It makes sense?

[Leosha]

I come back at here, and respond at some posts, and I do the actual response of "Define your abuse", something I first think I cannot do. And I go down this list, I am answer like a test, yes, no, yes, no, and it is all not to seem very real or 'deep' at me. I am thinking, this is all right, this does not bother me? And then at end, I see it to post, and it hits me so hard. I see this list of what he does, of how much he does, and it is that I do not think of it as so much bad until those things define it. It is like so much an errand list, to go out and pay the phone bill, to get the milk, to bad touch someone. I do not know how I am to explain, it just it is seems that for him, this is nothing. This is no extra energy of his day, no burden or anything more than just 'oh, I do this'. I know I will not understand how he does these things, with no second thought. I just do not understand all what he does at me. I think 'He abuse me', that say it all. That is the big over it all term. But to break it apart like this, it adds up at more. I do not know that this makes sense, but I often am not! I think it just make it seem even more big now, and it is feel big anyway.

 

[Mike Church]

Leosha it is a really big deal.

I do not know that this makes sense, but I often am not!

And you make perfect sense. At least to me. I admire the courage you have. And you have come a hell of a long way in a short time.

Like you I see the list and cannot believe that they feel the way they do and have no concern for us as anything but a convenient piece of meat to taste and throw away.

Well by god we dont have to take it quietly anymore and it makes me feel so proud of all you young guys who take healing at an early time
Your Canadian Brother

 

[Wuamei]

And then at end, I see it to post, and it hits me so hard. I see this list of what he does, of how much he does, and it is that I do not think of it as so much bad until those things define it.

Leosha, that's part of the power of defining our abuse specifically. Yes, it hits us hard, it hurts
like a slice of hell on earth. And that's because in specifically defining that abuse
we see it for all of it's destructive ugliness, we
see just how bad it really is. When that happens, when we face these demons, we can start really fighting them and overcoming them. As the old saying goes "Know your enemy."

It is like so much an errand list, to go out and pay the phone bill, to get the milk, to bad touch someone. I do not know how I am to explain, it just it is seems that for him, this is nothing. This is no extra energy of his day, no burden or anything more than just 'oh, I do this'.

Leosha, that is so well put. Tragically, it was so easy for our perps to sexually abuse us, becuz they had the power. Yet it took no "extra energy"
for them at all. But they sapped & continue to sap so much of the energy & vitality out of us.

Leosha, there's a name for creatures that do that:
Parasites!

I know I will not understand how he does these things, with no second thought. I just do not understand all what he does at me.

Leosha, we can know what they did to us.
But understand it? Such horrible evils are certainly beyond my understanding...

I do not know that this makes sense, but I often am not!

As Mikey said, Leosha, you make perfect sense.

Our perpetrators are the ones that make no sense...

Victor

 

[The Dean]

Hi Leosha! It is great to see you opening up more and trusting us and helping other guys here. As Mike Church says, you have come a long ways in a short time. That is terrific.

You are begining to recognise that your trust was betrayed and your body was violated and he had absolutely no right to do that.

Lately, I have been thinking about how some perpetrators look for any boy to violate, while others look to handsome, well-built, athletic types and others, certainly, I hope a minority, look for boys they want for porn or prostitution.

My butt got me into lots of trouble, according to the man who harmed me. He liked it and felt that gave him the right to harm me. Leosha, you are an athlete and are surely strong and powerful and somehow he thought that gave him rights to mess with you. A few of our men were "cute" boys, and someone thought that gave them a right to video tape them, take pictures etc.

It stirs up both sadness and anger in me to think about all of this. Why does a coach think his closeness to his athletes gives him some right to betray them and their body.

Leosha, friend, I think it is good that you are begining to see that what your coach did to you was not just: "a little out of line," but that it was very bad and a very serious crime. To me, that is a positive sign brother.

Bob