It's Been Awhile ***Trigger Warning***

[1islandboy]

Can you blame me. I went away trying to enjoy life. It's been a while since I have been here. And where is here, you might ask? Well, this is my journal. Having PTSD and being disorganized, I had to find a way. No more buying journals only to lose them.

The Real Subject: The Neck

Yeah, it holds your head on. I am a former wrestler, I would say mine is built up.

Ultimate Clarity: I was addicted to nicotine for 25 plus years ( certainly bad for you, but I also believe, this is a really handy of way of emotionally stuffing). I also have substantial asbestos exposure. You could say, my lungs are scarred. This in itself causes anxiety. (respiratory, circulation anxiety to thinking). chronic fatigue.

I have occupational hearing loss (plus I probably listened to a few to many songs a little too loud, trying to cope). As a result I have constant ringing known as tinnitus. What is worse is I have a condition known as hyperacusis. My high end is totally fried, so as a result of the unpredictable sound of the world, Most of my waking moments I am wearing Earmuffs like an ass clown. co-morbid anxiety further reducing concentration.

This is all linked with my PTSD. So as I see it, I have multi creational of anxieties mixed with a condition where I don't process stress (anxiety) in my body well,

As a result I function at a very basic level.

Which leads my back to the subject at hand.

I am way more emotionally fragile, as my brain itself, my lung and my ears,
tear at the fabric of my mind.

So my hyper vigilance is back. Back are the eyes of predator and prey. Which leads me back to the ultimate truth. For it is the vulnerability in your neck, as it was my neck.

For me this body part is extremely triggering, and I can't get away from it. There is a part of me that is forever damaged When I have flashbacks now, it blows up my mind how unprepared I was as a little boy and how unprepared ,I am now. But at least now I can at least name it. It is called "F*ce F*cking".

I am glad, I have tools of my older self to face it now. That being said,there is a part of this where we are alone, and have to deal with it by ourself. It's just me and the dragon. It is here where it is so damn triggering.

I don't have the convenience of escaping that reality. When the flashbacks come, it locks my neck up solid. Super hard to eat.

This is so crazy. I don't know where I am going with this, but it is all too real.


Its Been Awhile (Staind)

island

 

[Bluedogone]

You were unprepared as a little boy to deal with such damnable experiences. Even when you didn't know what it was called, it was still too much to bear. {{{{{1islandboy}}}}}

Sometime it must seem like it's just you and the dragon, but I'm glad you returned here so you'll know without a doubt you're not alone at those times when the reality of the "little boy you" wonders - why me. It's not fair to have PTSD plus all the other physical problems you're experiencing, PLUS all the emotional baggage you still have from the childhood abuse. Some of us deal with a lot more, and some, including me, have to deal with so much less. But regardless of what healing stage we are in, we share your frustration and anger.

Calling abuse by a specific name in no way diminishes how tragic and traumatic it was to that little boy, but hopefully it will lessen the emotional impact it has on the adult you, both emotionally and physically.

Heal well.

CJ