Someone said back up there a ways (shadowkid perhaps) that this site is practice for real life, and someone didn't like that statement. I have to disagree with the fact that this place is not practice for real life. To me this is a microcosm of real life. The same personalities are here that we have to deal with in real life. At times there are people who are unsafe here just as in real life. There is the problem of it sometimes taking too long to deal with the unsafe people, just as in real life. Then there are the people here with whom we click and with whom we become friends, also as in real life. The way I look at it is this. This place in some respects is not real. I can screw up here and walk away for a while if I need to, but in the process I learn some real life lessons that I can take with me into the real world, and along the way I make some really awesome friends.
So you ask, what does all that have to do with safety. Simply this. Everyone knows there are people in real life who are unsafe. Each of us is evidence of that unfortunate fact. As much as wed like it to be otherwise, at times there are unsafe things that happen here, just as in real life. Would we be learning any valuable life lessons if we never had to negotiate the unsafe behavior of someone else wherever we go? So no, there is not a 100% guarantee of safety here, but there are a LOT of very safe and caring men here who are watching out for each other and who, if they pull together, can help protect one another, if they can learn to trust each other enough to ask for what they need (back to learning valuable life lessons).
No one can keep you safe except you. You are responsible for that, not a mod, not a therapist, and for most of us, not our mother or father at this point in our life. It's YOU, and just as in real life, if you feel unsafe, you need to take steps to get to a place where you do. The problem lies in the fact that we as survivors of CSA have difficulty with that. Many times when we feel unsafe that is all it is. We are feeling unsafe, and there is no real basis for that feeling. I don't feel particularly safe in chat. Never have. The fact of the matter is tho that I AM absolutely safe there. Its as simple as that. No one can do me harm there. NO ONE. Chat is not real. Chat is simply words on a screen (not to offend chat users. Youre all a great bunch of men), yet I don't feel safe there? Rather dysfunctional don't you think? I know I do! lol
Some find this place to be of great benefit, myself being one, but I'm under no illusions that it will substitute for developing real world relationships and learning to function in the real world. To me this place helps me to do both. To some it is a crutch they should throw away. Others, for various reasons find this place to be their only source of help. For whatever reason, they truly have, or feel they have no other recourse because they are still in the midst of some really bad things, or are under the control of other's who quite possibly do not have their best interest in mind, or perhaps they live in a place where no local help is available. To yet others this place is simply a place where they can come and raise some cane once in a while or who unfortunately have even darker things in mind when they come here. There may be as many reason's for being here as there are people here.
The biggest thing I'd like to say is to suggest folk take responsibility for themselves rather than want other's to do it for them. I dont think I ever once thought of this place as safe in all the time I've been here, not because it is or isn't, but because I understand that I need to watch out for myself. You want to be safe here? No one can hurt you here unless you give out personal information concerning yourself that makes it possible for someone with unhealthy designs to do you some kind of personal, real life damage. The discussion board and chat room are, as I said above, simply words on the screen and cannot hurt you. Yes, you can allow yourself to get close to a cyber friend, and he can then willingly or inadvertently say something using those words to hurt or attempt to hurt you, but its still just words on the screen. It is up to you, just as in real life, whether you allow an individual that kind of power over you, and if hes a real friend wouldnt you want to go to him and ask as kindly as possible, What was all that about?
Id like to close with a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt where she said, Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. I take that to mean, John, youre the one in control here, so stop letting everyone else control you. Easier said than done, I know, judging by the way I reacted to my boss at work today! What the hell, tomorrows another day!
Lots of love,
John