of us at the beginning of the climb...

Brother, you relate just fine....

party-smiley-020.gif
 
Ben: Listen to Al. I could not have said it better. Now I am 62 and been in healing since I was 56. Do I have set backs. You bet I do. Am I impatient. You bet I am.

When I first started I thought it would be like taking penicillin for a week and bingo I would be fine. What a f**king let down when I found out there was no magic pill.

Now I know that I will heal as will everyone else here. We are all travelling the road togethter and some will take longer than others to get there because we are all different and our issues are unique to ourselves.

Do not think for one minute that you offend or dont belong. You dont and you do. Al said you were great in chat and I trust his judgement.

The healing process must be looked on as a journey. But what a place we will be at when we get there. And even if it hurts sometimes along the route; as I have said before it is 1000 times better than it was.

Also remember that we all have different expectations. You have not lost your sensitivity. Look at your post if you believe that. The important thing that you bring is another viewpoint and another voice to the brotherhood that you have found here.

Also the realization that you are not alone ever again no matter where you are on the healing road.
 
Ben
I've been in therapy for about 5 years, stopped acting out for about 4 years. And I think I'm doing OK - a few bad days and some ongoing problems I admit. But a world away from where I was.

Somedays I feel kinda odd though, and it's hard to put my finger on why ?
The best answer I have come up with so far is that I've changed so much and the people around me are still the same.
So I nowhave different ideas, ideals, goals and all kinds of things. I think and behave differently, people I haven't seen since I started recovery have commented on it, so I must have changed noticably.

Now some of the people I have known for a long time are no longer "my kind of people" and we have drifted apart, not fallen out or anything, but we have less in common I suppose.
And it's true for other things as well, what I read, watch on TV and how I spend my time.

I'm just getting used to this stuff, and it's slow and scary at times.
Sometimes I just stare into the mirror in the morning asking "who the hell is that man ?"

Dave
 
Dave: Well said.
Who the hell is that man
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At least it has changed from what a loser, creep, useless piece of shit etc etc etc.

So you are well on your journey and that is great. But you also help a lot of others not as fortunate and that is invaluable
 
This is the first time I've ever found any other survivors so forgive me for being too indulgent plz.

I have been trying to recover for about 17-18 years now I think. I am tired also. I didn't know that others felt that way. My family has a predisposition to develop epilepsy in individuals who have severe trauma. Every time I have a seizure it's a reminder for me how I failed personally to deal effectively with all of this. That is another can of worms though.

I've seen a couple therapists and they helped. At first I tried to refuse often to believe it even happened; they helped me get over that part. They were all women therapists b/c I deal with women better when talking about these things. But b/c they were women they didn't know some of the unqiue issues that you all know I am sure. However it was still worth it b/c I feel less 'on trial' w/ them.


I also tried to kill myself and was in a coma for about a month. You think I would have hated the whole ordeal (the conscious parts afterwards I mean) but it was not bad at all. It really shifted the focus for a while. I failed at that too, but that's good thing I suppose.

Some of my family members have made things more difficult and I finally got up the courage recently to not speak with those individuals anymore. It seems like a small thing for the avg person I would guess, but it was difficult for me (and if you met my family...)

I am not saying I am not fortunate though. I am pretty secure financially (it all depends on what you need, right?), and I have members of my family who love me and don't pressure me, so I do have a bit of a support system

But there is one thing that I am a little scared to say that I am having issues with. I don't think I could say this in a group therapy setting, only behind the wall of relative anonymity. I am not good at relationships or intimacy. I don't see myself getting over that. If I had a magic genie and only one wish, I would wish I could get a handle on that. I can't talk to any friends/family b/c of the reaction I would receive, and certainly no friends of my own age.

In sum, I feel like I'm treading water and I'm only above water b/c I'm kicking my legs as furiously as I can. I wonder sometimes if I'll just get so tired that I'll just let myself slip under. It often seems like it would be easier.
 
RM

I feel like I'm treading water and I'm only above water b/c I'm kicking my legs as furiously as I can. I wonder sometimes if I'll just get so tired that I'll just let myself slip under. It often seems like it would be easier.
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What might seen easier to you is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. No matter how bad you feel it has to be better than it was before therapy.

I am 62 RM and have been haunted by my past since I was 16 until I sought help at 56. Now I relize that none of it was my fault.

Do I still have issues around intimacy and relationships. Yes I do but if the truth were known I think that most people have the same problem whether the are survivors or not. I just have to work harder on those things. I have learned not to rush anything because each issue has it's own time frame.

Wish there was a magic pill. But in a way there is. IT is within us and the brothers that you will find here. We help each other and you will find that we are a loving and caring family.

So stick with us.
 
But there is one thing that I am a little scared to say that I am having issues with. I don't think I could say this in a group therapy setting, only behind the wall of relative anonymity. I am not good at relationships or intimacy. I don't see myself getting over that. If I had a magic genie and only one wish, I would wish I could get a handle on that. I can't talk to any friends/family b/c of the reaction I would receive, and certainly no friends of my own age.
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RP, men usually are scared to say they are having issues with intimacy, or that they even think about it. That you are doing so, even on an online forum, shows a lot of courage.

Trust me on this: You are not alone in this. Most modern societies in themselves do not do much to foster intimacy, with all the emphasis on individualism.

Especially men, who are supposed to be the rugged independent individualists.

Male survivors, I'm finding, are often especially fearful of intimacy, frequently equating it with abuse, since most have been abused by people they were supposed to have been able to be intimate with.

Me I was sexually & otherwise abused thruout virtually all of my childhood, all by or becuz of people I should have been able to be intimate with, most of all my mother, perp #1.

I'm just recovering from being scared to death of intimacy--and I've been married 23 years to a very loving woman. I still don't know how to be intimate, but I'm working on it and it's worth it.

Nope, I haven't found the magic genie or "instant intimacy injection" yet.

But by learning to love myself I'm learning to give love to & receive love from others.

Enuf to say with confidence that I'm getting over my "inability" to be intimate.

Does that mean you can? That's up to you fellow survivor.

I think if I can, anybody can!

Victor

P.S.--Some links to other recent threads on this site about intimacy that might be helpful:

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001446#000002

https://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001647#000009
 
5 YEARS????????????? 10 YEARS??????????????????? i've been trying it for 2 and i'm ready to give up...just cannot face living in this pain and turmoil much longer, let alone another 3 years...DO YOU REALLY THINK IT IS WORTH IT??????? WHY???????...just do not see much hope anymore.....michael
 
I been trying to heal for several years now. It actually started in 1991 for me. Is it worth it.. tough question to ask and I know I would have answered it many different ways through out where I have come through.

My life has finally opened up in the past few years.

I now have a partner that I have been with over three years.

I now am beginning to discover who I am or on the way to finding out what really lies inside of me. This has brought me into the massage therapy school and will probably take me to get my master's degree in counseling and where ever else.

I now have begun to trust myself in my music and what is deep inside of me so that I can create that which I did not know existed. This has resulted in me putting a cd together of my music and sharing it with the world.

I now have begun to see things clearer in the rear view mirror and so it has allowed me to put my words over the years into a booklet format and offer that to the world.

I now can focus more in life on what I need, desire or want in my life as the picture is much clearer than it once was. I try to meet those needs much more than putting them off. I try to understand those needs now rather than not even being aware of them all.

Are there times that I still struggle through many issues in my life. Yes there definately are. Not every day is a rose garden without storms for me. But I find now that the storms help the sun to come back out sooner and the flowers now grow. Even with the struggles, I am finally experiencing things in my life that I never knew I would, or I could or I would want to. These things make my life what it is today and unfortunately the abuse from long ago, has helped me to get to this point.

I don't know what life holds for me in the future or what steps I will take next, but for once in my life, the good is outweighing all the pain.

It does take patience with one's self, perserverance, a kick butt attitude and just never allow yourself to give up. Sometimes it requires that we take a rest as well.

And believe me, it hasn't been easy. I was paralyzed, went through anxiety attacks, depression, suicide, nightmares, the loss of my mother, the loss of jobs, personal bankruptcy, anger, .....

but you've got to keep going... the storms will pass.
 
Don,
That's such a great and inspiring post. It made me really happy to read it.

RP and everyone else,
Intimacy is something I haven't even begun to tackle yet. And it is a huge mountain for me. However, I do believe that this is an issue whose time has come. The challenges are immense but what other choice do I have? None. I just have to figure out where to start. Any ideas?
mike
 
Mike: Intimacy is a huge issue for all of us. If you are ready to tackle it the first thing you have to do is trust someone completely. You had trust before you were abused and that trust was destroyed. It is a scary thing to do for all of us.

But it is important that you do it. You will feel you are standing on quick sand but that will pass. Just be sure of the other person.

Let them know the issues that it involves and be patient with yourself. It will not happen overnight. You should start slowly and safely for yourself and the other person. Do not be afraid to stumble. It has been a long time for you. And be gentle with yourself

Intimacy involves caring sharing and comfort. It is a huge step to take but well worth it believe me. My prayers are with you brother. Keep us informed.

Mike
 
Intimacy - opening up completely to someone. Scares me even to write it. But we must try to get there. And acknowledging has to be part of it, right?

Don - man, you are truly inspirational.

Michaelb - {{{safe hugs}}}

Mikechurch - you are a cool guy.

Sleepy - I have no magic pellet for intimacy as I struggle too. But I have tried, at the moment of feeling like I want to withdraw, to do the exact opposite. I reach out, just a little...it sdoesn't always work, and I definitely don't always remember, but it has given some comfort to try.

and to all my brothers I say...
Peace,
James

I hope you will check out my poem, "The Water." It may offer an alternative to treading water...
 
"Is it worth the effort ?"

That's like asking "what's the meaning of life ?"
For me it's got to be "yes" , because I can now cope with my life. Maybe not perfectly, intimacy is still a big problem for me, but at least I go out of the door in the morning and go to work, I do what 'normal' people do for the most part.

Before I started recovery I just could not cope, I pretended I could and relied on my wife, family and friends. But as soon as something stressfull came along ( by that I mean things that most people just deal with ) I would make excuses, deliberatly fuck it up until someone else did it, and then I would retreat into my comfort behaviours like acting out.

So I have to "yes, it's worth it", but we have to start at the beginning and build on it. I remember a one time member 'Broken' saying something like -
"today dental hygeine, tomorrow the world !"

Dave

:D
 
I started a new thread on intimacy. I thought it would be better to start a whole new one than continue it here.
mike
 
every day is just more painful than the one before...i thought it might get easier in time, but time is unkind, it just makes things harder to deal with and it reminds me that i'm even failing at recovery....i'm just not able to deal with any more pain....just want to escape into my imaginary world where bad things do not happen to little boys.....michael
 
MichaelB
You are a survivor and give yourself credit for thst strength. I know it is easy to say bad times will pass and hard to make happen.


Mike it may seem like you are failing at recovery and I think we all do at some time or another. We live in the instant time now. Anything that takes a while we become impatient with. And I think that happens a lot to survivors; mainly because it is so painful

But it will take time and a lot of work. But Mike you are not doing it alone any more. You have your brothers here and in chat. Talk about the issues you have and we collectively will try to help you find your way through them. We here have all seen Hell and it aint pretty. But in all my life I have never seen a bunch of people so willing to support each other in our individual journeys.

It takes a lot of courage to ope up here mike but I have seen you do it. Believe me you can lean on our shoulders any time you want.
 
Michael,
I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but as I read your last post on this thread, I was thinking... but you are healing... you're making it.. why do I say that? Glad you asked. You are able to see things that for many years I couldn't even see. At one time I couldn't even utter the words that I had been abused. It took me being paralyzed and many other things that followed to wake me up. You are light years ahead of me when I first started my path of healing. In order to heal, you have to see what you are trying to heal.. and it sounds like you are doing that to me.

I do know it is tough and the only thing I can continue to remind others of is to keep going. You're on a journey and the road isn't very smooth. But don't stop, keep traveling... At some point, it will get easier... I know, I've been there... but you have to keep going.

And sometimes the imaginary world is a good place to escape as long as we realize it is only temporary and it is imaginary.

But hang in there... this world needs each one of us that have been through these horrors... and remember that together we are much more stronger than we are apart....

So here is my hand,,, take it and hang on as long as you need to...
 
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