It feels awful to be married, but alone.

[Ceremony]

I suppose this is Triggering, I'm going to complain about my wife. I just got a call, while I'm home, and had been awaiting our getting together. It was my daughter's birthday yesterday, and we had arranged that we'll have a nice dinner here tonight. However, I just learned that's not the case. Without my knowing, she had arranged to take our daughter out instead. It would seem normal, but there's a dynamic here that makes it intensely sad, and dismisses me.

First, she made that plan without consulting me. This arrangement was made by my daughter and me last Saturday. It was set, and she, my wife agreed. I had noted I work until 5 to my daughter. However, I am scheduled until 7. Apparently, my wife pushed our daughter to go out and eat, without me, because I was to be at work. I would presume, and I think rightly so, that my daughter would mention I had arranged to be home by 5? I'm not able to confirm that yet? It hurts me a little, but my wife's attitude is the worst.

That call I mentioned in the beginning, it was my wife, confirming, that in fact I had stayed home after all today. I had texted her, that I decided to stay home today. I had a headache, and wanted to rest. I thought, cool, it will give me time to do a bit more to get ready. I cooked potatoes for the mashed potatoes my daughter requested, I went and got cupcakes (she's older btw), and I have some gifts to prepare. I cleaned up a bit. I feel better after resting, a good choice I thought. I also was upbeat, I put on the movie "Pitch Perfect" that always makes me happy. Then that phone call: "Do you have $20 to share the cost of adding you to the dinner tonight?" Me: "What dinner?". Her: "I'm taking her out with our son, you were at work, so I arranged to take her out and not make a fuss cooking" Me, crushed, not thinking straight, knowing I can argue, make a fuss back and explain my side, my expectations, I just shut up: "Oh, well, no, I don't have $20, you guys go, I'm sick anyway, I need to rest."

And I start to cry after hanging up... but, I dry up, and think, what can I do, I'm just hurt, I don't like to be hurt, I feel bad, just bruised, kinda like, why can't I have good things because I'm broke, why do I have to be excluded? I'm the dad, but I had to acquiesce in the heat of that call, so I could maintain that my daughter will have a good time tonight. She's posted some nice FB notes about a good time for her Birthday, and I don't want to ruin it. No arguing, I just won't! I will NOT argue.

But, in my head, in my pathetic mind, I'm a loser. But, come on, it's not my fault, get up, just relax, cry a bit, get on with whatever and let her know I love her (daughter), and try not to lose it with my wife. My saboteur!

She just texted that I have to be in bed, to pretend, so as not to make our daughter feel bad about leaving me out. Sure, sure, yeah, that's right, pretend.

So, I may or may not leave this up, It's pathetic, it shows dysfunction, it shows my vulnerability to being controlled, to being manipulated out of having a Birthday with my daughter, that I had fully expected and prepared all day.

Some will think, NO, don't do that, don't be quiet, stand up for yourself. But, that's not really helping me. I'm not going to be able to do that, maybe for reasons of failing to note self reliance, or some self esteem, or whatever has made me defer, acquiesce for my whole life... I don't stand up for myself when beaten this badly. I've been ignored, and thrown away, so I best just get to the next thing, and that was to write. I write. I have to write so I can cry. Then, I'll think about me, Ok?

 

[HealingHope]

I’m glad you shared this with us here, please don’t delete it. I think more than anything your children give you strength, you were looking forward so much to sharing her birthday... it’s not over yet? There are cupcakes to be shared, those gifts to be unwrapped?

 

[KMCINVA]

I am not complaining about anyone. I heard something beautiful the other day. I was watching the TODAY Show. Chip and Joanna Gaines from Fixer Up were on. Samatha Guthrie asked why they were ending the show. A response of love, because it is time and the most important thing in their life is to work on their relationship first to keep the family together and then closely the children. I know I heard this from many and accept in my marriage the relationship was not first. I always felt like the 4th or 5th in line. I have been told this is too common in marriage but also know my CSA played a role in why the marriage did not work. I also know being left with syncope and the spouse responding to the demands of sibling (and according to most should have been further down the list of who we place first and second in our lives) destroyed and the abuse took over. Why this pivotal point I do not know but doctors say it was the furtherance of reinforcing my belief I was not worthy. Learning the syncope was caused by the same part of the brain as the dissociation that overtook and had been of my life has reinforced. I believe Joanna and Chip and everyone else I have met has taught me put your partner first--if not all relationships fail. Now I make sure when my friend is here we are first in each others priorities and I do wish it was far more frequent.

I accept my mistakes and know I can never undo what may or may not have happened in dissociation. I have been told how it has been handled and denied by those around me has stifled healing. For me, the future is what I look to and to accept those incapable of learning and attempting to understand trauma and CSA it is fruitless to have them in my life--they are destructive and hold ideas that are antiquated and without basis--for science and medicine is moving far beyond them.

Take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who love you, open themselves to you and can accept they do not understand trauma and CSA and want to grow and learn so they can be there for you.

Kevin

 

[Ceremony]

I don't want to leave this just hanging, and I'm not sure what's going to happen when she gets back. I'm going to do the gift bag and cupcakes. However, there's tension between my son and his mom and sister. There was so much of it, and it was deeply sparked by his mom's talking before our daughter arrived. She, my wife even had to drag me into it.

When our daughter came to go out, our son refused to go. He's been upset that his sister is dealing rather harshly with him for over a year. He complains, and apparently I'm the only one listening, so he's comfortable discussing it all with me. I've assured him I understand and he's calm for now.

My wife and daughter are still out, and it seems sad, sad that my son isn't with, and sad we all four aren't together.

 

[Ceremony]

You were right HH, my kids made it Ok once they were back together. Cupcakes, gifts, and they laughed. I'm not Ok with my wife, but that's not new. I'm Ok with my kids and that's what matters.

 

[HealingHope]

Perfect (((hug)))

 

[CelloL]

I'm so sorry for your situation and the lack of compassion on the part of your wife. Wish I had something comforting to say.

 

[Bluedogone]

It's very sad, but true, you can't force someone to love or to cherish in spite of what they may have vowed.

In the birthday situation, as painful as it was and is, you did the right thing. It's only natural to be hurt, deeply hurt. (((((Ceremony))))) I've found that our children sometime understand more about our feelings than we may give them credit for. A birthday is one day. A parent's love for his daughter is a lifetime.

I, too, hope you don't take the post down.

Blue

 

[KMCINVA]

Ceremony

I hope you are doing better. It is difficult to be married or even in a group and to feel alone. I believe if both parties do not see each other as the number one priority a relationship will falter. Your children, you cherish and love your children. It can be difficult for them in a situation where they sense and see the parents are not communicating or working together. It can create friction. You know you are there for them and that is what is important.

Take care of yourself.

Kevin