Is this normal?

Is this normal?
S

survive75

Registrant
This is my first post here (bit nervous) but this is starting to affect me so much, that I really needed to find somewhere to talk about this. I was sexually abused between the ages of 4 and 8 (that I remember anyway - could have been even younger) and I often need to imagine severe images of violation by men when I am engaged in sex. It's not always me I imagine, but sometimes it is. It's becoming more and more frequent that I need this to become stimulated. Angry at myself for being so fucked up that I need this to get off, and know that if I ever told my girlfriend she would think I was sick. I don't know how to change this... my mind just kind of takes over and I get angry when she tries to kiss me... agitated, etc. Any hope for me to change this?
 
Survior75,

Jeff is right there are a lot of men here who use or have used sexual thoughts about men to acheive orgasm with their partner.

The fact is that having been SA'd (sexually abused) your natural sexual development and awakening was interfered with. As a child that was SA'd your body was stimulated beyond your minds ability to comprehend the situation. That is what you learned sexuality was all about.

Some men, me for instance, even act out the abuse in an effort to control the intense feelings of overstimulation that were a result of SA.

Thats just my layman's understanding of the process. Take it with a grain of salt, I'm an accountant not a psycologist ;)

I do believe you can work through this and approach sex from a more positive direction. The trouble is the only lasting way to do so is to sort through all the crap.

You have made a good start though, give yourself credit for that. Its not easy to spill your most intimate thoughts to a bunch of strangers on the net.

We can help, though. Here you will find many true gentlemen struggling with many of the same problems in their own earnest ways. There is much support, understanding, and wisdom here. It can truly be an assset.

Welcome Survivor you are among brothers and we can work through this thing.

Peace,

Aaron
 
Some men, me for instance, even act out the abuse in an effort to control the intense feelings of overstimulation that were a result of SA.
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Martin,

You're not alone on this.

Green
 
Thanks to everyone who replied... it helps to know that others have gone through this too. I just wish that I could change this instantly, you know? I've tried to force myself not to think about these "scenarios" but if I want to get off, I have to. I've been through therapy off and on... I know I have to sort through all of the shit in order to move past it... but there's a part of me that doesn't want to give these images and secret scenarios up... if I stop needing them, then I'll never be able to come again. Am I making any sense?
 
Guys - I have to admire your strength to bring out this topic of male fantasy. Survive75, Martin, Whyme, Green...you have brought up and responded to a topic I have buried for a long time. I am so good at avoiding it that I seldom realize that it's there. I really appreciate your honesty and this thread because it has opened this area for me and I need to know.

My question, however, is how common is it really? I respect you guys on this board and have felt your support many times. Could I impose by raising this question about male fantasies especially married guys when you are sexual with your wives?

Thanks in advance!!

Howard
 
Hi, survive,

What's disturbing to me is that, yes, I have fantasies about men. Some pleasant, but some others directly mirror the abuse. Now that the memories of my abuse are coming back, I relive the horror, but I get physically and sexually stimulated by them. Yes, I am told this is fairly normal for rape survivors, but it bothers me that I seem to get such sexual pleasure (?) from what was horrible.

Does anyone else deal with this, and if so, how do you cope?

Survive, I admire you and everyone else that comes here. We all have survived.

Peace,

Scot
 
I think that's what disturbs me the most about this... is that, what happened to me is wrong and I know that, but my mind and body seemed locked on it as arousing. I feel so guilty when I am having sex with my girlfriend... I know I am not present... I've associated two different feelings about this with my therapist... one, I need them to escape being in my body when I come and two, I need to replicate the humiliation to get aroused. I haven't been to therapy in a few months now... and I hate going through all the memories... especially because they are so vague for me. Sometimes I envy people who were older or remember their abuse completely... isn't that fucked up? It just makes me feel so crazy not to remember fully what happened to me.

Sorry for the tangent.

-Sean
 
survive,
i can really relate to your post #3. i have just started my journey to recovery in one respect, but the innappropriate fantasies i have disturb me a great deal as well. it is so very frustrating dealing not only with the innappropriate fantasies but also the initial steps of recovery. the fantasies for me cover a great deal of territory but is contingent on the mood i am in at any given moment. the only consistent factor is the innapropriateness of the fantasy. wanting to resolve the journey and find out everything that happened is also very persistent and is so agravating at times. there is one thing i have learned though. we only remember what we can effectively deal with at any given point in time, anything more than we can go over the edge. there have been times like i felt i was on the abyss, but there was always strength to survive that memory. hang in there, it will happen.
 
I need to replicate the humiliation to get aroused.
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Survive 75 - you've hit the nail on the head here - for me at least.

When my abuse started, by older boys at boarding school, it was 'low level' stuff - mutual masturbation. When they wanted more I was beaten and raped by the 'gang' of about 5 boys. And forced to perform oral sex.
The show of force drove me into submission for the next 4 or 5 years, and oral sex was what I became good at, and it's what remains as my fantasy to this day.

I have acted out as an adult, and done it again. And it's something I don't want to do, but the fantasy remains.

It's been with me since the day I first did it, I was 11yo. And I'm 50yo now.
And unfortunately I have come to rely on it, so my choice is let it be - accept the fantasy for what it is. ( I no longer act out ) Fight it, and have trouble making love, or - drive it out and become asexual.

There is one more choice though, deal with it.
I'm trying, but it's hard.

Dave
 
Dave - thanks for the reply. (And everyone else too.) It helps to know I'm not the only one. I want to thank you all for being so honest. I just think that maybe I need to just let it be, you know? What is the point in bringing all of this up again? I'm just in a rough spot tonight... after posting stuff last night, I had nightmares all night. My girlfriend doesn't know about the abuse and I'm terrified she's going to find out by me coming in here. I'm afraid she's going to find out that I think the sickest things when we're fucking. I just want to be normal. And I'm angry that I don't think I'll ever be normal sexually and he took that away from me.

Sorry.

-Sean
 
I'm sorry we all have this basic thing, our sexuality, twisted like this. There is some real insight on this thread.

I used to have fantasies that were about violent sex, and I would play either role. Now that I have remembered some of the abuse from my father, I get aroused from the memories, which sickens me, and makes me feel like I don't ever want anyone to touch me again. Also the memories also make me feel like I'm about to throw up, so I keep aroused and sick at the same time. I really hope this passes.
 
I somehow suspect that everyone has fantasies. I wouldn't go beating myself up about them. I figure they are part of human nature. We are sexual beings and our fantasies and imaginations are reflective of that. On several occasions, many actually, I have made love to my wife and fantasized what it would be like to watch another guy have sex with her. I admit I get turned on with the idea, but reality and fantasy are two very different things. I'm not sure I would embrace the reality of such an idea. Peace, Andrew
 
I agree that everyone has fantasies... I just don't want to NEED to imagine these things to get off. And for years now, I have needed to imagine these things during sex (and, I'll admit it, masturbation) in order to come.

-Sean
 
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