It was T Day Today!

It was T Day Today!
T

TeeJayUU

Registrant
Hi All,

Went to the T today, while there discsussing last week's issues with my daughter and that boy at school, OH MY! BIG time flashback and panic attack. I have not had a flashback like this in, well, maybe never! I could SMELL HIM! I could hear him, I saw and felt it all. I saw the gun, smelled the beer, felt the pain and embarassment, FELT IT.


I am so confused as to why I, ME, MYSELF, why do I feel guilty? I do not understand these feelings. The feelings of a 12 year old boy feeling pleasure and being scared at the same time, I am used to that. But why guilt?

What is it about my daughter and that boy that brought all of this back? Why the guilt? I keep revisiting the issue of victim verses agressor?

I was only 12. This perp was a cop who was around 40. I KNOW that makes him the guilty one, but he paid attention to ME! I made him happy! Now I feel guilty.

OK, OK, OK. I AM OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My wonderful and supportive wife has been great, but HOW can she ever really understand? Of course, how can she when I still dont.

PEACE TO EACH AND EVERYONE OF US - The Good Lord KNOWS we deserve it!

TJ
 
TJ,

The realistic flashbacks, with all the sensory "baggage" included, are not uncommon. The situation with your daughter is too close to home for you to "gloss" over it.

I feel guilty, too. Like it was my fault. I don't know why. If I can stop feeling that, then I don't care why I ever did. I mean, I'm sure there's some explanation, but knowing explanations is proving to be much less helpful than I had hoped.

My wife and I have had some less than pleasant discussions when I told her that "I'm glad that she doesn't have the background to understand." She can and does be supportive, though. When she listens, and doesn't try to "understand," just listens. Maybe your wife does something like that, too.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Hey TJ,

Just out of curiosity...is either your daughter or the boy anywhere around 12 years old or in the same grade in school that you were in at age 12? As parents, we survivors often get triggered as we see our kids in situations that make old buried feelings in us, from that same age, surface. The brain has a way of forgetting but the body stores it all and lets it out at the strangest times. Just a thought!

Taz
 
The guilt is a perfectly normal part of working through the abuse. If you are feeling guilty because you "needed" the attention from the abuse, do not feel guilty or shameful about it. My dad d me continuously, but I still needed his attention. Boys need emotional support and feelings of acceptance. The only way I got this attention was through the abuse. While I d the abuse, I craved the attention.

Heath
 
Joe,

Fortunately my wife CAN'T understand ( am I ever glad she can't, I would not wish this on anyone... except my perps) , but her support is a gift from Above!

Taz.

My daughter is 14 and the young man is 16. They share a class at a high school for students with emotional issues. I KNOW this has been a big trigger.

Heath,

You said,
"because you "needed" the attention"...
I know that commnet REALLY HAS ME THINKING! That simple comment means a lot to me, and it may help me with last night's T session about the reason as to why I feel guilty, HHmmmm.
Thanks for that thought! IT HELPS!

Thanks to ALL of you!

PEACE!

TJ
 
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