Is there something I can say???

Is there something I can say???
L

LSW

New Registrant
I found out 2 weeks ago that by husband of 5 years was sexually abused as a child. But that is all I know.

This information came about because I discovered a video of him and a woman that he was having an affair with. The affair started 2 weeks before we got married and lasted until a few weeks before our 5th wedding anniversary. I know that it seems hard to believe, but I didn't have a clue. It is a long story...

Anyway, we started marriage counseling and went for 3 months. Then we started trying to work things out ourselves, which is also what our counselor recommended. We went back after 6 weeks for a "check up" with the counselor, and that's when the abuse came to light. But that's all I know. I knew he had a bad childhood, but nothing about any sex abuse. He states that he knows he needs to work on this, but thinks he won't be ready for a few years. When ever he thinks about his childhood he just gets angry, so he would rather act like nothing ever happened.

But, as you can image it is affecting our lives, both with the affair and daily use of marijuana. He stopped seeing the "other woman" immediately, and states that he had absolutely no feelings for her - it was simple sex and he felt he could do whatever he wanted with her and not worry about her feelings. I (and our counselor) believe thats true.

Is there anything that I could say or do that would help him to take the leap of working through this so that we could begin our lives again. I feel if he doesn't get help, how can I believe that he won't do this kind of behavior again.

He never has liked to talk in a intimate way, so it is very hard for him, and me.

Thanks.
 
could try steering him this way. this is where i got the courage to go get help, and to open up. at first i didnt even sing up. i just kind of lurked and read what everyone was saying, but in time i started joining in, and eventually i got help. you know what drove me to it? i blew up at the kids over Taco shells, and my wife drew the line GET HELP OR I'M LEAVING!

sure, he doesnt want to get help, and he doesnt want to deal with it yet, and he never will as long as he can rationalize his way out of it. do you want to go on living with no intimacy? perhaps it is time you made a few demands. after all, he cheated on you and hurt you, dont you think you have a right to ask him to get help?
 
LSW,

I agree with phoster. If he comes here he can register and post anonymously and feel safe that he will not be identified. He also won't be judged; what he will find here is support and validation.

Survivors have such a complex mass of issues that it sometimes seems impossible even to get started, so the survivor limps along until his life is in such a state that he just doesn't have any choice but to DO something. This sounds like your husband in spades. If he comes here he will see he is not alone, that he is not so worthless as he thinks, and he will begin to understand a lot about himself.

Phoster rightly comments that you are going to be challenged in all this. You need to think about the boundaries he has violated and what that means to you. Your needs, expectations and aspirations are not simply erased because he was a victim of child abuse. He will need to see and hear from you that you are not prepared to be disrespected and that you have clear and definite boundaries he needs to adhere to. Part of recovery involves us knowing the dire consequences that could follow if we cannot follow through and do the hard work of healing ourselves and holding up our part of any relationship we are in.

Much love,
Larry
 
I see what these guys are saying but I don't know that it is a surefire solution to the question you are really asking: How can I get him to get help?

There isn't anything you can do or say that will get him to ask for help dealing with his childhood abuse if he's still able to rationalize NOT asking for help. Some guys become unable to rationalize it anymore because their lives just get intolerable to them. Some guys, like phoster says, become unable to rationalize it when they're presented with the reality of what they have to lose. But that's not every survivor. Some just go right on wrecking their lives, too.

I think it's great for a partner to say "I can't live with you unless X changes--" if she's saying that out of a real sense of what she's going to do next, for herself. I don't think it's healthy for anyone when it's said as a way to "get" someone to do something.

SAR
 
i agree. you cannot make empty threats. if you throw down the change or i'm gone thing, you have to be willing to back it up with action. i have no doubt my wife meant it when she said it.

let me ask, are you really happy like this? your marriage is a trainwreck, and if nothing changes, do you think it will get better? by defintion madness is to repeat the same action over and over and expect different results. if you allow him to settle into the old ways, even with help he will continue to act out and fail. as SAR points out, there is the downside that he may not respond to your ultimatum. you have to think this thru and decide what you want. dont make the threat if you arent prepared to act on it, but i still feel it is the only way to get him moving. until a survivor hits bottom, he will not move on it. he is just too afraid of getting help, and unless something forces him to, he will never get it.
 
SAR,

I think it's great for a partner to say "I can't live with you unless X changes--" if she's saying that out of a real sense of what she's going to do next, for herself. I don't think it's healthy for anyone when it's said as a way to "get" someone to do something.
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My wife did't say exactly this to me, nor did she give me an ultimatum of any kind. One evening we had an argument, from what she said I could see she suspected there was "another woman" (because I had been sexually non-functional for so long), and she said something like "This isn't right; whatever your problem is I'm the cause."

She didn't lay down a threat, nor do I think she meant it that way. But I could see for the first time how terrible everything was becoming and where it was going to end, and that's what tipped me over the edge. So in some respects it WAS a turning point for me.

But I take your point, and I think my wife WAS speaking with some sense that she had had just about enough and was prepared to act if something didn't change. Nevertheless, she did still love me and hoped that our relationship could be saved. I think what she was saying was something like this: "I can't continue to take the shit not knowing what's going on, how I can react, and what direction a resolution (if any) will take. I need a lot more than I'm getting right now, but at the very least you have to TALK to me." It was amazing how much things changed as soon as I was able to say SOMETHING. But perhaps that's just my case.

Much love,
Larry
 
LSW,

It doesn't seem hard for me to believe that you had no clue. My b/f of 4-1/2 years was carrying on multiple sexual affairs for the entire time we were together. I know that now, but even looking back, I can't find the clues that I should have picked up on until I actually did. That's scary as hell.

You desperately need to come to some kind of an agreement with your husband so that you can be assured of his fidelity. How to do that? I don't know, I'm still working that one out myself. I have unfettered access to his computer, check his phone call log on his home phone and his cell phone and we talk - a lot. I hate living like this and the only reason I do is that I hope to not do it in the future. For now, I need the reassurance because the trust that I used to have has been badly fractured.

At first, he was more than willing, now his feathers get a bit ruffled, but he's working with me because he wants US to work. That's all I've got for now so I'm holding on to it.

My b/f also lied to me about being in therapy for months, long story, but now he is, as am I. Did I force it, I suppose I did, but he is continuing it. If he bails, I can't do anything about that. For now, we're working, separately and together, on putting our lives back together.

If gentle cajoling and suggestions don't get your husband into therapy, then you need to decide what's best for you and you're life. If that means staying with him or leaving, it has to be what's best for you. It's a hard decision either way.

ROCK ON.......Trish
 
Thanks for all your advice. I do currently have access to all of his phone and computer activity. And I have told him what I expect, this was all before I found out about the abuse.

I am a little hesitant to direct him to this site, because I'm afraid it will make him feel pressured and withdraw further.

At this point I am not ready to leave the marriage, and on a day to day basis it's not a bad, threatening living situation. It is just that there are angry outbursts about once a month, for absolutely no reason. I do think in a way he wants me to leave, he said he expects it to happen one day. So I think he tries to sabotage the relationship. He is aware that he is doing this, and I am starting to remind him of what he is doing when he's getting angry.

I've been told by my counselor not to ask questions. So I haven't. I'm not sure that he would answer anyway. There are somethings that I would like to know, like who the perpetrator was. What does anyone think of asking these questions?

Thanks.
 
LSW,

There are some things that I would like to know, like who the perpetrator was. What does anyone think of asking these questions?
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I understand how you feel about these matters, but it might be a good idea to back off these questions for the time being. Many of them can be very distressful to both the survivor and his partner in ways that both may find difficult to predict.

For example, you are wondering who the abuser was. In the vast majority of cases boys are abused by people they know, and disclosing who this person was can easily lead the survivor to relive a lot of the old shame and guilt. There is also the point that as far as possible the survivor needs to be grounded in the present and working toward recovery in the future. Revisiting past points can divert the survivor from recovery to spinning his wheels in the swamp of old issues waiting to see how you will react to information that has already gutted him in the past.

I'm not suggesting that there is something wrong with wanting to know these things, just pointing out what a minefield this can become. I would urge you to think of points that are REALLY important. By that I mean focus on gaining information that will help you and him both as you try to get past all this. What details are MOST important right now? If you have this information what can or would you do with it?

In a situation where gaining any information at all will involve an emotional cost, I would suggest focusing for now on the things that would be of most immediate and broadest benefit. And make sure he knows that you are only asking so you can help him, not judge him, and that it is okay if there are areas where he just can't talk at all yet.

Much love,
Larry
 
I won't ask, but will just make myself available if he wants to talk eventually. My biggest concern is that if it was a family memeber that is still in the picture, I would like to be aware of that.

He did try to write me a letter to explain things, but couldn't do it.

I feel very alone with all of this as none of our friends or family know about the affair, or the abuse. I told him that I wouldn't tell anyone about the affair, because I didn't want there to be any awkward or bad feelings if we decided to stay together.
 
LSW,

My biggest concern is that if it was a family member that is still in the picture, I would like to be aware of that.
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That's of course one of the most terrifying and shameful things for a survivor to talk about. A young boy wants his world to make sense, but what sense is he to make of a world in which he is abused at will, for example, by his father, mother, uncle, or big brother? He will often fear that all this was his own fault, and the catastrophic results of this feeling reverberate on into adulthood.

You are right to feel that this possibility would require special compassion and caring on your part, but if there is anything like that in the picture it will be all the more difficult for him to talk about it.

It's one of the most terrible tragedies of child sexual abuse: the more we need help the less willing and able we seem to be to ask for it.

Much love,
Larry
 
LSW,

I understand your reluctance not to get your friends and family involved in your marital problems, and of course it wouldn't be right for you to disclose his abuse to anyone until he felt okay with that...

But it seems like a huge additional burden to you, that you should have to deal with everything on your own just in case things get awkward later.

Do you think he would be able to understand this? Is there one person close to you that he would trust you to talk with?
 
LSW:

I understand the concern for your husband's privacy. Also, trust is such a huge issue for him that you don't want to betray that by talking to someone else. I felt in the same situation and so I started to see a therapist--I just needed someone else to share this with or I was going to explode. This board serves a similar purpose, but there is nothing like having a real person to sit and help you process.
 
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