Is this place safe or not?
Is this place safe or not?
- Thread starterDewey2k
- Start date
im glad you came back ,but ms is safe at least for me. its really up to the individual to decide right? we are responsible for our own safety and i got to say heh ,i've lived in a lot more dangerous places. if you connected with the other guy that strongly thats gotta mean you felt safe right?
Someone said back up there a ways (shadowkid perhaps) that this site is practice for real life, and someone didn't like that statement. I have to disagree with the fact that this place is not practice for real life. To me this is a microcosm of real life. The same personalities are here that we have to deal with in real life. At times there are people who are unsafe here just as in real life. There is the problem of it sometimes taking too long to deal with the unsafe people, just as in real life. Then there are the people here with whom we click and with whom we become friends, also as in real life. The way I look at it is this. This place in some respects is not real. I can screw up here and walk away for a while if I need to, but in the process I learn some real life lessons that I can take with me into the real world, and along the way I make some really awesome friends.
So you ask, what does all that have to do with safety. Simply this. Everyone knows there are people in real life who are unsafe. Each of us is evidence of that unfortunate fact. As much as wed like it to be otherwise, at times there are unsafe things that happen here, just as in real life. Would we be learning any valuable life lessons if we never had to negotiate the unsafe behavior of someone else wherever we go? So no, there is not a 100% guarantee of safety here, but there are a LOT of very safe and caring men here who are watching out for each other and who, if they pull together, can help protect one another, if they can learn to trust each other enough to ask for what they need (back to learning valuable life lessons).
No one can keep you safe except you. You are responsible for that, not a mod, not a therapist, and for most of us, not our mother or father at this point in our life. It's YOU, and just as in real life, if you feel unsafe, you need to take steps to get to a place where you do. The problem lies in the fact that we as survivors of CSA have difficulty with that. Many times when we feel unsafe that is all it is. We are feeling unsafe, and there is no real basis for that feeling. I don't feel particularly safe in chat. Never have. The fact of the matter is tho that I AM absolutely safe there. Its as simple as that. No one can do me harm there. NO ONE. Chat is not real. Chat is simply words on a screen (not to offend chat users. Youre all a great bunch of men), yet I don't feel safe there? Rather dysfunctional don't you think? I know I do! lol
Some find this place to be of great benefit, myself being one, but I'm under no illusions that it will substitute for developing real world relationships and learning to function in the real world. To me this place helps me to do both. To some it is a crutch they should throw away. Others, for various reasons find this place to be their only source of help. For whatever reason, they truly have, or feel they have no other recourse because they are still in the midst of some really bad things, or are under the control of other's who quite possibly do not have their best interest in mind, or perhaps they live in a place where no local help is available. To yet others this place is simply a place where they can come and raise some cane once in a while or who unfortunately have even darker things in mind when they come here. There may be as many reason's for being here as there are people here.
The biggest thing I'd like to say is to suggest folk take responsibility for themselves rather than want other's to do it for them. I dont think I ever once thought of this place as safe in all the time I've been here, not because it is or isn't, but because I understand that I need to watch out for myself. You want to be safe here? No one can hurt you here unless you give out personal information concerning yourself that makes it possible for someone with unhealthy designs to do you some kind of personal, real life damage. The discussion board and chat room are, as I said above, simply words on the screen and cannot hurt you. Yes, you can allow yourself to get close to a cyber friend, and he can then willingly or inadvertently say something using those words to hurt or attempt to hurt you, but its still just words on the screen. It is up to you, just as in real life, whether you allow an individual that kind of power over you, and if hes a real friend wouldnt you want to go to him and ask as kindly as possible, What was all that about?
Id like to close with a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt where she said, Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. I take that to mean, John, youre the one in control here, so stop letting everyone else control you. Easier said than done, I know, judging by the way I reacted to my boss at work today! What the hell, tomorrows another day!
Lots of love,
John
So you ask, what does all that have to do with safety. Simply this. Everyone knows there are people in real life who are unsafe. Each of us is evidence of that unfortunate fact. As much as wed like it to be otherwise, at times there are unsafe things that happen here, just as in real life. Would we be learning any valuable life lessons if we never had to negotiate the unsafe behavior of someone else wherever we go? So no, there is not a 100% guarantee of safety here, but there are a LOT of very safe and caring men here who are watching out for each other and who, if they pull together, can help protect one another, if they can learn to trust each other enough to ask for what they need (back to learning valuable life lessons).
No one can keep you safe except you. You are responsible for that, not a mod, not a therapist, and for most of us, not our mother or father at this point in our life. It's YOU, and just as in real life, if you feel unsafe, you need to take steps to get to a place where you do. The problem lies in the fact that we as survivors of CSA have difficulty with that. Many times when we feel unsafe that is all it is. We are feeling unsafe, and there is no real basis for that feeling. I don't feel particularly safe in chat. Never have. The fact of the matter is tho that I AM absolutely safe there. Its as simple as that. No one can do me harm there. NO ONE. Chat is not real. Chat is simply words on a screen (not to offend chat users. Youre all a great bunch of men), yet I don't feel safe there? Rather dysfunctional don't you think? I know I do! lol
Some find this place to be of great benefit, myself being one, but I'm under no illusions that it will substitute for developing real world relationships and learning to function in the real world. To me this place helps me to do both. To some it is a crutch they should throw away. Others, for various reasons find this place to be their only source of help. For whatever reason, they truly have, or feel they have no other recourse because they are still in the midst of some really bad things, or are under the control of other's who quite possibly do not have their best interest in mind, or perhaps they live in a place where no local help is available. To yet others this place is simply a place where they can come and raise some cane once in a while or who unfortunately have even darker things in mind when they come here. There may be as many reason's for being here as there are people here.
The biggest thing I'd like to say is to suggest folk take responsibility for themselves rather than want other's to do it for them. I dont think I ever once thought of this place as safe in all the time I've been here, not because it is or isn't, but because I understand that I need to watch out for myself. You want to be safe here? No one can hurt you here unless you give out personal information concerning yourself that makes it possible for someone with unhealthy designs to do you some kind of personal, real life damage. The discussion board and chat room are, as I said above, simply words on the screen and cannot hurt you. Yes, you can allow yourself to get close to a cyber friend, and he can then willingly or inadvertently say something using those words to hurt or attempt to hurt you, but its still just words on the screen. It is up to you, just as in real life, whether you allow an individual that kind of power over you, and if hes a real friend wouldnt you want to go to him and ask as kindly as possible, What was all that about?
Id like to close with a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt where she said, Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. I take that to mean, John, youre the one in control here, so stop letting everyone else control you. Easier said than done, I know, judging by the way I reacted to my boss at work today! What the hell, tomorrows another day!
Lots of love,
John
James_dup1
Registrant
Ditto!
Thanks for sharing that wonderful post John. I can totally relate to the various concerns with what the proper behavior "should" be regarding new members or chatting etiquette. I belong to a 12-Step program and I'm experiencing the exact same issues. However, this veteran member who goes to several 12-Step program shared a very interesting point. When people come together to share their experience, strength, and hope; people also bring with them their own baggage and issues. If you also take into account that some of us are still developing healthy social skills (from years of social isolation), go into a chat room and "socialize"; some sparks are going to fly! I think it's great that we have Moderators and Guidelines to keep this site "safe", but I am fucking notorious for screwing up boundaries and "staying within the lines". I am struggling with setting boundaries for myself. According to my survivor-friend-therapist, survivors are generally clueless when it comes to respecting boundaries. I think it's great that there's a general concern for newbies. But will creating more rules and guidelines be beneficial or counterproductive? You all know what the road to hell is paved with right? I guess what I'm trying to share is in any group, there is the good side: wisdom and hope; and the bad side: baggage/issues and colorful personalities. We all have different ideas of what this site should be. I'm hoping that if we celebrate the benefits of this site and recognize/tolerate the annoying elements of this site, maybe we can all develop and heal so that we wouldn't have to do any more "should-ings" of this site. I know, I know... it's soooo ideal. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
Much love
Jay
Much love
Jay
Well said, Jay.
The issue of the baggage we all bring with us can be a huge one in a place like this. Like I said, practice for real life. The concept that we can learn to accept the other guy even if he does get under our skin was a hard one for me to accept at one time. Now, it's not the issue it once was.
We all have the the right to be dreamers. The man who can't dream is the man who loses hope. If we can dream and yet learn to be respect the boundaries of those whose dream is not the exact same dream as our own, we're well along on the healing journey. Hopefully it's a mutual respect for boundaries. Whatever the case, I appreciate this place with all it's bumps and wrinkles, as well as the guys here with all their bumps and wrinkles. Of course, Jay, you and Chris don't have any bumps or wrinkles yet, but they're coming! Just you wait!
Lots of love,
John
The issue of the baggage we all bring with us can be a huge one in a place like this. Like I said, practice for real life. The concept that we can learn to accept the other guy even if he does get under our skin was a hard one for me to accept at one time. Now, it's not the issue it once was.
We all have the the right to be dreamers. The man who can't dream is the man who loses hope. If we can dream and yet learn to be respect the boundaries of those whose dream is not the exact same dream as our own, we're well along on the healing journey. Hopefully it's a mutual respect for boundaries. Whatever the case, I appreciate this place with all it's bumps and wrinkles, as well as the guys here with all their bumps and wrinkles. Of course, Jay, you and Chris don't have any bumps or wrinkles yet, but they're coming! Just you wait!
Lots of love,
John
Chris,
You're right about that! The boss is WRONG! LOL
J
You're right about that! The boss is WRONG! LOL
J
roadrunner
Registrant
John,
Just another vote of thanks for that great post. Ditto to every word.
Much love,
Larry
Just another vote of thanks for that great post. Ditto to every word.
Much love,
Larry
lostcowboy
Registrant
Hi guys, coming late to this. I suggest a front page to the chat room. I would put on there that all chats are logged by the site, and that if they misbehave in chat the log will be reviewed. I would have a button that they have to click on, agreeing to this. If they don't agree then they don't get to chat! I talked to the webmaster a while back, suggesting that the chats be logged. He said that that was one of the main reasons for going to the new chat room. I think if you make people aware of the logging it will reduce the abuse that goes on in chat sometimes.
Take care,
Clifford
Take care,
Clifford
roadrunner
Registrant
There is of course no such thing as a totally safe public-access website. But the same is true of real life. As soon as I leave my house I could suddenly be exposed to an uninformed or cruel comment that could trigger me badly. That's just the way the world is.
That said, I bet we are safer here than on ANY other site on the web. There is now and has always been a huge amount of work going on behind the scenes - including supervision of chat - to make sure things stay that way, and I bet there just isn't any strategy or technology that could promote our safety here that hasn't been reviewed and discussed by our mods and admin people.
Much love,
Larry
That said, I bet we are safer here than on ANY other site on the web. There is now and has always been a huge amount of work going on behind the scenes - including supervision of chat - to make sure things stay that way, and I bet there just isn't any strategy or technology that could promote our safety here that hasn't been reviewed and discussed by our mods and admin people.
Much love,
Larry