ISSUE

ISSUE
M

Mike Church

Registrant
As I read all the threads and posts from all of my brothers I am continually struck by what I think is the biggest single issue we face. An issue that affects how we live and think. An issue that can, in some instances, do us major harm. An issue that is so fundamental to our very being. An issue that is a huge struggle for us all.

SELF IMAGE AND WORTH

Now I want to take each and every one of you to that place within you where nobody, and I mean nobody, is ever allowed into.

WHAT DO WE SEE WHEN WE LOOK IN THE MIRROR?
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We see a terrified little boy or young man. We see a person so unworthy that nobody could possibly love them. We see a person we hate and consider to be beyond redemption. We see a worthless human being. We see a person that can do no good and be nothing.

WHAT DON'T WE SEE

We do not see a survivor. We do not see a wounded person full of compassion and gentleness. We do not see a person trying to be who he wants to be and nothing more. WE DO NOT SEE A HUMAN BEING.

Is it because we do not want to or because we are afraid to??? I think it is the latter. Because if we see that person we have to recognize that he has worth and is caring and is gentle and is decent and is a survivor. GOD WHAT A PERVERTED COLLECTION OF THOUGHTS!!!! What a dangerous place to be. So we stick with the comfortable because it is familiar. If we see the other we must recognize that the lies we lived with and believed for so long are just that LIES!!!! The other is unkown territory and is scary.

But we have to move into that area if we want to stop being victims. IS IT SCARY???? YOU BET IT IS!! THEN WHY DO IT???? IF WE DONT WE WILL CONTINUE TO BE VICTIMS AND IT CAN KILL US??? I dont necessarily mean literally but it will kill our initiative, our inquisitiveness, our effectiveness and our future accomplishments. And it can really kill us. Three times I tried suicide.

SELF WORTH AND IMAGE.It has always been there. It was never destroyed. It was buried under the stench of sa and badly beaten up. Destroyed never. We are here and that is testament to that.
Lets take stock of ourselves and lets see our own innate goodness and worthiness. It is a struggle I know but you know if we all work on it really hard and keep repeating the good things it will become learned behavior and in this case is is such a bad thing. I THINK NOT!!
 
Mike

I only know that to me it is like a seesaw event, although I look after my self image, I sometimes think I don't really have one inside. I can admit that my true self image and feeling of worth was destroyed a long time ago.

I remember from when it happened, there would be times when I would feel like a million dollars, and everyone would tell me how I should go places, when I was 14 I felt full of opportunity, but because of the probs inside, it just came tumbling right down, and I went to the very bottom, and we all know that place, when you've been there it is difficult for anything to destroy you, because it very nearly did.

The feeling of up and down has gone through various stages, but I think when these feelings are chronically embedded, it is hard to change them, I do constantly work on them and I am a "good person to have around", my neighbours, and colleagues believe that, and I have quite a rich circle of friends, and could have many more, but I can only take in so much,and deep down, I don't know why I am so popular.

I am constantly looking from different angles at this one, but I think sometimes I just wear the mask when I am down. I am working on getting there, because I know somehow, it can be done.

In this group, I think we should all have the right to be able to say, we are just as good, and probably a lot better than most people, it's an immense achievement to have got this far.

One thing I notice throughout the stuff I read is this; so many go through the same pattern, there is a pattern to all this, and I think we have all dealt with it in much the same manner. This was an eye opener for me, because before I came here, I couldn't feel the mindset of anyone but my own.
Thank God I really wasn't mad.

Self image and worth though are hard to achieve, when you have to live the lie, to your colleagues and friends, I think this is a big "stumbling" block.

Am I allowed to do that occasionally, you said it

ste
 
I always hated looking in the mirror.

Is this why I feel that the self affirmation works so much better when I look in a mirror. I thought it was becasue I felt like I was talking to someone rather than talking to myself. Perhaps I am... perhaps I'm talking to the little boy?
 
Mike,

Is it because we do not want to or because we are afraid to??? I think it is the latter. Because if we see that person we have to recognize that he has worth and is caring and is gentle and is decent and is a survivor. GOD WHAT A PERVERTED COLLECTION OF THOUGHTS!!!! What a dangerous place to be.
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I think there is yet another reason. It has to do with the particular religious tradition I grew up in. Self-image and worth, what a crock! I'm a sinner(in the hand of an angry God :o ), deserving only of hell and eternal damnation. I have no intrinsic worth. My self image is corrupt. Couple that with the shame and filth spewed upon me by my abusers and I think you can see the double whammy.

Thomas
 
Oops, sent that one twice
 
Great post Mike.

It's that whole question of how to tune out the negative critical voices and tune in the positive ones.

So much easier to accept those voices that re-enforce the negative image. And so much harder to hear the positive. But definitely something to work on.
 
Mike,

It is a great post.

SELF WORTH AND IMAGE.It has always been there. It was never destroyed. It was buried under the stench of sa and badly beaten up. Destroyed never. We are here and that is testament to that.
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This is the first thing I ever accepted in recovery. Not that I felt it, but I always knew it was there, hidden deep. And always felt it wasn't really me. Because if it was, then why did I hate myself so much?

Good things to ponder in this thread. Especially what Thomas said:

I'm a sinner(in the hand of an angry God ), deserving only of hell and eternal damnation.
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Yep, add being gay to the mix with the above feelings from religion and I'm off to hell in a handbasket!

Marc
 
Odd that you posted this today, Mike, since my during my session with my T today we talked about this very topic at length: WORTH. I told him that I had a lot of issues with it because I know what I was worth to my father (nothing) due to the physical abuse from him - and I know what I was worth to my brother (sexual release) due to the sexual abuse from him.

He talked to me for quite some time about my abilities and how they show that I'm not worthless. I didn't say it at the time, but a whore has abilities too, so does that make up her worth? I just have a real hard time equating any achievements I've made in life with worth. I told him that what he says sounds logical, but in the back of my mind I keep hearing otherwise (from the tapes, the COA). He realizes that, and says we're going to work on it.

You've hit on a good topic, Mike, one I know I need to work on, especially after talking to the T today.
 
Mike - you sure have hit on a big topic I think... - Sure hits home with me...

I know that growing up I always felt like my life was not my own due to the many years of abuse and lies from my own mother and the way that my Uncle used me for his own perverted pleasure

Then I joined the military when I turned 18 and my life was once again not my own - it was the U.S. governments

And after geting out of the military I was persuaded by my folks to move up here and look after my grandma - once again the feeling of my life not being my own is ever-present

And now with the Muscular Dystrophy starting to set in I am looseing the ability to do the hard physical work that has been my only source of feelings of worth

Finding my worth and self image has been a real struggle for me - always has been - am hopeing that others will post how they have been able to find self worth so that I might be able to learn from them

What do I see when I look in the mirror? - absolutely nothing...(this child was never alowed to be) - how sad is that...

I do not hate myself as much as I have in the past - somehow it has indeed faded some over the past few years since I started my healing journey - I know I still have a long ways to go though...

TJ
 
Mike,

Your post reminded me of what a friend of mine used to mention from time to time, since I beat myself up so much and was so self-critical. She was really into Buddhism, and would gently suggest that I should "have mercy on myself".

(As contrasted with "God have mercy on your soul". Like a super-powerful being is gonna give us a thumbs up or down at some point. It's enough that we got nuked by abusers, without having to worry about getting more of the same after we die.)

So let's all show ourselves some mercy. We've been shown the contrary quite enough...

Howard
 
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