isolation

isolation
M

motley

New Registrant
Im not entirely sure what to say here. Initially, it would be thanks since I have been a regular guest here, not as a member, but as an anonymous guest. This is my first post. I have been checking what people have to say, and seeing if what they experience is similar to what I experience. It has helped a lot knowing that there are other people out there and what I go through isnt unique. So I thank those of you who have the courage to voice your opinions and share your thoughts. I may not agree with you or have gone through exactly the same things, but I know where you are coming from and I consider what you have to say thoughtfully.

The thing I would like to talk about is the isolation that I feel. Through all that I have experienced with my abuse, I think the isolation is the worst feeling I have and the biggest demon I have to fight. I dont feel anger towards anyone, I just feel isolation. I have a relatively normal life. I have a good job, I have done the best I can for myself. I always put myself in a good position to succeed at most things and I do what my parents have raised me to think is right. I should be very content with what I have with no complaints, and in general, I dont have many. But at the end of the day, I find myself isolated. I dont have a family of my own, I have many close friends, but they all have significant others, and they have started great families of their own. These close friends that I have, I have never told what happened to me, because I honestly dont think they would understand, and I dont ever want them treating me any differently than anyone else. The abuse I experienced is not what I want to be known for, or even associated with. Its not that I dont trust them with that knowledge; its just that I dont think they could understand what I went through, and what I still go through today.

I have had few and far between relationships in my life, and I find it extremely difficult to start any. That is the one thing that I completely fail at. I push the women away that I know will lead to something good, and I pursue the ones that I know will lead to no where. I think I dont let myself like the ones that can lead somewhere good, because I know it leads to an exposure of myself and the ugliness I have went through. I dont give any of them a chance. The ones I know can lead no where, I end up falling for, and I for some reason think they can save me from this isolation. They end up being my super hero when in fact, there is no way possible that they can be. When it does lead to no where I head in a downward spiral. Its the same pattern over and over again. It seems so obvious to me after the fact and I would think it would be a relatively easy thing to change but it isnt for me and my isolation continues.

I could go on and on about this, but I dont want to bore anyone. I will just say thanks again. The isolation I feel is lessened by what I read here and it helps out tremendously.
 
I know what mean when you talk about isolation. I have a good job and many friends also but like you at the end of the day I feel very much alone. I always seem to miss the boat in regard to long term relationships.

I am not sure if this is true for you but I when I look back at my childhood being alone was safe for me. I learned that I was not hurt (hitting, put downs, fear of being murder of raped)when alone. I guess as an adult this does not work. You have to trust people if you want to get close to them.

I hope this helps! Good luck!
Jaay
 
motley,

Welcome to Male Survivor, first of all, and I'm glad you posted on this topic. I'm sure you will find that many other guys feel the same way.

The isolation often goes back to the abused child's fear of discovery and feelings of worthlessness, and then in adulthood that can shift to a fear of engaging with others closely for fear of rejection and abandonment. He fears that the person getting close to him will dump him as soon as s/he discovers his worthlessness, shame and/or guilt, so clearly the only choice is to back off before this happens.

Jaay is so right: part of the answer is learning to trust again. Another part is regaining confidence in our own worth. You will get a lot of help with those issues and others here, so I hoep you continue to participate.

Much love,
Larry
 
I think JAAY hit the nail on the head.
It is exactly the same as I think, isolated as a child gives you safety.

I would love to be as social as I was in the past, but it brings out the wrong results in me.
Worthlessness, not being understood etc.,etc.

I probably hold the world record on failed relationships, so now I give up,

ste
 
Motley - your second paragraph would describe me to a 'T'.

I never told anyone for decades, 1, because I hid it from myself. 2, because I thought everyone else would think I was some dirty freak!

I finally told 3 friends in late 2001 (or 2002) - I didn't choose the moment, it chose me! I felt better after that, and they didn't reject me, it actually answered a lot that they didn't quite understand - like how someone in their 40's could be an adult one minute, then like a stupid kid in the next!

I had 2 minor breakdowns after that, and one major (when I realised that my nephew was approaching the age at which I was abused, coupled with the fact that he lived even closer to the perv than I had as a kid).

Since then I complained to the police (Oct 2004) and got a conviction earlier this year.

My friends are still here, and actually wrote character statements for me to be presented in court (stating how I had changed since speaking up to them - I don't know exactly what was in their statements, but it was along the lines of taking the lid off Pandora's box). They attended court with me - if they couldn't all attend each instance, there was at least one there with me.

They are still my friends, and they are as frustrated as I am with the final result from the judiciary. They don't always know how to deal with me, but even when I am obsessed, they stay around! Sometimes, they treat me like someone who has been bereaved (where they don't ring as often as they want to so as not to upset me) - I explained to them that the 4 times I went to court this year felt like a bereavement, each time!

I'm getting there now because I spoke up - that was the best thing for me! I should have done it years ago! It has caused me a lot of stress speaking up, but with hindsight, I would do it all over again!

Only you can decide whether you want to tell or not. At least you can tell here! That's a start!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
Hi Motley,

I was in the same boat you are just a few years ago. I was in a long term relationship (11 years) with a woman who was 15 years older than I was. She was very supportive, wonderful and safe. She never made demands of me. I knew if I stayed with her that I would never have to step out of my comfort zone. That security felt really good but as time went on I felt as I was missing out on something. I've always wanted a family of my own and she actually knew it before I did. About 5 years ago, she started planting the seeds. Suggesting that I was making good strides in my recovery and that I should start looking around for someone that I could settle down with to start a family. She was a very wise woman and as time went on, I realized that she was right.

It took me 40 years but I got married 2 years ago to a wonderful woman. We are trying to start a family and my whole life has changed. My abuse issues still effect me everyday to one extent or another, but I'm finally begining to live my life! I just didn't want to hide any more. It's very difficult at times, but it is well worth the effort!

Good Luck! Recovery is Possible!

Brian
 
I don't feel hurt when I'm isolated. I feel hurt when I'm around people. The pain comes when I experience any of the following: loud noises, being in a crowd, receiving attention, engaged in small talk, loud laughter. I've never seen isolation as the problem--it is a coping strategy.

Jesse
 
Motley,

I hear what you're saying. I'm 34 never been married no kids. Since high school I've had one girlfriend (10 months). Friends all married or soon to be. It's very difficult. I guess what seems help is that I'm in therapy and a support group (half of whom are single). It's made things easier to cope with ... more healthy. But still I get those days or weeks that I feel completely isolated. What makes it worse is when I push people away. I have to make an effort to schedule time with people who will listen to me and cheer me up.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
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