It is all right to be here?
I know that I have been so absent of here, for long time now. there is so much that happens, so much that goes on since I make confrontation at him, and what happens next day of that. I still deal of that, physically and mentally, and have so much more that come up at me right now. I have more pulled back off people, and not wanted anything really to do of people for while. I have generally responded at emails, but have avoided people usually, both on here and in 'real world'. For all that, I apologize.
Day after I confronted him last month, I made error, error in judgement and safety. Friends who know of it say it is not my fault. I wish I could just make choice to believe that, but of course, if I can put blame at all at myself right now, that is what I do, where I am. Anyway, that error, it cause big mistake, I let him hurt me again, and it was worse thing then I let myself think at time. So that was something to be taken care of, physically, and emotionally.
I had argument with my mom on phone, almost three weeks ago. I have tried calling few times to apologize, have left messages with her. She will not call me. Perhaps she is afraid, since I say I want to talk with her of things that now bother me. Perhaps she feels guilt of some of what happen, from father, from coach. Or perhaps she has fear I remember some things of her. I do not know what happens in her head right now. But I know that there will be much we need talk of.
A friend, his parents had made complaint of our old coach at sport federation. After several months of 'investigating', they say that there is not proof of anything, that it is only his words against coach's, and they never have complaint on him before, which is lie. So I call president of foundation, and I tell him that, and say they need to investigate some more, because now I make complaint. So now they do 'investigation' again. It is best I can do right now, I am not ready for something legal.
Today, this morning, my father call me. He has called me only three times in 13 years, never to ask of me or my mom, only when he want from me, usual is money. First time he ever call me, I make him a 'loan', which I know I never will get back. Second time I do nothing, and change phone number. So now, again he calls. I get mad, I yell at him, call him name, and hang up at him. So now will have to change phone number again.
Also today, I get email from someone I know. The other person I send copy of letter to coach to, was person I know, someone I used to train with also, both us with him. I sent it to him, because if he not know what coach do, I wanted him to be warned of it, and also, if it happen at him, I wanted him to know that he can talk at me if he wish. I never hear back of him, until today. He write me, say he is sorry what happen at me, and sorry he is mean at me when I left there. He not tell me that anything happen at him, and really, it is not that we are close friends, I do not expect him to tell me such things. But, he say something strange. He say not to worry of it, that it not happen anymore. He does not say how or what he mean of that, just that 'it is taken care of, it does not happen anymore'. I have no idea what to think of that.
With all the memories now, it is like starting all this again, all this 'healing' again. I know it is not straight back at beginning, that I not fall that far back. But, I do not know, it seems I am not where I am, or where I should be. And most times, it seems I am not myself, and not knowing if that is help or hold on me. Not sure what I have to offer right now, but I try to offer it.
leosha
Day after I confronted him last month, I made error, error in judgement and safety. Friends who know of it say it is not my fault. I wish I could just make choice to believe that, but of course, if I can put blame at all at myself right now, that is what I do, where I am. Anyway, that error, it cause big mistake, I let him hurt me again, and it was worse thing then I let myself think at time. So that was something to be taken care of, physically, and emotionally.
I had argument with my mom on phone, almost three weeks ago. I have tried calling few times to apologize, have left messages with her. She will not call me. Perhaps she is afraid, since I say I want to talk with her of things that now bother me. Perhaps she feels guilt of some of what happen, from father, from coach. Or perhaps she has fear I remember some things of her. I do not know what happens in her head right now. But I know that there will be much we need talk of.
A friend, his parents had made complaint of our old coach at sport federation. After several months of 'investigating', they say that there is not proof of anything, that it is only his words against coach's, and they never have complaint on him before, which is lie. So I call president of foundation, and I tell him that, and say they need to investigate some more, because now I make complaint. So now they do 'investigation' again. It is best I can do right now, I am not ready for something legal.
Today, this morning, my father call me. He has called me only three times in 13 years, never to ask of me or my mom, only when he want from me, usual is money. First time he ever call me, I make him a 'loan', which I know I never will get back. Second time I do nothing, and change phone number. So now, again he calls. I get mad, I yell at him, call him name, and hang up at him. So now will have to change phone number again.
Also today, I get email from someone I know. The other person I send copy of letter to coach to, was person I know, someone I used to train with also, both us with him. I sent it to him, because if he not know what coach do, I wanted him to be warned of it, and also, if it happen at him, I wanted him to know that he can talk at me if he wish. I never hear back of him, until today. He write me, say he is sorry what happen at me, and sorry he is mean at me when I left there. He not tell me that anything happen at him, and really, it is not that we are close friends, I do not expect him to tell me such things. But, he say something strange. He say not to worry of it, that it not happen anymore. He does not say how or what he mean of that, just that 'it is taken care of, it does not happen anymore'. I have no idea what to think of that.
With all the memories now, it is like starting all this again, all this 'healing' again. I know it is not straight back at beginning, that I not fall that far back. But, I do not know, it seems I am not where I am, or where I should be. And most times, it seems I am not myself, and not knowing if that is help or hold on me. Not sure what I have to offer right now, but I try to offer it.
leosha