It doesn't do anything for me.

[melliferal]

How best to explain it?

I posted, a couple of months ago, about how I was able to overcome my (aversity? distaste? phobia?) of sex and "did it" for the first time in a few years. I can't find the thread anymore, but it still makes me laugh - it did, even then - to think about how I could be so excited about "getting laid". I'm 26, for crying out loud, and I was acting like some teenager. I mean, I wasn't all braggy about it or anything; there was enough reason for me to feel good about overcoming that issue. It's just funny.

But, unforseen things happen, yes? I've "done it" perhaps once every three or four weeks since then. That's all I need. Scratch that - I don't even "need" THAT much. Sure, it feels good - I don't crawl inside myself or dissociate when I'm doing it - but I still haven't managed to find any kind of healthy "drive".

It felt the same way, when I was a kid and the abuse was happening. It didn't "hurt", it felt good, sure - but I didn't end up craving it or anything. It was as if, after the abuse started, "sex" was simply added to my personal subconscious list of "available things to do" that all kids carry inside their heads. At any given moment, I might decide to go out a ride my bike. Or climb a tree. Or play Nintendo. Or go "over there" and have sex. Just another possible activity to relieve boredom; nothing special about it.

Today, it's pretty much the same, except that it's a fairly low priority on my "activities" list. There's plenty of things I'd simply rather do. I attach no powerful emotions to it, the way everyone else does.

My "sexual partner" (go ahead, laugh - it actually is amusing in a way) is what might be described these days as a "friend with benefits" - odd, considering such a term is usually uttered within the context of promiscuity, something that wouldn't describe a single day of my life. She's a nice girl, cool to hang out with, a very good friend. I do not "love" her, and she knows it and is OK with it, and I think the feeling is mutual. That's the only way it could possibly work, because I don't think I could ever have sex with someone that I truly "love". I'm not sure if that makes sense to you guys - it certainly sounds counterintuitive - but it's true.

She probably has other people she can go to, and I don't mind that at all - she's a normal person, and I get that once a month ain't enough for the normals.

But I'm so conflicted over it. I feel as if some things "should" upset me, and they don't. Some things should excite me, and they don't. For so many people, sex is considered the greatest expression of devotion and love - but it's the exact opposite for me. I don't understand it. You guys know my story - I wasn't violently abused or made to feel ashamed or dirty. I shouldn't have any hangups or misconceptions. If I had to rate abusive situations by order of "severity" or trauma, what happened to me would be so close to the "not really abuse" side, I wouldn't expect some kind of debilitating long-term emotional problem. But it's there. My views and attitudes about sex and love are all topsy-turvy and the opposite of what they should be. And I KNOW this, and the knowing doesn't make a difference in how I feel! That doesn't make any sense. It's like a TV station that won't quite come in right. I keep fiddling with the damned antenna, but no matter what I try I just can't get rid of the static.

If she starts a serious romantic relationship with somebody, I would have to stop doing what we've been doing. Not really a problem, I suppose - it's not as if we would be missing anything, to be painfully honest. But I'm not sure I could find another "safe" person. Perhaps this issue of mine is one that I'll simply have to accept. Sex is not for me, and never really will be. It's not my "thing". It doesn't do anything for me. Yes, that is the fault of the abuse, I know that and I resent it. But perhaps I should stop struggling against this immovable object, and work instead on developing the patience to accept the things I cannot change.

 

[thetraveller]

hi melliferel

You say about the abuse not being that bad on the scale of things so it shouldn't effect you so much. That is how I feel as I only have 2 concrete memories of being abused but my attitutde towards sex, relationships etc have been badly twisted. As you say even though we know our attitudes are a result of the abuse we can't stop ourselves feeling the way we do I find this quite frustrating but I believe if I try hard enough for long enough I can change my way of thinking and undo the damage of the past. I have to believe this as it's what gives me the strength to keep going.

I guess I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel and it is frustrating but never give up trying " to move the immovable object".
Change comes slowly and with hard work but it really can happen.

Take care

Craig

 

[sabata]

to me the only love i know is sex..i dont know about companionship..trust sharing..having someone there who cares..that close feeling of knowing someone is there for you...relationships... STEVE

 

[roadrunner]

Melliferal,

Have you considered the possiblity that you are just not yet able to take the risk of reaching out to another person at an intimate emotional level? When you speak of a "safe" sex partner, what you have in mind is "no strings", I guess, but that also means no possibility for further growth.

You end with a telling comment:

Sex is not for me, and never really will be. It's not my "thing". It doesn't do anything for me. Yes, that is the fault of the abuse, I know that and I resent it. But perhaps I should stop struggling against this immovable object, and work instead on developing the patience to accept the things I cannot change.

Could I take exactly those same statements and go somewhere else with them? Abuse has robbed you of your ability to appreciate sex as something good and fulfilling, and you resent that loss. You think this loss is permanent, so perhaps you should just accept that fact.

Or is it that recovery from that loss seems too painful, too faught with all the dangers that you know so well from abuse?

You aren't alone in feeling this way, but believe me, like all the other things taken from us by abuse the loss of an ability to enjoy sex isn't permanent unless we give up. It does take time, and my own experience is that this one depends on clearing away so much of the rest of the crap in our heads. My own way forward is to accept how slow this one will be, keep the lines of communication open with my wife, and take encouragement in all the other areas I am making good progress in.

Most of all, I realize I have to avoid judging myself. Like other abuse issues, struggling with this one doesn't mean I am less of a person or less of a man. I hope you can find a similar way to move forward - like I said, the loss doesn't have to be permanent.

Much love,
Larry

 

[melliferal]

I assumed, I suppose, that as soon as I was able to overcome my aversion to sex, things would sort of "fall back into place". It's like I was expecting that once all the negative feelings about it were gone, they would automatically be replaced by positive ones - nature abhors a vaccuum, as the saying goes. I'd think, "hey, I can do this, it's not so bad after all", and get into the swing of things. But that's not what happened. Sure, I got rid of the negative feelings - and I'm happy about that, surely - but absolutely nothing floated in to replace them. My "aversion" merely gave way to apathy. I've become Mister Frigid. The Man With The Perpetual "Headache".

Perhaps it's my situation. It most certainly is "no strings attached", and I'm comfortable with that. But maybe that's not what I need; maybe I need some strings - a partner who does place emotional stock in the activity. Someone to 'teach me' how I'm supposed to feel about it. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that; the last time I let somebody "instruct" me in matters pertaining to sex, I came out of the oven burnt.

 

[melliferal]

Ah well, all a moot point it seems. My "partner" has just moved into a semi-serious romantic relationship with someone, and both of us are honorable enough to understand and accept that this means "no more nookie" between us. Well, that's fine by me. I'm not planning on hitting the corners; I've no pressing need for it, and to be perfectly honest I don't have the money anyway.

And at the same time, it's 'not' fine by me, because at my age, I'm supposed to be...well, interested in sex. But I'm not. I don't like that.

And that's not all. As you can read from my earlier writing, I'm acutely aware that I've still got much progress to make in matters of sex, but it turns out that I've been mistaken about even what little progress I thought I had made. About a month ago, after engaging in what passes for sexual activity, my partner asked me a curious question - why don't I ever close my eyes while we're doing it? Well, to be honest, I don't think I'd ever noticed it before, but damn it she was right - I never once closed my eyes and just enjoyed the sensations, or whatever. Never. I was always looking at her. But why? Well, I didn't know and couldn't answer her then. I know now, but I can't tell her of course. The answer certainly is that I'm keeping my brain busy with images, so that it doesn't have time to make any uncomfortable associations between the feelings I'm experiencing and certain uncomfortable memories of similar feelings.

I have told you all in the past that I was afraid any abusive memories coming forward during sex would "ruin" it for me, or would distress me or cause me to panic or get sick at a most inopportune moment. Well, that's true, but it's also misleading, as it isn't the 'entire' truth. Let's leave the tact behind and be straightforward. I'm scared to death of all those things, yeah, but there is something else. I'm also afraid that if I start really enjoying sex, and one day a memory or two of the things I did as a child suddenly slips in, that I might NOT get "turned off" by it. I'm afraid of what that would mean for me, or about me. I don't have any feelings like that now, but I don't know whether it's because I'm not "like that", or whether it's because I just haven't given them a chance to show up.

And what of my oh-so-vocal objections to pedophiles and their supporters? My advocacy and (admittedly half-assed) "war" on child pornography? I no longer feel so righteous. Am I doing these things out of some kind of self-hatred? Is this some kind of cognitive dissonance, or some attempt to prempt anyone from being suspicious about me possibly being such a person? Some kind of smokescreen?

I am not such a person, now. I never want to be, in the future. But what if I "am", and just don't know it? Such a scenario seems fairly impossible to me. I know I'm not a pedophile.

But why am I so afraid to...well, allow myself to 'prove' it beyond a shadow of a doubt? Perhaps my subconscious isn't as confident in my convictions as my waking mind.