Its been a while
unknownsoldier
Registrant
Hello brothers,
Last time I was here I still didn't really know what my story was. I thought I remembered my childhood because I knew what the house looked like and I sort of remembered school, but when therapist asked me what my relationship with my parents was like back then it turned out that I couldn't remember any real interactions between us. But that therapist kept trying to tell me what my story was, he had decided that I wasn't dissociative and so therefore there couldn't really be that much abuse. But I kept thinking that there was a lot, but I couldn't figure out why I couldn't remember anything except one memory of my dad breaking into the bathroom where I had locked him out when I was maybe three. So I thought I was going crazy.
I think I posted that my parents had sexually abused me, and I couldn't figure out why I was "lying" about all that, but I kept saying it. Finally I realized that that therapist wasn't helping me, and maybe I wasn't completely crazy, and I quit him and got another one.
This one never tells me what I think or know, he jut listens to what I say and his perceptions about it and gives me feedback. This sucks because I have to do most of the work, but apparently he was actually "safe" enough because I started getting little flashes of shadows and fear. I still thought it all must have happened when I was young, and also that I still could have been making it all up, but then i got two flashbacks, one from when I was three and another from when I was seven. It was my dad doing it both times, and it wasn't just that I remembered what happened, it was that I was thinking and feeling what was going on in my own head when it was happening, and there was an age appropriate difference in the way I wa dealing with it in the two memories. When I was younger I was just kind of feeling fear and bewilderment, and when I was older I was consciously thinking "maybe its not really going to happen..." until in the memory my dad told me to take my pants off and I realized it was going to happen. There's no way I ever would have thought to make up stuff like that. Also having the intense feeling that this was part of my relationship with him and the knowledge that this kind of thing happened a lot. So whenever I doubt myself now I thinnk of these two memories.
The other thing about those memories was that if it was happening when I was seven then I could have repressed or forgotten things. Once that hit me, a whole new life story unfolded over a weekend in June. It was like there was this parallel world, this shadow world that was separate but parallel to the regular daylight world. It was me in both worlds, but sort of a different version of me, my twin maybe, my shadow self.
There was so much abuse it was really weird to have this outline of the years playing out in my head, all these memories that were strange and yet utterly familiar, like I kept thinking "of course, how could I have forgotten that."
So now that I am thirty-five I am finally being able to be inside my own head, finally able to start telling my story without thinking that I am lying (generally) or trying to make excuses for my stupid life.
I still think I have made a lot of lame decisions, but now that I have a grasp of thr real truth, its not so important anymore to try to justify my life. I'm more focused on trying to consistantly be present in my own life, and live with integrity rather than making fear based decisions. I have more friends now--I actually have friends, and I am not trying to act like someone else, so it seems like people actually like me. And I actually like them pretty often, which is a releif. I was worried that my ability to have any relationships was permanently messed up and I would always be hating everyone around me, but it seems like that's not true.
I wanted to reconnect with men who were dealing with this stuff more directly, I still don't have enough people to talk about it to face to face, so I'm really grateful that this website is here.
Jim
Last time I was here I still didn't really know what my story was. I thought I remembered my childhood because I knew what the house looked like and I sort of remembered school, but when therapist asked me what my relationship with my parents was like back then it turned out that I couldn't remember any real interactions between us. But that therapist kept trying to tell me what my story was, he had decided that I wasn't dissociative and so therefore there couldn't really be that much abuse. But I kept thinking that there was a lot, but I couldn't figure out why I couldn't remember anything except one memory of my dad breaking into the bathroom where I had locked him out when I was maybe three. So I thought I was going crazy.
I think I posted that my parents had sexually abused me, and I couldn't figure out why I was "lying" about all that, but I kept saying it. Finally I realized that that therapist wasn't helping me, and maybe I wasn't completely crazy, and I quit him and got another one.
This one never tells me what I think or know, he jut listens to what I say and his perceptions about it and gives me feedback. This sucks because I have to do most of the work, but apparently he was actually "safe" enough because I started getting little flashes of shadows and fear. I still thought it all must have happened when I was young, and also that I still could have been making it all up, but then i got two flashbacks, one from when I was three and another from when I was seven. It was my dad doing it both times, and it wasn't just that I remembered what happened, it was that I was thinking and feeling what was going on in my own head when it was happening, and there was an age appropriate difference in the way I wa dealing with it in the two memories. When I was younger I was just kind of feeling fear and bewilderment, and when I was older I was consciously thinking "maybe its not really going to happen..." until in the memory my dad told me to take my pants off and I realized it was going to happen. There's no way I ever would have thought to make up stuff like that. Also having the intense feeling that this was part of my relationship with him and the knowledge that this kind of thing happened a lot. So whenever I doubt myself now I thinnk of these two memories.
The other thing about those memories was that if it was happening when I was seven then I could have repressed or forgotten things. Once that hit me, a whole new life story unfolded over a weekend in June. It was like there was this parallel world, this shadow world that was separate but parallel to the regular daylight world. It was me in both worlds, but sort of a different version of me, my twin maybe, my shadow self.
There was so much abuse it was really weird to have this outline of the years playing out in my head, all these memories that were strange and yet utterly familiar, like I kept thinking "of course, how could I have forgotten that."
So now that I am thirty-five I am finally being able to be inside my own head, finally able to start telling my story without thinking that I am lying (generally) or trying to make excuses for my stupid life.
I still think I have made a lot of lame decisions, but now that I have a grasp of thr real truth, its not so important anymore to try to justify my life. I'm more focused on trying to consistantly be present in my own life, and live with integrity rather than making fear based decisions. I have more friends now--I actually have friends, and I am not trying to act like someone else, so it seems like people actually like me. And I actually like them pretty often, which is a releif. I was worried that my ability to have any relationships was permanently messed up and I would always be hating everyone around me, but it seems like that's not true.
I wanted to reconnect with men who were dealing with this stuff more directly, I still don't have enough people to talk about it to face to face, so I'm really grateful that this website is here.
Jim
