It is not my fault, It is my problem

It is not my fault, It is my problem
D

Derdlecar

I did not ask to be born here. I did not ask to be physically or emotionally abused. And I most certainly did not ask to be sexually abused. But I was born, and the abuse did happen.

But now I have a problem. What am I going to do about it? In spite of the fact that I am busted, brused, and bleeding, I want more than anything to continue healing. I want to be a friend to others as they travel this path to recovery. I want to make a difference in this world. I no longer care what people think of me. I am no longer ashamed of tha fact that I was sexually abused. I am not afraid to speak out. I want the world to be a better place because I was here. I want to do something big, something huge, such as find a way to empower children to fight back.

I have no idea where to start, but as long as I live, it is my purpose to do everything in my power to fight back against childhood sexual abuse! Enough is enough already!

I just read over what I've written so far, it sounds like a hell of a commitment but I'm going for it!! Here I stand. It is my calling. So help me God.

Hang in there

Darrel
 
Darrel,

The fury of feelings within me echo your words. While all my energy is being spent on my own healing. One day I hope fight the good fight for others. Can't let evil win ...

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Darrel,

Your words ring with so much courage and commitment, and it's great to see that you are so far along.

The big thing I see is your rejection of shame. I often wonder why I am still ashamed when I do know and believe that all the abuse wasn't my fault. I guess it's because the shame is our self-judgment on everything that happened, so it's the last thing we let go of. I have a long way to go!

But yes, absolutely, while our priority has to be to heal ourselves, the world also needs people who will go on to stand against this terrible evil. Who will speak to schools, community groups, Scout troops, and others to urge awareness and pass the message on to hurting kids that they are not alone?

For me the latter is so important. What hurt the most wasn't the endless rape, but the feeling that this could happen and nobody seemed to see or care. I was alone. My aim now is to show my dead perp that when he hurt me he was messing with the WRONG kid!

Much love Darrel,
Larry
 
Larry

I guess it's because the shame is our self-judgment on everything that happened, so it's the last thing we let go of. I have a long way to go!
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I too have long way to go. The only way I can see progress is looking back. Looking ahead at the road only brings discouragement. The road looks just as long as it ever did. 16 years of healing is a long time, and I believe it will take the rest of my life to reach the end of the road.

Oh how I wish I had a place like this way back when. I've grown more in the last 2 weeks since coming here than in the previous year. MS strengthens my resolve to make a difference. I find this to be a place that provides strength and encouragement. I read people's stories and say to my self "this has to stop." I look at the kids in my wife's youth group, count them and do the math. If the stats are right, it means that approximately 3 boys and 4 girls have been or are in the process of being victimized. It tears my heart out.

There will be times in the future when I feel shame. At those times I lick my wounds, chat with my friends here, gain courage, put shame in it's rightful place and move on. I will place my arms around my brothers along the way and encourage them to also never give up.


Love you too Larry

Darrel
 
:)
 
Darrel,

I did the terrible math using my Scout troop. We had about 30 boys active at any one time. The victims of my perp included me, the perp's own son, and a close friend of mine. That friend confirmed two more to me but wouldn't name them. That's 5 out of 30, and that's just me poking around four decades later from Germany. There were probably more. And after my abuser was chased off he was never prosecuted and lived another 31 years. I wonder what that means.

I know we have to heal ourselves first, but we know what this was like man, and how devastating its effects are. Awareness needs to be a lot better, and kids who have been hurt and dare to use up their last bit of courage and come here need our support. If we won't do this, who will? Is it always to be "somebody else's problem"...like we were?

Much love,
Larry
 
Darrel, You will do what you say. I know you will. I think helping others is one of the most important parts of the healing process. I haven't resolved to do big things, but I'm trying to do the things I can. I've given a class on male sexual abuse at my church. I've started a support group in my city (boy, is that a tough one. Only three of us attend. It's a start, but even though we get the message out there the best we can, no one comes or even calls for information. There's a message there for all of us about the shame carried by the abused.), and I absolutely refuse to be ashamed about my abuse. If I hear someone talking about abuse, and it's amazing how often that happens, I speak up about it, because almost always there is a great deal of misinformation being shared. There are so many inconsistencies about me, though. Here I am refusing to be ashamed of having been abused to strangers, and at the same time carrying secret shame inside that I can't seem to get rid of, and unable to share the whole thing with my sisters because they think I am making the whole thing up.

Do all the things your passion tells you to do, Darrel. There are so many kids and adults out there who need these things to be done.

Bobby
 
Here is a piece I wrote when I first came here and I think it is germain to this topic.
He was born
He did not ask to be born, had no control over the genetic makeup which should govern him in life, had no say in who he would be borne to

He was born

And like all new borns he was clean and pure. And like all he reached out for the love, learning, joy, belonging and everything else that defines the human condition.

At some point, early or late, a terrible evil descended on him and shrouded him in a slimy stinking morass that was so inhuman that it attacked the very core of his essence; his humanity and sense of self worth.
The lens through which he viewed the human experience was cracked and soiled.
First his body reacted from the attack
And then his Mind.

His mind was totally rewired. All that was familiar and safe was gone.
Sometimes he retreated into madness to cope
Sometimes he became many
Sometimes he withdrew from humanity
Sometimes he attacked humanity
Sometimes he could not survive for long

These were coping skills
And in each and every instance these coping skills were self destructive
They continued to break down his human essence and his sense of self worth

He coped.
He existed in life if he survived
He did not live life

He sought healing
The road is tough
The road has many potholes
The sense of self worth is so badly damaged by now that it seems impossible to fix
But fix it he must
And fix it he will
For that is the human condition
He struggles, strives and perserveres
The IMPOSSIBLE JUST TAKES A LITTLE LONGER than he wants or wishes
He can heal and he will
Life is to be lived to its fullest in the human condition and he will become a full participant and will reach out for the love, learning, joy and belonging of that new baby of so long ago.

THE EVIL WILL BE DEFEATED

He will belong
He will have love
And most importantly
He will clear and fix the lens through which he views the human condition
His sense of self worth esteem will reassrt itself
He will be an example for the true stories of the babies yet to come
 
Darrel

I have no idea where to start, but as long as I live, it is my purpose to do everything in my power to fight back against childhood sexual abuse! Enough is enough already!
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It is great that you want to help, but do remember that your healing comes frist.

I also have been trying to get the word out about Child Sexual Abuse but at times it takes me away from my personal healing. Try to balance things out and it will be very rewarding for you.

Tom
Darrel always remember................
 
How can we combat childhood sexual abuse? I have been debating this one in my head for ages. The problem of child abuse is a large one and will require a long, slow battle on many fronts (child care, laws, schools, parenting classes, domestic voilence). We all have suffered from CSA but our stories are as unique as we are. I think slow and steady is the way to go.
 
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