It's about shame

[ForeverFighting]

There are friends I would like to talk to, but I am ashamed of the problems I fight. I would like to be this person people think I am, happy, funny, caring. But every few weeks, my old brain gets the best of me and I reach for the old tools, the acting out and the emotional fortress where nobody gets in and little of the real me gets out.

I have a friend I would like to be able to call when these old thoughts come. You know, somebody who understands and could help me switch my brain onto another path. But my past makes me look at things and think about things people out there wouldn't understand. I don't want to think about those things, like looking at pictures of the porn guy I think I'm supposed to be. How could I possible tell a friend about any of that? He'd think I was a freak. Or worse, what if these are issues he has but hasn't gone there, and now here I am and now I'm feeling nervous, scared of a friend?

This place is one of few where we can speak the unspeakable. Inside it feels like if the people around me really knew what goes through my mind, they'd hate me. It's the shame talking.

 

[roadrunner]

FF,

I guess part of the answer to the problem you raise is that life is full of risks anyway. Everything worth having involves risk: risk of failure, rejection, disappointment, etc. But we take the risks none the less, because the things we want are important to us and the risk doesn't feel overwhelming.

For survivors, of course, the risks feel absolutely overwhelming, because of the feelings of shame attached to the risks. What to do?

I wonder if one way forward lies in something you yourself say:

But my past makes me look at things and think about things people out there wouldn't understand.

That may well be true, so why not start reaching out to people who are "in here" rather than "out there", as it were. I think that after awhile we all develop friendships here with guys we feel safe with. Why not try talking to one or more of the guys you feel this way about and see how it goes? You might be able to establish a connection that would be good for both of you, and you would have someone you could resort to when you feel tempted and wavering.

There would be trust issues at first, but aren't there always trust issues in a real friendship? Perhaps working within the confines of the site with someone would help you to build up the confidence you need in the "real world".

Isn't that what healing is ultimately about? Being able to relate to others safely and confidently as we move through the course of our lives?

Much love,
Larry