It's been a while.

cyrus222

New Registrant
I don't know, or really remember if I posted a introduction, or really if I am posting in the correct channel. I just really needed to go somewhere, and speak, I guess?

All my life, it seems like I've been hurt in one way or another. When I was a child, things happened to me in school by another student. I guess that's where it all started? Or maybe it started when my mother walked out on me as a child. Regardless I struggled with that for years, and years. It was just pushed under the rug like it never happened. It took years, and years to confront my father about that incident, and the only thing he could muster was a shrug of shoulders and a "what were we suppose to do, he was your age?"

I shouldn't expected anything more from him due to the fact that I've been more of a father than he has to me.

But that isn't really what I'm here for. It's the constant nightmares of my ex. You see I met her online, and things seemed great. She was victim abuse, like me, so we connected in our pain of tramua. Her's was a different experience, but a traumatic incident regardless. I'm never one to call someone a liar or ever think that they may be fabricating things, but looking back on things now, I can't help but she was more like a snake blending colors so I could feel safe.

We got married, and it was great until then. After that, it was like night and day, things changed. She made me feel so small. I cooked, cleaned, worked, took care of the bills, EVERYTHING and yet it still wasn't enough. She soon got addicted to pain killers, and started to hit me, to say things like I'm the reason why she got addicted which--I don't even understand why, or how? I never drank, I never did drugs, I barley took ibuprofen.

There was some nights where I just wanted to stay because, I knew it was safer. I thought about killing myself, but I was scared that she would be where ever I would go after life. For years I stood with her, until I finally just took everything and left, and never looked back.

But she always stayed, paying rent free in my head y'know? I see her in the corners of my eyes, I go to sleep and she's there too, waiting for me. It took me years to get a divorce, because I was scared she would find out where I lived. I feel so weak, and powerless. People look at her and they are like "why are you scared of THAT?"

But they don't understand how she can be. What all she did to me, what all she said to me. I tried to confront her one day on these things, when we first broke and she told me that it was okay because all her sins are forgiven, because she was "saved by jesus christ."

Well good for fucking you, you know?

Since then it seems like the only thing that makes me feel like me again, is liquor. My girlfriend now, she's a pillar that helps me a lot, and loves me for me, but I can't help but feel like a burden sometimes.

Homelessness.
Abuse.

Everything in my life up till now, I just--I just don't understand. I feel like I'm being crushed a little bit more every day and it's so damn hard to fight it back sometimes. I just want the pain to go away. I've came a long way I feel, it's been close to 8 years since I first left her, but sometimes I just feel. . .so weak, I guess? I don't know.

I'm finally coming here now because my ex, found me on facebook and tried to message me. She said "Are you doing okay?"

And--that was like a week and a half ago, and I feel sick every time I think about it. I didn't answer her, I just--blocked and went on.

I just want a good nights sleep again.
 

Jeremy Doe

Registrant
Hey @cyrus222 ,

You're absolutely posting in the right place. And let me start off by telling you that this place is safe and that you can tell you story without judgement or doubt or anything like that. I'm sorry you were abused. I'm sorry your father didn't provide you with the support you were seeking. I'm sorry that someone at your school hurt you. And then when you finally open up to someone who you should be able to trust, that was used against you too. None of that was right. And you have the right to feel sad, and angry, and the whole range of human emotions. Because that was unfair to you.

As for her being a blending snake and as for her story to potentially be less factual than originally thought, don't worry about that. That part is irrelevant. What is relevant is that she mistreated you. She hurt you. And she betrayed you. How she did it, in the end, doesn't matter.

Based on what you said with her behavior, her potential dishonesty, her addiction to pain medication, it's clear that she's suffering from trauma. But her trauma isn't your trauma and you don't own any of that. That's not your weight to carry. You were willing to try. You were willing to try to help her find a way. And that is commendable. So give yourself to feel appreciation for yourself for being willing to open your hear to someone else when your heart was also hurting.

Let me say, in case it needs to be said, you can't be the cause of a person's addiction. In the end, addiction is a choice. It was her choice. She chose to start taking the pills. She chose to keep taking the pills. That's not to say there aren't powerful motivators at play there, but in the end it comes down to choice. Just like a person can choose not to take them, they can choose to take them. Again, that's not your weight to carry. That you were willing to help her again says a lot about you.

As for your pain, what your experiencing is trauma. The feelings, the fear, the doubt, the recurring negative thoughts, the rent-free living in your head, that's all trauma. And it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's not a reflection of you. You're not a weak person. Clearly you stood up to her. Maybe not in the timeframe you wanted, but you did. That's strength. You picked up what pieces you could and you moved on with your life. That's courage. You found a new girlfriend who you opened up to, that's bravery. And you're doing the work to try to address the trauma and heal, that's strength.

Take another pause and reflect on that. You are not the same person who was hurt in school, or neglected by your dad, or abandoned by your mom, or hurt by your ex. You're an improved, stronger, and more resilient person and you have the perseverance to keep going through the day. Acknowledging that is hard. Believing it is harder. But it's going to be important for you to see yourself in an undistorted light. You can't judge your past self based on the information you have now. That past self did the best they could.

Blocking her on social media was the right choice. She is not good for you. There are people in the world that try to fill the whole in their own soul by damaging other's. She seems like that kind of person. She's toxic and she doesn't deserve your attention, affection or care. You did the right thing to divorce her.

A quick question, are you safe now. Physically, from this person. Does she have access to you or could she physically confront you? Because if you do feel like you're in danger, then it would be beneficial to check with law enforcement or a lawyer to see what options you have. She doesn't have the right to harass or bully you.

As for feeling like a burden to your girlfriend. Again take solace in the fact that you are trying to heal You're trying to get better and to recover. Abuse doesn't just go away. It will take time. But you're on that road.

As for things I'd recommend, and keep in mind, I'm just speaking from my own experience, but it might be good to start with building yourself up. Just off this brief interaction, i can see that you have courage, and strength, and bravery. You have grit, and you have heart. I'm sure there are so many more traits and behaviors that you exhibit. Start making a list. Read it. Read it again. Read it again. And read it until it sets in. Because you are not weak. You are strong.

The second thing i'd do is walk through your experiences with this ex. And not just the activities, but how those activities made you feel. When you did the house work and felt like it wasn't enough. I'm sure you were feeling devalued. Like something was wrong with you. When she blamed you for her addiction, I'm sure you felt some doubt and maybe some guilt. But walk through some of those activities with an emphasis on how that made you feel. And then ask yourself, why did you feel that way. When you ask yourself that, you'll likely come a conclusion that the reason you felt that way is because you were trying to be different to be better. But guess what. You did those things in good faith. That she couldn't appreciate it says a lot more about her than it does about you.

When you have a good grasp on what was done, how you felt, and why you felt that way, then I'd recommend reframing those events. Instead of, "I took care of everything and it wasn't enough," what really was the case was, you were trying to make a good home for your family. When it comes to her drug addiction, you were sticking around because you were worried for her safety. When you chose to not kill yourself, which I'm glad you didn't, it's because again, you wanted to be a supportive husband.

She definitely didn't deserve your patience and your perseverance and yet you were willing to try. In hopes that things could change. In hopes that you could be a good husband. All of that is commendable and you should take comfort in that.

The last thing I'd do is try to capture your bad dreams in a medium that makes sense. For me, writing works. But I know others do art and poetry and all other manner of taking thoughts for your head and making them manifest. I'd do that so you can examine them objectively. My guess is there is some underlying fear there. Or perhaps it's unresolved trauma from the marriage, which hopefully with be eased by the activities previously mentioned.

At the end though, you're doing the work. You're in a safe space. Your among people who have an idea what it's like to be abused. No one has all the answers because in the end those answers have to come from you. But you're in a safe space to ask questions to get you closer to that solution.

I hope it helps and trust me, it does get easier.
Jeremy
 
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