It hurts and I have no one to talk to (TRIGGERS!)

It hurts and I have no one to talk to (TRIGGERS!)
C

crisispoint

Registrant
"If the wounds inside could bleed, how much would flow from them?"

I wish I could remember who said that, because that's where I am now. Again.

Still fragile, but I can't talk to anyone about what I remember happened while cruising for guys. My sister, who has and continues to be supportive, blurted out, "where did you meet these guys?!" when I told her. Like I'm to blame.

I'm not to blame, I know that. But knowing and feeling are two different things, and right now I don't feel guiltless. Despite the fact the @$$hole forced me to do things I was willing to do.

Still see the gun in my dreams and when i close my eyes. Still taste it. Don't feel safe anywhere, although I'm more stable right now. "Men don't get raped. You wanted it, and you loved it, admit it. You were asking for it. You were looking for it."

How do you cope with people who frigging blame you?

I'm still blaming myself.

Scot
 
Scot,

You're not to blame for what happened, not at all. I am sorry you feel it, I understand there is a difference between knowing and feeling. Men do get r*ped I hate to say, you did not ask for it, no one ever asks for it, and I am sorry you had to endure it. I am sorry you don't feel you have anyone to talk to, if you need to talk, feel free to PM me, I'm here for you. I hope you can soon come to a place of healing and more stability, you are worth it, please remember that, and that you are not to blame. As I said feel free to PM me if you wish, I hope you soon feel some better.

scott
 
I have met guys. I guess I feel as though I am to blame. Perhaps not completely, but I knew better. I guess in my mind, I have to divide making healthy choices from acting out. Its hard sometimes, because I dont believe that I am blameless. In fact I feel to blame everyone else is outright wrong. The abuse can explain why I am this way, but inside, I feel that I still need to accept responsibility for the choices I made. I guess, I understand very well what you are fighting, because short of the rape, I am fighting this same battle.

Look, I guess I have come to understand that my ability to make good choices was impaired by my abuse. Yes, I am partly to blame, but so are many others. My parents who didnt give me the affection and attention I needed. My abuser for sure. Those around me who saw I was hurting and blew me off. They all share the blame. I guess I feel that is a healthy attitude. I own my part, let them own theirs, and in time, I hope to sort it all out.

You are not alone, my friend. We are always here for you, and I cant think of a better group of guys to have in your corner.
 
Scot,

well, you know that men DO get raped also. It is such BS that people think that. I can understand how you feel of what your sister said. I had something happen to me, some months ago. And several people told me 'You should not go out to bars by yourself', or some such thing. Again, to make me feel it is my fault. Made me feel so bad about myself.

You always have someone to talk to here. Please always feel that, that you can be here, whenever you need to be. Even if we can't help, we can understand.

Leosha
 
Look, I guess I have come to understand that my ability to make good choices was impaired by my abuse. Yes, I am partly to blame, but so are many others.
Click to expand...
Phos hit the nail on the head Scot. You have to go easy on yourself because you didn't go into these situations the same as a person with no trauma in his past. And I think that produces a good portion of the anger you feel... that you made the choice to do these things, but it really wasn't your choice at all.

The mind is such a complex, amazing machine that strives to protect us at every turn. But maybe because of its complexity, it fucks up now and then. Gets stuck in a pattern of trying to work things out - to process what we couldn't process when the original trauma was happening. In order to heal itself, it seeks to replicate the situation... to get the chance to reprocess the event, the feelings, and even the outcome. It's amazingly backwards, but it makes sense.

Sometimes thinking about it like that helps take the sting and shame and guilt out of things. Thinking about it as a purely mechanical, chemical, and biological process. Don't know if it helps or not.

But you are so not alone Scot. Trust me on that one.

-Sean
 
It's strange to have someone else tell you what they think, esp when they have no F***in' idea what happened!! Don't let it get to you. I know, easier said than done.... I didn't think of myself as being raped until I told my story at a group therapy session. When I was finished, some of the guys offered their opinion...I was quite suprised to hear that they were able to look at it objectively and what they said totally caught me off guard. "it appears as though I was raped" It took awhile for it to sink in, but I agree now. He didn't use violence, but he drugged me... This in affect took my power away from me and gave him the freedom to do what ever he wanted to me. I don't trust many people now, but I do trust other survivors. I guess that we need to ignore the outsiders, and lean on each other for support. I hope my explanation isn't too confusing, but I felt I needed to give abit of background. Just know that you aren't alone in your struggles, we are here to listen, and offer opinions, I hope that is enough to help. It helps me.

Take a deep breathe and let your body relax.

We all deserve some peace....
 
Acting out gives us the biggest guilt trip ever.
Do we deserve it ?

If I knew that I was going to be in a certain place at a certain time I would plan my acting out, or "cottaging" as I knew it then, well in advance. Anything up to weeks in advance.

I would leave the meeting or get away from the job as soon as possible. I had the route all planned to take in the largest amount of possible public toilets as possible, I'd think about the details such as parking the 4x4 in busy streets.
I'd have a fantasy raging in my mind that I'd worked on for days.
I'd park up and walk to the toilet, go inside and do whatever I did.

Nobody physically dragged me there, I drove and walked. I closed the cubicle door and did the acts.
It was me in there, nobody else, my body.

But how did I arrive at the MENTAL state that put my body there ?
That goes back to 1964 when I was 11yo, a long time ago.
I learned ALL the wrong things from my abusers, and had so many good influences stolen from me.

It might have been my body, but it was their sick minds.

"GUILT - do we deserve to feel guilty ?"

NO WAY !!!!

Dave
 
i agree with phoster - abuse confused us from knowing nourishment from poison -

peace-
markgb
 
Scot and all,

When I went 'acting out' it was almost as if I was on auto-pilot. Just like Lloydy I planned everything in advance, where to go and when, where to park, all of it. I could hardly even speak, I was virtually paralyzed 'til it was over, then I'd hate myself for doing it and promise myself that I'd never do it again. Until I realized why I was doing it I had no control over it. Until I forgave myself I couldn't stop it. My judgement still isn't the best but it's a whole lot better now than it was a few years ago. I don't blame myself for what I did, it happened. All I can do is learn more about myself and try to make better choices in the future.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve
 
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