it's about control

it's about control
L

Larrymat

Registrant
Maybe, just maybe, I finally understand. I'm 58, married, havent had sex with my wife in 13 years, have secretly acted out in a million terrible ways with prostitutes and particularly men in theaters, peep shows, as a sub even online. I have doubted my own memory, and that my own actions point and confirm this..that my own mother - my mother in particular-- but my grandmother as well, and Cecil next door rooming there...all had me and used me when I was so young. Mom from the start..Cecil when I was 8, 9..I didn't understand and I didn't believe that the memories were true, not fantasies. And now, recently, I struggle with flashes about my father too. Oh my, how can that be true?? But if he did, if he felt so left out and he loved me, and he did..I HOPE he did, I HOPE I was good for him, I forgive him and I understand. And thru all that innner hidden craziness..I understand maybe it's all about control. Control by my mother, even now. Passive, sweet, loving...but controlling even now that I can't have sex with anyone else and I'm feminine and submissive and dependent. Even now, at her age and frail...she somehow controls me and that passes for sex even. I want to come out...as someone did here online..and say who I am and that I am a sexual abuse survivor and don't quite have the courage to say it but wonder if it would help and break the control she still has and probably doesnt even know she has. To admit my weaknesses and struggles to those who might understand. OOhh damn it's control...and whether dad did or not, Mom still has it on me.
 
Larry,

One thing I hope you will pick up on here is that you are not defined by the acting out you are doing. That is all an effort to take back control, and to recreate the abuse you suffered by taking harmful and possibly dangerous chances, but chances YOU choose and not those that are forced upon you. No one here will blame you for that, and in one way or another we are all weak and struggling.

But try to see that if your father molested you your reaction does not have to be "I hope I was good for him". You were innocent and did not deserve that. If he harmed you that was wrong.

Being abused by your mother would be sure to cause huge problems later in any relationship you might have. What she did wasn't loving bro, that too was wrong and you were not "in on it". You were a child.

Admitting that you were not at fault and were victimized by those whose sacred task it was to cherish and protect you will help you to break the control you feel they still have over you. You ARE a survivor, and you have already shown the courage necessary to say so.

Take care,
(Another) Larry
 
Larry - You are right. It is all about control. It is about adults who have control over children. They are the weak ones.

Now, maybe, by realizing this you will be able to take control. Don't let them control you or your actions or your emotions anymore. It will be a difficult task and one that will take time to grasp. But if you adopt that attitude of not letting them control you NOW, you might get further in your understanding, recovery and healing.

Keep posting, sounds like you're really on to something big. - John
 
Larry, you mention so many things, and it's rotten that they happended to you and have (not surprisingly) affected you in the way they have.

What I wish to say at this point of your time here at MS is to read lots of posts (perhaps you already do?).

I think that you will gain clarity and understanding as you read about others guys like you. Then you can start to sort through the various issues and become a better you that you are happier with.
 
Control? The feeling of powerlessness is the worst and darkest feeling in all of this insane universe we live in. I would murder to alter the past if I could. In helplessness lie the extremes of depravity and madness. I do occasional work for Amnesty International. Any little piece of personal steel I can stick in the faces of tyrants and save one poor sod from torture.
This is a sick subject matter. Brings the darkness up. Fight helplessness without becoming a monster. Join Amnesty International.
 
The Controller in me

Control.
As long as
it is there in me,
it will be reflected
in the life around me.

I cannot fight
control with control,
I cannot fight
power with power
and expect my world
to be at peace.

I can never be powerful enough
but to fight the world
But I can always be powerful enough
to know that I am
the most powerful person
in my life.

When I know that I am
what I cannot accept
in world around me.

And what I embrace in them
I embrace in me.
And what I embrace changes.
 
Thanks all of you for the encouragement and feelings. I see the wisdom and strength - oh, i wish i had more - in all of the thoughts. I'm always on the edge of acting out and I guess that's the legacy of them, especially my mother. Just that nothing ever satisfies me, nothing ever quite fills the hole that I'm first now starting to realize. She has control .. without a touch anymore. But I am trying to be strong on my own and, even if I do lose a battle here and there (which is inevitable), I might do much better in the war. I'm Larry ______ and I'm a sexual abuse survivor. Thank you.
 
Well, its never too late to recover. It sounds to me like you forgive everyone too easily. Perhaps you haven't gotten really pissed at them yet. That will come, I myself had went from total forgiveness to intense anger and hatred for my abusers. It is a part of the healing process. Maybe trying to let out some anger will help, or maybe you're not ready yet. I would recommend seeing a therapist to help you to get pissed! I believe anger is the best emotion in recover because it can reestablish your sense of control for yourself and helps to break their control over you. "The courage to Heal" by Laura Davis is like a bible for recovery of sexual abuse. It has readings and exercises you can do to become in touch with your feeling and to take back what is yours! Your life! Be strong Larry.
 
However, to be angry is healthy, to hate is not. Don't waste your energy on hating someone.
 
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